Limits

The day did not start out so well. For one thing, I have to get a physical today and I have to fast until then. So, no cereal or peanut butter power bar or egg mcmuffin for me. Even though I never feel like eating breakfast I still make myself because if I don’t then I am famished by lunch and overeat. I’m one of those people who like to eat small snacks/meals throughout the day. Like, every two hours. I think my bootcamp class taught me that and I developed a habit from it. So, by the time this appointment is done I’m going to want to go get the biggest burrito I can find and throw down. Although, I know I can’t. Recently, I have become intolerant to spicy food as well as red meat. So, I’ve been on a new diet as well. No red meat even though the thought of it almost makes me want to cry. I noticed this morning while I was putting gel in my hair that I could actually see some ribs. I think I have lost a little bit of weight but not sure if it’s from the new diet or something going on with my body, hence, the physical today.

Despite the fasting, by Goddess, I was still going to get some coffee. (Fasting be damned if I can’t have my coffee then just shoot me) So, I pull up to San Francisco coffee formerly my favorite place to get coffee. It’s after 6:30 but the doors are still locked. (they’re supposed to open at 6:30) I looked through the window and there’s a guy with his back to me on a laptop and a woman also with her back to me writing on a chalk board – probably that day’s coffee’s. I jiggle the door handle and the guy turned and looked at me and then turned back around ignoring me. I tapped on the door with my car key. The woman stopped what she was doing and I could see her shoulders go up and then down with an annoyed sigh. She walked over to the door and opened it and informed me that they’re not ready to open just yet that she had to finish filling out the board and will open shortly. Then, instead of unlocking the door and letting me in to wait inside, she shuts it in my face. Needless to say I left in a huff without my coffee. I was pissed and I think if I would have waited around until she let me back in I would have chewed her @ss off.

I merged onto I-75 and thought that highway driving was not safe (for me) without coffee. I felt my eyes fill with tears of frustration and thought to myself “It will be ok. You’ll get coffee on Windy Hill.”

I swung into a Starbucks and went inside. There was a couple in line in front of me. They were ordering everything under the sun. She had one of those yogurt parfaits. He couldn’t make up his mind on what pastry he wanted. She also wanted a Venti coffee. He couldn’t decide if he wanted a latte’ or a coffee. She talked him into a coffee and a scone. He hesitated and then said, “OK”. I found myself once again about ready to loose my patience. I’m standing there talking to myself again “Just breathe. They will be done in a second.” They asked for a BAG to carry all their sh*t in. Once they finally left I ordered a Vinti.

As the woman behind the counter tried to put my lid on and failed the first two times I should have known something wasn’t right. She finally snapped it on and I went to fix it the way I wanted (only after waiting yet again for the couple in front of me to get out of my way) and snapped the lid back on it. As I got into the car the lid flew off spilling coffee all down the side of my leg, right butt cheek and right hand. I managed to pour what was left of it into my carry mug in the car which, in hindsight I should have made them put the coffee into instead of using their lame cups.

“I hate all coffee shop workers today.” I thought but felt like shouting at the top of my lungs in the parking lot before I sat my wet @ss down in the truck and drove to work. Thankfully, this time I had my coffee (and yes, I’m probably going to have the doc look at my burnt @ss and leg when I go in today).

I walked in to work and told my story and was met with sympathy and shared outrage over the mornings coffee happening. I felt slightly better as I sat down in front of my computer and logged on. Just then my phone vibrated and it was Lee wanting to talk. “No way am I talking to her this morning.” And texted back “can’t right now. Busy.”

I know my limits.

in the boat

I thank you all for the comments, emails and phone calls and for being the voices of reason. (Thank you, voices of reason!) Despite the newness of my relationship with Lee it being over still stings. Yes, I miss the texts, the phone calls and the emails and the radio silence takes some getting used to. Despite all that I am good at walking away – especially, when I know something – or someone – is not working for me. The last relationship was a constant reminder to listen to my gut.

The past two nights I have come home from work and not done anything. I think if I had plans that I would have gone out but I hadn’t. Nor have I worked out. I’ve straightened up the house a bit – unloading the dishwasher from the party and putting in a load of laundry. I’ve sat in my office watching ‘Friday night lights’ and writing. I love that moody little tune at the beginning of the show (not to mention all the nice looking women in it). I feel akin to the character ‘Riggins’. I’ve taken hot showers and have gone to bed early. In short, I’ve just kind of been underwater. Silence, with the bubbles rising to the surface – not sinking or surfacing just in an underwater limbo.

I was chatting with a friend on Facebook today. She’s somewhat of a new friend and we’ve communicated enough to where I think there could be some mutual interest. I was tempted to ask if she wanted to go out for a drink or dinner but then I stopped. Why do I always have to be the one to ask people out, I thought. This time I just want to float until someone pulls me to the surface and into the boat. Their boat. And, I hope it’s a sturdy one, one that doesn’t sink. One that can be fast but also just drop anchor and stay. Drop anchor so we can dive off the platform in the front, swim, laugh and then pull ourselves up on the ladder in the back with the sun glistening off our skin and the smell of salt air. We would crack open Corona’s, squeeze in the limes pressing them down into the bottle and toast that shared moment being in that same boat together.

That’s what I want.

Radio Silence

Here’s a recap of the texting/email transmissions of yesterday to and from Lee in my own words with my thoughts in parenthesis.
That morning I was at work when a text came in from Lee saying that she wasn’t receiving her texts (no I just hadn’t texted you) wasn’t sure if I was going to get this one that she would email me later and thanking me for last night. (what-the-f*ck ever)

I replied “Got it.” And nothing else.

Next text from Lee saying she would understand if I don’t want to see her (good, I don’t) for a while (a long while) I’m not settled in my life yet (no sh*t) I will be at new place (whatever).

No reply from me.

Later an email from Lee saying she cannot imagine what I am feeling right now (nothing, absolutely nothing at this moment) how much she enjoyed the previous evening (good because that’s the last one for a very long time – if ever) That she hoped I understood her need to be by herself for awhile (wish you’d decided that before I went to all the trouble of last night). That she can’t keep doing this to me, can’t keep leaving. (And, you won’t anymore – last night was it.) That her memories of me will remain the same (whatever) rest of the sentence I skimmed – blah, blah, blah and that she wouldn’t stay away too long. (Oh, just wait right there. Don’t even think for one second that I am just going to wait around here for you to get your sh*t together and that you can just come back whenever you want.)

I sighed – (now I have to write an email back – dammit!)

“Lee –
I am sorry that we are in this place right now. Perhaps we met at the wrong time, I don’t know. I can’t continue right now, either, because I don’t want to get hurt. I feel that in the future unless you’re able to convince me that you have no more ties with [ex] then we won’t work. Except for Savannah I have felt her between us the entire time we have been together. I guess I wanted to ignore it or thought that it would get better but it hasn’t. I’m sorry and I wish you the best in your new beginnings. Take care of yourself and embrace your new freedom.”

(Bye-bye. That was entirely too nice and polite.)

I got an email back from her saying she understood and that she will take care of herself and that there were so many things she wanted to do and was held back from doing (I bet she’s going to Florida again) That she wants Savannah again and when the time is right, it will be right if we are meant to be. (still thinking I’m waiting around doing nothing here.) That she will miss me and that she feels like she’s taken me for granted (BINGO) that I’ve been so wonderful to her, blah, blah, blah and to drop her a line once in a while and she will too (wait, you have sh*t in my house. Don’t even think I’m going to be your storage facility and the line I will drop you is to say –

“Lee,

Will do. (only acknowledging me dropping her a line)

Hey, (please get your shit out of my house) when you get settled in to your new place (this week) you will need to get your stuff at some point. (like, as soon as possible.)”

Another long email back saying she was getting everything in to the new place tonight, may have to skip tennis practice (ok, don’t care) and that she will try to get it out tonight and thanks for letting her store stuff there.

(Ok, not f*ing tonight – I don’t want to see you.) I wrote back something to the extent that it didn’t have to be tonight but just soon. No word back on that.

Then, I sat there for awhile and that’s when I started to get steamed. I looked back on all my blog posts and it was almost the same story every time we slept together – the ex between us. This had been going on since the very beginning. This wasn’t going to change yet here I was with another woman’s stuff in my house – once again. Someone in her life being unstable with the possibility of doing harm either to themselves or to someone else – once again. Me putting on that ripped up, frayed SuperWoman cape and coming to the rescue – once again. Why do I always do this?

This is when I sent another email venting my anger. This one is per verbatim because they are my words:

“Lee –
I’ve thought about this for a while now and have debated on whether or not I was going to say this but I’ve decided that you need to hear it – maybe as a lesson, something not to do in the future or to just keep in mind. So here goes,

You are welcome for the great dinner, the shirt, cologne and boots I put on just for you. The dancing and the candles. The conversation and the note and drawing. Also, for the most explosive orgasm you’ve probably ever had – at least in four years. But, the fact that you said you were staying and then left because of your ex baggage is inexcusable. Remember that so the next time someone does all those things for you remind yourself of this and what not to do because the person on the other end could feel a bit used.

I felt better writing that and just skimmed the reply from Lee saying that I was absolutely right – that her actions were uncalled for and rude (they why did you do it?) Four years, try ever (at least I know I’m the best she’s ever had – ok, your loss) That her priorities are out of whack (no sh*t) and thanking me for calling her out on her behavior. Sorry for affecting me like this blah, blah, blah and wishing it were Savannah all over again no matter the location. (ok, that will never happen unless there is an entire purging of the ex from your life. Start working on letting go of that 9-year abusive relationship and let me know in a few years how it’s going. In the meantime, I’ve said my peace over and out.)

That night at home another text came in.

“You know how much a pain in the @ss my phone is, well, all day I kept getting your text message “long kiss”. (I sent that to her Monday morning after I wished her a happy v-day) Probably about 8 times. Little ironic 😉 (don’t even think you can just text me like nothing happened and good, you dererved that and don’t even think I’m replying)

“I won’t be able to make it by to get some of my stuff. (don’t even think you can just swing by any time and pick stuff up.) I already miss you (too bad) Gotta get back to it. Keep my mind on track.” (whatever, don’t care)

I texted back: tonights no good for me anyway (yes, I very busy) We need to make arrangements on when it’s convenient for both of us.

“It’s a deal.”

“I’m sorry, Lanie.”

(I’m so over all this ‘I’m sorry’ b.s.) and wrote : Look uv already apologized. There’s no sense in worrying over water under the bridge. I don’t think we should text or talk for awhile.

“It’s probably best but it will be hard and sad. (yeah, not having your emotional crutch around) I will miss you. Take care.”

No answer from me. I just really can’t talk to her right now probably not for a long time. I still just cannot imagine her getting her act together anytime soon. I think sometime down the road I could be friends with her but I need some space right now.

Radio silence.

Valentines Day Flop

I’m done with Lee for a while – at least until she gets more settled into her new living situation and even then she will have to prove to me that she’s in a better place not only physically but mentally.

I don’t know why I thought it would be different last night, but I did.

Could it have been because I had thawed three perfect filet’s and had them marinating in the fridge? Or had on a really sexy shirt with ripped up jeans and cowboy boots? And, cologne on my wrists and neck? Or the bottle of wine I had opened and letting breathe? The candles being lit? How about the letter I was writing her when she pulled up or the music that was our mix playing on the ipod?

Everything was great all through dinner. After desert we moved to the bedroom and she started to take off my clothes.

“Wait. Are you staying?”

“I don’t know. Why?”

“You know why. Don’t even start unless you’re planning on staying.”

“Well, I hadn’t planned on it.”

“But, you brought the dog.”

“Well, I brought her because [ex] wouldn’t have fed her or let her out tonight.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“I know. I’m going to go out to the car and text her to feed the cats.”

“What? She won’t even feed the cats if you’re not there?”

“No, she won’t do anything.”

I should have told her to go then. Especially, since I was loosing my –uh, arousal. Here we go with the ex being in bed with us – yet again, always. I was thinking this when she came back in and started where she left off saying she was staying. Everything was great until the middle of the night.

“Hey, I’m going to go.”

“What? Why?”

“I need to load up my computer at the other house. I’m afraid [ex] will smash it and I need to move it over to the new place.”

“You’re going to do this now?”

“Yes, I have to.”

“Ok, just go then.”

I wasn’t about to get up and walk her to the door. “Just let yourself out.”

She left and I fell back asleep.

Riding

Friday I got out of work early to go help Lee move in to her new place. I was running on four hours of sleep from the night before and feeling a bit rough. The doorbell rang and she was standing at the door. I motioned her in and could tell it had been a hard day. She had called in sick at work that day to get her things moved out. She came in and leaned against the counter. Despite not meeting my eyes and the cap pulled down low over her face I could tell she had been crying. I hugged her and she hugged me back. She sat down and started eating the McDonalds that she brought over. I busied myself in the kitchen making small talk while she ate. After she finished she said she needed to talk. I nodded, I had been expecting this – being dumped.

“I can’t get serious with anyone right now.”

“I know and it’s ok.”

“It’s just that I have a lot going on and I will probably be very distant and quiet the next few weeks getting used to my new place.”

“Take all the time you need.”

I knew she wasn’t expecting me to be so cool but I had actually been bracing myself for it. I also knew that she was up and down and very overwhelmed.

I spent the next day cleaning the house getting ready for a party that I was having the following evening. Lee had decided to take some of her things to Savannah and I thought that she probably wouldn’t be back in time for the party. I was disappointed. That night I was watching a movie and writing when a text came in.

“Hey, it’s Karen. I got your message. What are you doing tomorrow? Want to get together?”

I did want to get together. I needed a fresh outlook. We firmed up coffee in the a.m.

The next morning I sprung out of bed in just enough time to throw on my clothes and go meet Karen for coffee. I grabbed my motorcycle helmet and shouldered on my jacket on the way to the door. Lee and I had swapped cars for the weekend because she could fit more of her things in my truck and I felt it would just be wrong to drive her car to meet another woman. I could just hear the conversation:

“Is that your car?”

“No, it’s some girl I was datings car. She has my car because she’s moving out of her ex’s house of nine years this weekend. ”

Riiiiiiight. Let’s just skip all that and ride the motorcycle and then the conversation goes:

“Is that your bike?”

“Why, yes, yes it is.”

Muuuuuuch better.

Karen and I got along famously. She’s training for a triathlon right now so much of the conversation was bikes, training and traveling. I finished my latte’ and said I was going for a refill. She decided to do the same. I thought that was a good sign. We sat there for a good two hours before she said,

“Well, I have to get to my bike training.”

“Yeah, I have to get to my friend’s house to make the whiskey cake for tonight.”

We said goodbye after talking about the possibility of meeting up this week for a run.

Back at the house I was in the middle of doing last minute things when Lee texted that she would be getting back in to town soon.

She’s coming back early, I thought. Later, she pulled up and rang the doorbell. I was in the back of the house just finishing up lunch. I opened the door and she came in and hugged me.

“I missed you so much.”

“I missed you, too.”

“I went to our place with the two-dollar bill last night.”

“On Tybee?”

“Yes. I thought of you the whole night. I came back early because I wanted to come to your party tonight.”

After much kissing I walked her to her car.

“Hey, why’s the cover off your motorcycle?”

“I rode today.”

“Really, why?”

I smiled. “Seemed like a nice day for a ride.”

reset

Lee came over last night. This was the first since the weekend. A reasonable amount of time – not too long but long enough to get the occasional text of “I miss you” sent that day. I do very well with space, actually. Someone screams “space” and Lanie finds all kinds of things to do such as catch up with friends, clean the office or work on the book. It’s the time right after seeing someone that’s hard – the very beginning of the space, if that makes sense.

Yesterday, after receiving said text and after a brief conversation it was decided that we would get together that night. (After many protests of “But, don’t you have to pack?” from me she finally caved and said, “I would like to see you and I will pack the rest of this week.”) That night, when she walked in the door we kissed like we had been apart for a week instead of only a few days. After we tore ourselves apart we left to go to one of my favorite local bars. We sat at the bar and had drinks and shared a Reuben sandwich (which, we both love).

“I’ve felt so distant from you lately.”

“Well, when we have space we tend to have distance, too.”

“I don’t like that but maybe it’s all about taking it slow.”

“Maybe it is.” I agreed.

We talked about her moving situation and how things are very tense for her at home with the ex.

“I almost wish I could just put up with it and stay where I am.”

I shook my head. No, no I cannot deal with this. “Well, honestly, if you didn’t decide to move out – if this kept going on -then I’d be out the door.” Probably a little harsh, I know, but she was starting to scare me with this ‘battered woman’ syndrome.

She got quiet after that and gave me a look. I knew what I said had upset her.

“I’m sorry that sounded harsh and I know I upset you.”

“No you didn’t.” she said a little too forcefully. “I AM moving out. I AM packing.”

“I know you are and I can tell by the inflection in your voice that I did upset you so just tell me when I do. Don’t be afraid to say, ‘Lanie, just shut up and leave me alone about it.’ I don’t want you to be afraid to tell me when I’ve upset you.” This was turning out to be a lesson that I wasn’t sure I wanted to teach sitting at a bar.

“I got an email today from Florida saying
she’s pulling away.”

Not sure if she was bringing up Florida to get back at me for upsetting her or what. “Really?”

“Yes, I am a bit troubled by it.”

Great, she is getting back at me. “Well, it sounds like she wanted more.” I have the luck of geography.

Nodding and biting into her half of the sandwich, chewing and swallowing, “Yes, she did but I really want to see where things go with us.”

Good save and I would hope so at this point. “Me too but you have a lot going on right now. It could all look a lot different once you get moved out and into your new space.” Also, meaning that this ex sh*t maybe won’t end even after a change in geography.

“How do you mean?”

Swallowing my bite of sandwich.”Well, I could just be the – what did you call it – ‘spirit guide’ for helping you out of the bad situation you’ve been in all these years and into a new and better one. Once my job’s done you may want to move on.” Or go back to the ex or Florida or someone else.

“I think you are a large part of it but I don’t want to loose you. I want us to always be friends, if anything. That time in Savannah – we will always have that. That two dollar bill? It will always be there.”

Great, here we go with the friends thing again. “I know that but it sounds so final when you say it like that.” When she says things like that I start thinking about space and dating again and as if she read my thoughts she asked the next question.

“How many dates have you been out on since we’ve been going out?”

I stalled and asked, “How many date’s we’ve been on? I’d have to check my daytimer.”

“No, silly – how many date’s you’ve been out with other people.”

I shrugged, stalled some more. I hadn’t been out on any. However, it’s not as if I haven’t tried. There was one woman that I was supposed to go dancing with one night but she had to work late and since my pool league has started up I have no idea if I will even be free to go dancing afterwards so I hadn’t made any more plans with her. Honestly, if I had had more opportunities I probably would have gone out but I hadn’t.

I put my hand up making a sign of a zero with my fingers and thumb.

“None? Why? I told you to go out.”

She’s saying that but I know for a fact if I did she would have been upset and I wasn’t going to say anything about not having any opportunities. I was just leaving it at that. I know when to just shrug my shoulders and remain silent – which, I did.

Back at my house we ripped off each other’s clothes and fell into bed. Later, I woke with my head on her chest in what seemed like the most comfortable position in the world for sleeping.

“I have to go.”

Of course you f-ing do. “I know but can’t you just stay for a little while longer?”

“No, I have to get up or else I will fall back asleep.”

No you have to go home because you know you will have a repeat of this night.

And, she left. Reset space. I know I probably should have side stepped the how many dates thing. I know I probably should have said that part about her moving out or else better. I know I probably shouldn’t have told her that I would really like her to attend a little gathering I’m having at the house on Sunday and the reason being is that I wanted to show her off a little and I know all this could go to her head and that at any minute she could decide to pursue the Florida chick (especially since she just pulled away and most of the time the inexperienced react by trying to hold on tighter or chase). AND, I know that she won’t be getting into my pants anymore unless she agrees to spend the night.

Later, I chewed on all this on the treadmill and lifting weights and as I left the gym in a sweat I texted “Hey, Karen – just checking in to see if you still want to go out.”


tight, loose, tight

Lee and I seem to ebb and flow like the tides of, well, Tybee Island. Right after she got back from Florida and seeing muscle head we had the most fantastic night together. In fact, I even have it starred in my daytimer – I do that, record our dates. She told me that she only wanted to be with me and that she didn’t want to see anyone else. Strong, powerful words and I nodded acknowledging them at the same time thinking in the back of my head “She just missed me is all. I will let her have her moment of glory but I am still of the mindset that nothing, I mean, nothing is written in stone.”

The very next night she came over again. I can’t really remember what we did but I was really tired and wanted to just sleep. She offered to stay with me until I feel asleep. I questioned why she had to leave and not just stay the night. She wouldn’t really answer but I knew it was because of causing chaos in her current living situation with the ex. She set the alarm on her phone and we cuddled in bed and I drifted off to sleep. I woke up right before her alarm went off. (I do that – any alarm that is set my internal clock gets set to go off right before it.) I didn’t move but looked at her sleeping. She looked so peaceful and beautiful. I was enjoying myself when the alarm did go off and she woke. I kissed her and said, “Why don’t you stay?” She got up and checked her phone and immediately tensed and we were right back to this night. The ex was sending one nasty, mean text after another and threatening to throw all her stuff into the front yard and that she had until the end of the week and move out. Yes, the crazy sh*t one would expect from a bi-polar ex. Lee, started texting back. I wanted to grab the phone from her and hurl it out the window.

Instead, I said, “You know that that’s what she wants is for you to text back and play into her little game. The thing to do is turn the phone off and not answer her then, in the a.m. when she’s not quite so manic then you can deal with it.”

“You’re right.” She said, laying down next to me. “I am so tired of this sh*t.” I saw a tear come out of her eye and run down her face. She reached over just then and turned her phone off. I was proud of her at that moment but also remembered that peaceful look I saw just minutes earlier.

“I’m afraid to go home.”

“Then, don’t. Stay here.”

She did and got up early to leave. She kissed me and said, “I am so sorry for last night and bringing you into this.”

“I don’t want [ex] to affect what we have.”

“I don’t either.”

After she left I was annoyed. How many times was this going to happen? She spends the night with me and ex has a fit. I stay the night with her and ex has a fit. I was sick and tired of ex dictating everything and her abuse towards Lee. It also brought back baggage from my previous relationship. Not to mention I was tired from lack of sleep.

“Why do I always meet these women in transition?” I thought.

I was at an impasse. Either Lee packed her stuff and found a place soon or else I would be out the door.

That day she started actively packing after work. I offered my house to store some things that she didn’t want thrown into the front yard and she took me up on it. Later in the week she came over to spend the night and had things she wanted to unload.

“Thank you again for letting me leave some stuff here. I promise it won’t be here long.”

“No problem.” I said as I gently lifted two paintings out of the trunk of her car -one by her and the other her mother – and fell instantly in love. [They are now hanging in my middle bedroom, btw]

We pretty much spent the weekend together with it ending too soon in my book. Last night I asked her if she would come over. She did and spent the night. I was so happy because I had wanted to see her so badly. I was in a weird space. I had also quit smoking and was feeling – oddly for me- insecure, wanting closeness and to feel safe. She climbed into bed and spooned me and I fell asleep feeling safe. This morning I didn’t feel great and I had to tear myself away from her warm, sleeping body at 5:30 a.m.

“You can sleep in a bit and leave later.” I whispered to her.

“No, I will get up now.”

I laid down on the floor trying to pop my back. “Why didn’t you tell me your back was hurting?”

I shrugged and left to go pour some coffee – which, I didn’t need because my acid reflux had been acting up over the past few days and the Mexican food and beer from the Super Bowl party the night before didn’t help. In short, I felt like hell.

Later, at work I got an email from her saying she wanted to talk to me later about Savannah. I was going to go with her this weekend to help her move some stuff to her house there. I immediately felt weird again. Maybe she was taking that chick from Florida instead. Maybe she wanted another break. I didn’t know. It turned out to be a change in plan for her to go to her parent’s house instead, but she would still be gone all weekend – and, miss my Valentine’s party on Sunday.

“Next week I hope to be moved in to the new place but I need some time off to get used to it and acclimate the animals. I’m going to spend some ‘me’ time with and probably won’t be doing anything except working and playing tennis.”

I slumped in my chair. “Ok, whatever you need to do. I have a lot going on next week anyway.” Which, at the time was a lie but knowing me I can remedy that pretty fast.

Holding on loosely despite the tightness in my chest. Goddess, I wish I had a cigarette. Is it the nicotine talking or am I loosing it?

The weekend

I know you’re all wondering how this past weekend went and whether or not Lee is with muscle-head now.

Well, the weekend…..yeah, it started out with a bang on Thursday night. I went out to see my friend, Edith play pool and we ended up dancing – or, I should say – I ended up dancing at the country bar with her watching. Friday was low-key and I was hung over and bummed that Lee was leaving town. That afternoon I got a call from her wanting to see me before she left. I said no, I resisted. I finally relented by saying that I was at a local coffee place and that if she happened to drop by while I was still there I would see her. She came. When she walked in she immediately walked over to my table and bent over and laid the biggest kiss on me. It was kind of like “Officer and a Gentleman” style without her picking me up, of course. She sat down and took my hand and said she had missed me all week. (as you know we had taken a break that week) I had missed her, too, and my stomach dropped a bit thinking about this trip she was taking.

Fast forward to Saturday night and I’m at Ellen’s house for a party. I’m in the kitchen pouring a shot, Ellen is starting to make coffee for some hung over partygoers when we both hear our names shouted from outside of the house and not very nicely, either. Something to the effect of “Lanie, Ellen get your @sses out here right now.” I looked at Ellen like “wtf?”

Just then Amanda ran in and said, “Ellen, you’d better get out there. Killer is asking for you and she’s not happy that Lanie’s here.”

[Killer is the friend that I dumped right after my last gf. She’s the one who said I was being cruel to the ex because I wouldn’t help her move out of my house and at the same time accusing me of being with Ellen – who she wants to be with, btw, will never get over that and is half crazy]

I started to go and felt Amanda’s hand on my chest. “No, you stay here, Lanie. Don’t go out there. Let Ellen handle it.”

After much screaming in the front yard [from Killer] offering to kick both my and poor Natalie’s @sses (how Natalie got dragged into this I have no idea – she was at the fire ring in the backyard and oblivious to everything), everyone telling her to just go home she finally left. Afterwards, we all met in the kitchen for a shot.

“That was scary.” Amanda said, as she downed an American honey.

“I’m so glad she’s gone and I’m so done with her.” Ellen said.

“I find it hilarious that she wanted to kick my @ss. She must have been off her medication tonight.” Me

[nodding heads agreeing]

“Lanie, you just have women fighting over you all the time. You are trouble.” Ellen said with more of affection and jest than anything.

“Hey, man it’s not a lesbian party until there’s some dyke drama.”

“Here, here” Amanda said as we all raised our glasses.

“So, you worried about Lee?” Ellen

“No, if that little girl can fall in love with someone else in a weekend then I don’t want her anyway.”

More toasts and shots.

Sunday morning I got a call from Lee saying she missed me and that she was going to start heading back in the early afternoon and asked if she could see me that night when she got back. I said to wait and see what time she got back and we’d decide. She ended up getting back late that night and we talked on the phone and confirmed our date the next night. I went to bed thinking words are just words but I won’t really know anything until tomorrow night – until I see her and can look into her eyes. Then, I will know.

Last night she came over and the minute she walked in the door she hugged me and pulled me in for a long kiss. I had a steak marinating and salads already made in the fridge. I got her a drink and we sat down after I lit the grill.

“I really missed you, Lanie. I’m glad I went to Florida and hope that [muscle head] and I can be friends but it was you I thought of the whole time.”

-and, from the state of my bedroom this morning I would say that things are pretty on with Lee and I.