This and that

Wow, I have a lot to say today. I didn’t realize it until I opened Word to write. Let’s tick down the list, shall we?

1. Meeting ex gf tonight.
2. Meeting Lee’s parents this weekend
3. I dunno – mixed bag

The ex I’m meeting tonight is not my most recent ex but one from a very long time ago. There is a story behind this but in short, we dated for three months back in 2000 and broke up after a trip to San Francisco never speaking again until years later when she moved back from San Francisco. (Yes, she conveniently moved away after we broke up and I only found out about it through a mutual friend after she left) Years later when I did hear from her it was from finding her business card in my mailbox with a note on the back to please contact her. Long story short we became friends and she became my broker. However, she hasn’t sought me out to hang out or be friends the last two years. I think much of it has to do with my filing bankruptcy. I think she lost respect for me because I had to do that in order to survive. Despite what she thinks I had to do what I had to do. Being unemployed for over a year I lost almost everything except my house and my truck. If that’s true –that she has lost respect for me because I had to file then I will know tonight. Which, is the reason I wanted to meet with her but I had to bribe her to do it. The other day I got forms in the mail stating that her company was merging with another company. Since I still own a bunch of retirement funds with them there was a folder with paperwork in it asking me to sign and send back to her. I wasn’t playing that game. I emailed her “So, [new financial institution] huh?” She finally emailed back “Yes, moving up in the world. Send that paperwork back.”

I wrote back “If you want it you’re going to have to meet me for dinner.”

A little later she wrote back “Ok, how about Wednesday night at [pub in Decatur] at 6:30?”

I smiled to myself and thought ‘she’s still seeing her shrink then.’ Because every time we used to meet in the past it was right after her appointment at that place nearby. I know her so well even after all these years. The last time we were hanging out she had told me that she had stopped going. I thought it was a really bad idea considering her history but never said anything. Who am I to say?

Tonight I’m not going to sign the papers until she tells me why I haven’t seen her in two years and what has changed? If I don’t like the answer I’m not signing the papers. She doesn’t deserve my money if she’s lost respect for me. Next –

I am meeting Lee’s parents this weekend at her Savannah house. It’s going to be a bit strange and for reasons that I can’t get in to because despite Lee never reading this blog I do want to somewhat protect her privacy and not divulge everything I know about the girl. What will be strange is that first she [doesn’t think] her parents know about her. From what she’s told me about conversations with her mom – her telling her mom about me and her mom asking about me every time they talk (which, I think it’s almost everyday) I think they both know (mom telling the father, etc.) but have politely never said anything being afraid they would freak her out. (one of the strange reasons I can’t get in to but notice I’m always mentioning her talking to her ‘mom’?) I also think they know because she seems very close to her mother and honestly someone who is that close to a parent who politely asks about a new person in her daughter’s life has to know something’s up. Plus, I’ve also spoken to her mother a few times on the phone and the conversation has gone very well.

I’m not worried, though. I’ve tamed even the beastliest of parents, and, hell they can’t be as bad as my last gf’s parents whose mom tried to run over us with the van that one time or the time they started beating up on each other in front of us. Yeah, really it can’t be as bad as that was, so no, I’m not worried. Tomorrow night we’re going to go to the farmer’s market and get crab legs, shrimp, potatoes, kielbasa, beer and old bay seasoning and we’re going to have a Cajun boil when we get there. It should be a great ice breaker. (and, I’m going to remember to grab some extra beer for her Dad, too).

On another note: I have to fly to Dallas on Sunday. Lee is literally dropping me off at the airport to fly out on the way back from Savannah. So, not only do I need to pack for Savannah tonight but Dallas as well. I am hoping to make the trip relaxing like my last one to Arkansas. Some of the peeps that I met in Arkansas are going to be there and hopefully we can get in a few good runs while we’re there. It’s supposed to be in the 80’s so I am packing shorts. I hope to leave this cold, rainy weather behind for awhile.

boundaries and going on iPod

Yesterday felt like one of those days. We had a small reorganization at work while I was in Arkansas last week. It didn’t affect me but I’m glad I was out all the same. They ended up merging one department to another (not mine but one that is closely associated with mine) and one of the guys that was in my department got put into the merging departments. Yesterday, no one in my office did any work (except myself) because they were too busy placating the guy that is leaving. I sat in my cube and listened to him whine all day about how unfair it was and how could they do that to him, etc. until I got tired of listening and put on my headphones.

I admit I have such a hard time having sympathy for people sometimes.

This guy is constantly out on either sick or annual leave. The minute he accrues either he burns it. Every quarter when we have to have month-in our bosses are practically standing on his head to get everything completed. He’s one of those people who have to constantly be sat on to get the job done or else they just putt around all day. People like that drive me so crazy and I know if I were his boss I would be writing him up every time he showed up late or burned a day. I would seriously make his life a living hell until he quit and I could hire someone who would gladly complete the job without complaint or hold up. Which, I think is why my bosses put him into another department because the new department is ran by someone who is a micromanager and who I can see is going to do just what I mentioned above. It’s quite possible why he is being moved is that they’re tired of dealing with him and want the new boss to deal with him. It’s also probably why this guy is complaining so much, too. He knows that he’s not going to be able to get away with as much anymore.

From my point of view it’s really not a bad move. He’s getting his own office, he has a few more additional duties but nothing new from what he’s done before. He may even be getting a raise out of the deal. I was thinking about this as him and my immediate supervisor went into the next boss on the tier’s office to ask that he not be moved. I shook my head and put my headphones back on. The decision had already been made by the president of our company (I say president and company very loosely because I actually work for an agency.) and there was no going back and by running in and disputing the decision is just digging a larger hole to lay in. “People are so stupid.” I thought. All I could think about was how lucky we are to have jobs. Being unemployed for over a year really changed my point of view of working. Because we work for an agency we have great benefits, lots of sick and vacation time and even a pension if we stick it out long enough. We never work overtime – in fact, it’s not allowed and we get an hour of each eight hour day to work out. A lot of people don’t have these perks with their companies. Even the busiest or the worst days here are still ninety times better than the best day at my previous job.

I had to listen to headphones a lot yesterday to keep from letting what was going on drive me crazy or being tempted to voice my opinion – which, I try to limit in the office. I went for a long run in the meadow after work and even lifted weights then once I got in the car Lee called. She went right into something that’s been on my nerves in regards to her lately. (we finally got the phone issue resolved but there’s a few other things I know I mentioned previously that push my buttons) I cut off the conversation saying I had to get ready to go see a client and a friend. Even though she’s met the friend I was meeting she still asked jokingly if it was a date. I had to make a HUGE effort to keep from saying “What if it is?” and keep attitude out of my reply of “No, we’re just going to talk about books and blogging.” Which, I know she feels left out of but so what? I mean, you don’t see me trying to go out for tennis just because she plays. There has to be separate things and separate friends and like my friend and I discussed later that night – there has to be balance and boundaries. Sometimes I feel like I have to fight tooth and nail for that and to keep people from constantly getting the f*ck on my nerves. How about you?

running time

Yesterday at the gym after putting on my running shoes I felt some gravel from the trails I ran the previous week at training. I felt a pang as I took off my shoe and dumped it.

Not only did I miss the trails I missed not having any responsibilities other than getting myself to class on time. This week has hit me like a tidal wave and I’m left staring at my daytimer wondering where I can fit in some extra time. I shut the book with a snap, realizing there IS no extra time this week. It’s run, run, run – and, not the beloved trails of Arkansas.

Spring has sprung and I am getting busy with both my landscape clients and my motorcycle classes. I have meetings with clients after work both tonight and tomorrow night as well as teaching a double motorcycle class this weekend. To top it off, baseball season is about ready to start and I drafted my fantasy team last Sunday. (I have to figure out a way to get TV in the house so I can watch the occasional game.)

A close friend of mine, Shelle (one of the five who share the same tattoo with me) called the other day and I talked her into going to the beach with Lee and I the end of May. One year Shelle and I were at the beach with another friend (who also shares the tattoo) and we swam way out beyond the breakers. We stopped swimming and tread water when dolphins swam up and all around us. It was amazing. We were trying to be so quiet and not scare them but before we knew it they were gone. Almost like a dream. Every year I always want to go to this particular beach and I made reservations all the way back in September in case I had the money to go. Now that I have gotten both Shelle and Lee to go it’s actually affordable. (which, is really a stretch with even two people to be honest) I plan to swim out beyond the breakers again, too. Ah, I cannot wait – Flounders, Peg-Leg Pete’s, running in the very early mornings on the beach before it gets hot. Ice cold beer from the cooler, the sun on my skin and the smell of suntan lotion. Here.I.come.

training, relaxing and missing

I’ve been at a training thing all week in Arkansas. Because of the agency I work for is associated with the armed forces I am on a military base, in a dorm with soldiers running around and everything. I’m actually liking it, to be honest. The training is great and every day when I get out of class I either go for a run or go to the gym. Today, I found a bunch of trails that went around a lake that’s on base (it’s very wooded) and I wound around for almost an hour. It was probably the longest run I have done in a year. I’m trying to use this time to unwind, get back in shape and relax. So, despite the training from 8-5 it’s been kind of a mini vacation. I know that most people wouldn’t think that but compared to when I’m home and running from place to place and working two jobs this is a vacation.

I do miss Lee a lot. She’s looking after my cat and house this week. She’s been really great these days. I’m not in the habit of depending on anyone but myself but she’s proving to be someone I can count on. It’s nice feeling like I’m not alone, that I don’t have to solely take care of everything. Last Saturday I had a job that I absolutely had to finish before I left town the next day for training. It was aerating, seeding and fertilizing this client of mine’s lawn.

“I’m going to work my @ss off doing this.”

“I will help you do it. It will be fun!”

So, I gave Lee a company shirt and after she made me breakfast we took off for my client’s house and worked all morning. She proved to be a pretty good worker.

We were in the truck heading to a late lunch after the job was finished. “That was fun. I like doing work with you.”

“You did good, kid. Now where do you want me to take you for lunch?”

“Pizza!”

“You got it!”

We sat outside on the patio of the pizza place in the sun. We rolled up our shirt sleeves and shared a pitcher of beer. I was so happy and I couldn’t remember the last time someone I was seeing wanted to help me or to share something like that with me. I didn’t want the day to end and I didn’t want to leave for Arkansas the next day.

-but, I know she’s tending the house and this time away is very good for us. Missing is good which makes the reunion’s fantastic. So, I’m going to enjoy my time here and look forward to getting back to her.

Handle

I have a handle on it.

This week and I hope it lasts.

What I mean by that is that I feel in control this week, like I’m doing all the things I need to be doing and I’m focused. I know there are weeks that I feel the complete opposite. That I’m screwing up. Last week was one of those weeks where I felt like I was screwing up all week. It possibly had to do with the monthly timing, I know.

I had all my doctor’s appointments and the tests from the specialist came back ok so I’m good to go. I just need to get my cholesterol down and by doing so I need to eat better and work out more. I’ve already cut out red meat the last two weeks and it’s really made a difference in how I feel – despite the fact that I desperately crave a cheeseburger. Perhaps I can compromise with a lean turkey burger instead.

I also feel like Lee and I are on track again. Yesterday, she bought a new phone. I was very happy about it. Although, there are a few other things I had to nip in the bud. For instance, the other night Florida came up again. Like the cell phone, I am really tired of this topic. I have told her how I feel about it. I finally nipped it in the bud and said that if she went down to Florida even as “friends” that I was going to see other people. Sorry I’m serious about this. I’m not waiting around to find out later that she has decided that she has feelings for this girl or pick up the pieces if something happens between them. It’s either right here, right now or nothing and I told her that she had to make a choice or I was [gone] going to see other people, too. She said that I was right about not trusting Florida and that it could have an impact on our relationship and that she didn’t want to do anything to mess it up and apologized for bringing her up again.

[Smiling] “So you have them lined up, do you?”

[Smiling back] “You know, I have my Florida’s, too……………… you just don’t know about them.”

That seemed to take her back a step. I was amused by the look on her face and just kept smiling. Yes, I have had more opportunities to date recently. However, I have made a choice and it’s Lee. Like a friend of mine recently said, “I don’t have the emotional energy for more than one woman at a time.” I agree, I don’t, either. I have too many other things to focus on and even at times it’s a juggling match to date even one person, work two jobs and keep up the household chores. I think Lee finally realized how easily she could be replaced if she kept up the Florida game –

-and if she only knew how I love a woman in uniform. (who I work with on a daily basis I might add)

Stylish

The lovely J has given me this award:

As receiver of this Award, I have to do the following:

  • Present seven things about myself.
  • Name about a half-dozen bloggers you think deserve the award and contact them.
  • Create a link back to the person who gave you the honor.

So, here are seven things about myself:

  1. I love to go fly fishing despite it being years since I have done so. I am determined this year I will do both whether it be a big trek to North Carolina or just fishing the Chattahoochie on my way home from work. I already have my fishing gear pulled out and ready to go.
  2. I think of myself as somewhat of a bad @ss even though I am told that I have sweet eyes and look very harmless, meek even.
  3. People have said that they always know where they stand with me and that I don’t hesitate to tell someone what I think or call them out on something.  
  4. I’ve ridden motorcycles, dirt bikes and three-wheelers since the age of 6 and not too long after drove trucks, tractors and other various farm equipment.
  5. I have a pet peeve when I tell people that I grew up on a farm them saying “Oh, that’s so great.” It wasn’t great. It was a lot of hard work. I never had weekends off or summer vacation. I was always glad when school started and I played every sport offered just so I wouldn’t have to do farm work.
  6. I hated living in the country growing up and to this day isolation scares me worse than bad areas of Atlanta. I am comforted by the fact that there’s something always going on in the city and people being around. I feel safer in crowds than I do alone in the middle of nowhere. I wish I’d never seen Deliverance, too. (Yes, and we can see this is a problem when it comes to #1)
  7. It’s another pet peeve of mine when people ask where I see myself in five years. I don’t know – I’d just be happy to be alive. Maybe win the lotto and have a house on the beach so I could run on it every morning, work on my book, paint. That sounds nice.

And now a few bloggers I am passing this award on to the following (who are linked on my sidebar):

Caroline

Carla

Mags

Belinda

Bonda

Taken care of

Lee and I seem to always reconnect on the weekends. Last Friday evening was the start of a weekend motorcycle class I was teaching. Lee had asked me if I wanted to have dinner that night and I told her that I would be getting out of class late and that Saturday was a very early day. We hadn’t seen each other since Wednesday and it was looking like it was going to be the following week before we did see each other because she was still in a holding pattern over Savannah but getting close to deciding on going Saturday. I texted her:

“You want to come up and have a drink with me after class?”

“Why don’t I book us a room at the hotel?”

“Wha? Really? I thought you were going to Savannah?”

“I can go next weekend when you’re gone.”

“But, I have no change of clothes. [Cat name] needs to be fed.”

“I will swing by your house and get clothes and feed the cat.”

I was already texting back “No, you don’t have to do that. It’s ok-“ then I stopped and thought for a minute. She’s offering to do something nice and take care of you. I texted back, “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. Just email me a list of things you want from the house and I will get them. What time will you be out of class?”

I told her and we agreed to meet at the bar/restaurant across the street when I was finished.

The next morning I peeked through the curtains of the room only to see it pouring rain outside. I groaned as I dropped the curtain and poured some coffee.

“I so dread teaching in this.”

“Why don’t we stay another night?”

I didn’t even think twice about it and said, “If you’re ok with it so am I.”

So, Lee and I stayed together all weekend. I must say it helped get me through a very difficult class. Sunday after she checked out of the room she came over and picked me up for lunch. After sitting down in a nearby taqueria, I picked up the menu and tried to read it and couldn’t. We were drenched in the rain all morning and then the wind had picked up making the temperature feel like a whopping 30 degrees. I was still shivering in my wet boots, my eyes were burning from the wind and I was exhausted. I handed the menu to Lee and asked if she would read it to me – just the items that she thought I would like. After she ordered for me I went around to her side of the table and put my head on her shoulder not caring what anyone in the restaurant thought.

Not only had the weather been horrendous we also had a class of people with difficulties grasping simple directions, basic riding skills and paying attention. Sunday I was at the very end of my patience and after several of them went in the wrong direction nearly colliding with each other I grouped them up and gave them a stern lecture.

“If you don’t know WHERE to go simply ASK. In fact, instead of talking about which motorcycle you’re going to buy while we’re riding the demo’s, reading the directions or waiting in line perhaps try LISTENING and WATCHING for a change.” It was like herding cats with broken legs and explaining calculus to three year olds all weekend.

I got into my car to drive home and almost wept in relief of it finally being over. I was looking forward to getting out of my wet boots and into a hot shower. Afterwards, I pulled on a pile lined sweatshirt and stepped into fuzzy Merrell shoes. Warm at last. Just as I was walking out to the kitchen Lee pulled up. She got out of her car smiling and asked,

“Want to go to [favorite pizza place]?”

“You bet!”

“There’s my smile.”

Yeah, it’s nice to be taken care of.

Last shot win

You’re probably thinking my whole blog is devoted to Lee and our relationship but there’s actually other aspects of my life I have devoted my time and energy to outside of our relationship.

For one thing, I’ve joined a pool league. Back in the early 90’s when I first moved to Atlanta I played in several bar leagues which are very different from the APA league I play in now. In some ways, it’s easier and some much harder. For example, the bar leagues you had to call every shot. If you called a particular pocket and it went into another you didn’t get the next shot – it was called a “slop shot” and not looked on favorably by some of the other players. Something else that was completely legal but not looked on favorably was hitting your ball off your opponents ball. Most of the time you tried to avoid both instances when playing in a bar league. There were times I remember in the bar leagues when someone would get really wasted or belligerent (or both) when they were losing. I remember one women no one wanted to play or if they did they always threw the game because they just didn’t want to deal with her attitude. Every season a new person to the league would beat her and be shocked when she splintered the cue over the side of the pool table and was escorted out. In fact, we would always sit back and watch the newbie’s do this at the beginning of every season – it proved to be quite entertaining. Then, we would say:

“Oh, we’re sorry. We forgot to tell you that she gets like this when she loses.” and it was no wonder that she was always in first place every season.

Some of the APA rules are that the only ball you call is the 8 ball. You even have to mark the pocket you’re intending to shoot it into. You can mark it with anything from a lighter to a small token that means something to you but never with money or the chalk you use on your cue. You always have to hit your ball first and it always has to bounce off a rail.

I knew my friend, Edith, played in a league and the beginning of this season I met her at the pool hall when all the teams met up. I was hoping to get on her team, however, it turned out that her team was full. She took me around and introduced me to the players on the other teams. One team said they could possibly use me because a woman on their team didn’t show up that week but they wanted to give her another week and the benefit of the doubt before they would consider me. I really thought it was because I didn’t have a ranking and they didn’t want to take a chance on me. (Ranking is another difference between APA and bar leagues – I was never ranked in the old league so I had no ranking.) As I was handing the woman my number I heard Edith say, “Hey, Lanie – I have someone I want you to meet.”

I looked across the bar and spotted her hugging a short, Latina woman. I walked over.

“This is Lanie. Lanie, Mick.”

We shook hands, “Edith tells me that you’re looking to get on a team.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Well, we need someone right now. I could start you as early as next week.” and that’s how it all started.

That night I went home and tried to remember where I put my old cue. I hadn’t seen it in years. I had bought a Dufferin back when I first started playing in the bar leagues. I turned on the light in the utility room in the carport. This room is in constant disarray as I store my bicycles, lawn equipment and other various tools and home repair items. I looked around and spotted the corner of the hard case poking up from behind the kick bag. I grabbed it and gave it a tug just as a cooler fell on my head. Rubbing my head I tugged the case free and tripped over the lawn mower falling out of the room and into the carport. My case was intact but had mold all over it, leaves stuck to it and the cover torn off of it in some places. I brushed off the leaves and took it into the house. I opened it and took out both pieces of the cue and rolled them across the counter to see if they were bowed. Both rolled perfectly straight – got to love Hard Rock Maple that the brand is known for. I scrubbed the case and was able to clean most of the mold off but what was left was probably just wear and tear. I found some decals I got in England and covered most of the places where the cover was worn or chipped. My old cue was back!

I showed up the following week and I no more had warmed up and Mick put me up first throwing me into the fire going up against someone who had an established rank as a 3. (I came in as a 3 but only because that’s another APA rule. If you have no ranking you go in as a 3 but could slip to a 2, stay at a 3 or go up to a 4. The highest rank on team and most of the other’s is a 6 which, most of the time but not always is the captain.) Each team plays another team in the league every week and ironically my very first opponent was from the team that put me off the previous week. I won the match after three games (whoever won 2 games first won the match) and as I shook hands with the woman her captain came over and said, “Wish we would have snapped you up last week.” I wanted to say, “I’m glad you didn’t because I like the team I’m on.” But I said, in half jest “Your loss.” Raising an eyebrow and smiling crookedly as I unscrewed my cue and went off to the bar to get a pitcher of beer for my team.

There are eight of us on the team and half of us have androgynous names including myself. We have one school teacher, a government employee (myself) and the rest are managers for a popular gas station/convenience store throughout the metro area. We have Caucasians, African Americans, and Latina’s. I like the diversity and the opportunity to befriend and hang out with people I would not normally meet on a day to day basis.

Last night we played Edith’s team and I went up against a 4. It didn’t look good for me. It was week six and I had won every match up until that night. As I dusted my cue with Edith’s chalk I thought my winning streak was rapidly coming to an end. “Don’t think that.” I thought. Just then Captain Mick came up and said, “Don’t think too much. Just play.” One thing about her is that she can read my like a book. I think I would have lost or blown several games if it weren’t for her good timing on calling a time out to coach me or reading my mind and telling me.

Because it was a match between a 3 and a 4 – I had to win two games and my opponent had to win three. I won the first only because she missed on the 8 ball and I had an easy shot on it. She won the second and third games.

“What’s going on? I go to the bathroom and come back and you’re losing.” – Mick

“She’s ran the table and I can’t get a shot in”

I had three balls on the table and she was lining up to hit the 8 but it was a difficult shot for her.

“You can do this. If she doesn’t make it call time and we’ll break it down.”

She missed and I called time.

“What’s your thoughts?” Mick always asks this when we’re on a time out. I am starting to learn that the most obvious shot is not the one she wants me to go for as she’s always thinking ahead and lining up for the next one.

“The 4 to the…..” she started shaking her head.

“You hit that and you have nothing left for the 6 and the 9. What I want you to do is go for the 9, line it up center then go just below center and keep your eye on the pocket. Hit it lag speed and that will line you up for both the 6 and the 4. You can do this.” As she patted me on the back and went back her table.

I did exactly that and hit all three in and lined up on the 8 and missed. I knew my opponent had me. She lined up and missed leaving me an easy shot. I won the match keeping my winning streak.

“I knew you could do it.” She said as she hugged me and then said in a low voice “you are the second best player on this team and you’re going to be great.” Then pulled away and said in a normal tone “Next pitcher’s on me.”

Leave Me Alone (I’m Lonely)

After having such a fantastic time together the previous weekend Lee and I started off the week very close. Very, very close. There were phone conversations, texts and a dinner date at my house on Wednesday evening to which she stayed the night. By yesterday I was kind of worn out from my busy work week. Two evenings this week I did landscape work and this weekend I have to teach a motorcycle class. The earlier sweet nothings turned to

“I have to go to sleep now.”

“But, we just got on the phone.”

“I know but you’re rustling around and banging stuff in my ear and I’m over it and going to sleep.”

So, one minute I love you and the next is leave me alone. Maybe I should have skipped the Wednesday evening date at my house this week since it was so busy. I don’t know, though, if we started skipping dates during the week on weekends I work or am out of town then we would never see each other. Again, I think less is more in any dating situation – to keep it fresh. To miss each other. To not get on each other’s ever last nerve and speaking of last nerves. [can you tell I’m about ready to start?]

I am one of those people that 90% of the time when I say I’m going to do something I f-ing DO it. Unless it’s something like if I win the lotto I’m going to buy a Ducati 999 and a Porsche Carrera that kind of thing. For months Lee’s been complaining about her company phone duplicating text messages. She keeps talking about trading it in for another, getting another phone or even changing her personal phone’s service. In fact, this has been going since December [when we met] and do you think she’s done anything to change this? No. Almost every day she comments on receiving a duplicate text from me. I finally told her this week that I was tired of hearing about it. It’s actually starting to drive me nuts, in fact. I’ve even started to nag her every time she brings it up I reply that if she had an iPhone or better phone service this wouldn’t happen.

And, what makes it so bad is the woman works for a telecom company. That’s like me saying I’m a motorcycle instructor but ride a 1976 moped. Seriously.

Another thing that’s on my nerves is for two weeks in a row she’s talked about going to Savannah the following weekend. She was supposed to go last weekend but she stayed and we were both glad she did but the reason she didn’t go was that she decided that she was going to go this weekend instead. Well, now it’s she can’t decide if she’s going or not. One minute she’s going the next is she doesn’t know then no she’s not going. I don’t really care at this point I just am tired of hearing about it. Either make a decision or shut up about it. I know that sounds harsh but I’m also one of those people that don’t find it very difficult to make decisions and people who cannot get on my nerves.

So, you can see some of the reasons why I distance myself from Lee from time to time is because some of it is stuff that drives me crazy and the other is just my stuff and I need time to cool out about. I have gotten better with timing when I talk to her. For instance, the other night I was in a mood. My results came back from my doctor’s office and there are some things I need to work on. I wasn’t in a good mood when she called. I knew she was concerned about my results and was calling to consol me which, I knew was sweet and thoughtful but midway into the conversation she was trying to joke and I didn’t feel like it and it led to her saying something that really annoyed me. I can’t even remember what it was, really. Hell, she could have said, “You are so beautiful and I love you very much.” and I would have found something to be annoyed about her saying that – that was the kind of mood I was in. I suddenly cut off the conversation and said, “Can I call you back, I have to load all my equipment.” And she said, “Oh, yeah, no problem.” It was true I did have to load up the truck because I was heading to a client’s house and was late, actually – another reason I was in a fizz. All not her fault and my own stuff so I’m glad I handled that the way I did instead of just going off on her.

Things like this make me wonder if I will ever actually be in a long term relationship, even cohabitate with my partner again. If I will just be one of those people that will go from relationship to relationship only being with someone until all their little nuances get to me so much that it’s time to move on. I know to some that may seem very sad and unfulfilling but to me it’s actually not all that bad. Maybe a compromise of being together and living in separate places or having two places to go to each having a place to go when they need to be alone.

Text just now from Lee: “When will you be done tonight”

Me [thinking] WHEN I’M DONE, WOMAN replying “I don’t know”

Guess this means she’s not going to Savannah. Which means, all weekend I will get – “When do you have to be at work? When are you done? When are you home?” When, when, when?

-and my answers are “Early, when we’re finished, when I get there.”

I think I will go buy that lotto ticket.
No, I know I will!

active space

I’m sure you’re wondering what’s happened to me. Well, I will give you an update. Part of the reason why I haven’t been posting and commenting lately is because I lost my internet connection at home so when I do post I do it through my iphone. (the great thing about that thing is that I have a WordPress app for it) It’s all good because I decided that I haven’t even watched regular tv for awhile and can get by with no internet service at home as long as I have my phone.

I’ve also been very busy with work. Almost all of my landscaping clients from last year are calling me to plant pretty flowers and shrubs for them. They have spring fever as well as –

-Lee.

I know you were waiting for me to get around to mentioning her. Things have slowed down significantly since Valentine’s Day. I’ve kept her at a comfortable distance and am simply enjoying myself and not getting too heavy into anything. The moving out has done a lot of good for her but I think she’s still dealing with some things. I have seen an improvement in her and we’ve had a lot of good dates recently. Last weekend we rode bikes in Piedmont Park, threw the softball, helped a friend of mine build a chicken coop and found a new favorite pizza place (that has really good beer prices, I might add). As we sat at Frogs having lunch I said that I couldn’t remember the last time I went out with someone who would ride bikes with me and just play. Lee said the same.

I’m sitting here trying to remember the last time I did go out with someone who I was active with and it took me all the way back to psycho girl that had the boat and about the only active things we did together was swim and once in a while I would ski behind her boat. [But, the water sports sure weren’t worth enduring her bi-polar rages.] The girl before was an ex-anorexic marathon runner and it seemed like we had to always be training for a marathon.

Two things I remember from that relationship was my knees always hurting and her exclaiming “You’re not going to use that non-fat-free dressing on your salad, are you?!”

“Uh yeah, I just ran ten miles with you, sweetie, now pass the pizza so I can put some ranch on that, too!”

So, things are at a comfortable pace with Lee and I’m happy with it. On the phone last night:

“You like your space during the week, don’t you?”

[Thinking ‘yes I do’] Answering “Well, I get up so early in the a.m. and need to be in bed early that it’s hard to get things done if I make a lot of plans during the week.”

“That’s cool.”

Yes, it is. I’m finding that a good balance between time together and space is a good thing.