get out

“Are you mad at me?” Lee

“No.” – but, that’s typically a question when asked that makes me mad.

I just wanted her to leave so I could have some much needed privacy. It’s like this after every weekend we spend together. Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights are great but then it’s “Get out.” when my work week starts –despite working over the weekend. In fact, it may be a little intensified when I haven’t had a day off in awhile.  

She hugged me and said, “Ok, guess I won’t see you this week.”

“You say that at the beginning of every week.” –and it’s getting old, believe me.

This morning’s “get out” was even more intensified from the nightmare I had in the wee hours of the morning. I never told Lee because she would have wanted to know what it was about and I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to be alone with my coffee and thoughts before I went in to work.

I have been having bad dreams about my ex lately. In fact, the last two nights I have had nightmares about her breaking into my house and squatting and me having to take care of her again. In the dream it’s always the same –her constantly crying and saying that I have to take care of her and her doing nothing but wasting away. In last night’s dream rats came in to the picture. They were eating her alive while she cried and said she was so sick. I sat up in bed in a cold sweat, my heart racing and looked at the clock – 3:30. I looked next to me and feared it was my ex laying there sleeping but it was Lee instead. I laid back down and spooned her while waiting for my heartbeat to slow and for sleep to overtake me.

I don’t know if it’s buried guilt for throwing her of the house (I actually gave her 30 days notice) or if it was abuse that I suffered from her always trying to make me feel guilty and manipulating me through her constant crying. I know she frequently used her illness(es) to get what she wanted and to manipulate people in to giving her things or doing things for her.

Initially, when I wanted to break up with her I couldn’t. I remember telling friends that I couldn’t throw a disabled person out on the street – especially, one that was my girlfriend. I eventually realized (with the help of a few friends) that I couldn’t go on that way and if I stayed in that relationship and we continued to live together then I would have a nervous breakdown and wouldn’t have any life for myself. It would be devoted to taking care of her and her kid. When I did break up with her she cried and cried and asked “I have nowhere to go. Where will I go?”

She had family she could stay with. A mother, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. She would find a place. Plus, she had just started getting her disability checks. (Which, the two years together I helped her get. I wrote every document for her. Filed every packet, went to every one of her doctors to give them the forms and paid for them to be done.) She did eventually find a place and moved out the 30th day of the notice I gave her. It had all gotten so ugly by then. She had told me that I was a mean, selfish person.  I said that was ridiculous. That she had had two years of cushiness. Everything paid for, a BMW to drive and an allowance. My guilt turned to anger. I said the “Get out” for real and meant it.

I have cut her out of my life for good and have no desire to hear from her – maybe that’s why the nightmares are nightmares. I had recently heard that she had a new gf (who is a warden at a women’s jail) who she has moved in with. I am happy that she found another sucker someone to take care of her but I cannot help but feel sorry for the poor fool them.

I’ve changed the locks on the house but I still feel like she’s getting in. I just want the nightmares to stop.

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7 thoughts on “get out

  1. You have no reason to feel guilty but I understand why it might be there. You provided for your ex and that is more than most would do. You needed to take care of yourself and that meant cutting her out of your life. I hope the nightmares stop soon. Take care!

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  2. I so identify with this. Truly. I still have nightmares that S is squatting in my new apartment and I can’t get him to leave. It’s awful. Drinks soon?

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  3. I agree with everyone else….you should not feel guilty about your ex. You supported her (both emotionally as well as financially) for two years, you took her son into your home…the least she could have done was treat you well.

    I keep having dreams about S as well as my ex-husband. It’s so weird and I wish I knew what I was trying to work through. Last night I had a dream about S and there was this huge explosion and I couldn’t find her. I woke up and realized there was a thunderstorm…..

    I hope you are able to sleep well tonight.

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