deal breakers

Yeah, I know – I have a lot on my mind these days. Why you are seeing two new posts in the same day. (I can’t remember the last time I did that.)

Lee is moving back into her ex’s house.

There. I said it.

I know you’re all going into an outrage right now going “WHAT? Oh, F- that!” [Well, if you aren’t that’s ok, too] But, I’m actually ok with it. Really, I am. Lee and I talked about it in length before she made the decision to move back in there. In fact, she told me that she wouldn’t consider it unless I was ok with it and she got my blessing. The reasons why I am ok with it is because her current living situation is very bad right now. Lee lives in one room of a house where the owner pet sits (as her second job) and there’s always barking – sometimes growing dogs in the house. The owner/landlord hasn’t fixed the ductwork in the attic so Lee gets basically no air-conditioning in her room. The owner/landlord – let’s call her crazy Paulette walks in on Lee all the time without knocking hoping to catch Lee in a moment of undress. She’s basically an old perve. (and, don’t think that I’m not going to call animal control and alert them that this woman is running an illegal kennel out of her home)

The ex is renovating her basement to make it an apartment. It has it’s own separate entrance and parking and she has offered it to Lee at a reduced rate. Since Lee moved out they have continued to speak and try to have some sort of a friendship. I think the pressure has been off of them because of Lee getting a new job and the two of them not seeing each other at work anymore. I’ve been in the house and around the ex and neither one bother me so I’m ok with it. Plus, now I think Lee and I are a little more solid than we were when she lived there previously and we were just starting to date –

-or so I thought.

Yesterday, we let our class out early and I was home, showered and sitting on the bed watching Queer as Folk episodes by 4:00. Lee was helping the ex move a new refrigerator, bed and shower that she had picked up at Home Depot and Ikea that day and was running late. By the time she came in she was frazzled and I could tell she was a little annoyed. I’m sure it had to do with spending the day with the ex moving things but that was her deal. She agreed to do it – so be it.

She came over and kissed me and frowned. “You did it again.”

She meant that I had smoked. Yes, I had. When I came home from class I had kicked my boots off, cracked open a beer and lit up my first and only cigarette of the day. Since then I had drank another beer and brushed my teeth twice.

“I know.”

“Well, I thought you were only going to do this on Thursdays when you play pool.”

“Well, I guess not.” I shrugged.

“What changed?”

“Nothing. I just wanted one.”

“Well, I’m not going to kiss you.”

“Ok, so don’t.”

“This is a deal breaker. I may just split.” She said in half-jest.

She’s said this before but I was getting tired of it and decided to address it. I asked her if she would sit down. She sat.

“I understand that you don’t like this. I do. But, it’s something I have to quit on my own. Not for someone else. And, right now – I just can’t. I cannot. I don’t have a desire to, either. You have to have the desire to quit or else you cannot. I don’t know how long or how often I will. I don’t smoke around you. I don’t smoke when you’re here staying with me. I didn’t smoke the whole time we were on vacation together. I go days without doing it and then I smoke. (and, no, I didn’t smoke because I was angry with her for being late because of the ex and to somehow get back at her) I don’t want to keep having this argument with you. I understand if you want to break up with me because of it. It’s a nasty habit but one I cannot break unless I want to but you can’t threaten to break up with me to get me to stop. That won’t work. It will only build resentment. Now. If you want to leave or break up then do so. Perhaps if you want to leave me because of this one.thing about me you can’t stand out of all the other wonderful things we have together then maybe it’s for the best.”

Lee sat there for awhile. I could tell I shocked her. She finally mumbled something that sounded like “I can’t decide right now.”

I told her that perhaps she should leave and go home and think about it. If she couldn’t decide just then to leave. She shook her head and said, “No, I meant I just don’t know what to say.” She started crying and put her head on my chest and sobbed “I don’t want to lose you.”

We got through it and went out [finally] and had dinner. I think much of the reason why we had a discussion (not really a fight but she was spoiling for a fight) was because of her being emotionally strung out from being around her ex all day. She wanted to take it out on me – and, my smoking was the No. 1 target. It’s all going to be very interesting when she moves back in there.

I wonder if it will be my deal breaker.

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5 thoughts on “deal breakers

  1. smoking is one of the most difficult addictions to break away from. there are much worse things than a cigarette, though. i hope that everything will be ok. take care of you~

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  2. I continue to struggle with my smoking. I haven’t told but a few people, but I have fallen off the wagon again. I wish I could quit for good, but damn it’s hard.

    I like how you explained it to Lee…..

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    • Thanks for the support J, Caroline. Caroline I know it is hard and I remember u posting one time about slipping and someone made a very – let’s just say – non supportive comment to that on your post and I wanted to fire something right back at them.

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