Savannah or bust part III

The saga continues……….

I went over to Lee’s new digs last night for dinner. I had so much stuff to get done that night and before the trip that I was feeling overwhelmed. I was sitting on the bed folding clothes and watching Felicity when she called. I really didn’t want to go over there. I was tired and it was the first moment of the day I had been able to sit down and relax even if I was folding clothes. While we talked, I threw clean clothes that I wanted to pack into the laundry basket. I didn’t even count the underwear – just threw a bunch in. Running clothes, socks, shirts, check. The only reason I hadn’t cancelled was because she had already thawed some expensive steaks and I wanted to see if I could get any further in figuring out things between us before this trip. I told her I’d head that way, hung up and sighed. I threw on a t-shirt and grabbed my backpack in case I was allowed to stay that night.

I pulled up in front of the house where Lee’s car was parked. The ex wasn’t home from work yet. I pulled the emergency brake and got out walking up the driveway, through the gate and around the side to the door of her basement apartment. I knocked and she opened the door. I went inside and we hugged until she broke away and took the steaks out of the refrigerator and showed them to me.

“These look good, huh?”

I agreed. I was still wondering why I hadn’t gotten a kiss yet. We grilled the steaks, baked the potatoes in her microwave and steamed the edamame on her small range top and sat down and watched early episodes of The Profiler. Later, I fell asleep on the futon curled up next to her.

I got up and stretched. “Do you want me to stay or should I go home?” This was kind of a test since I hadn’t brought my bag in.

“Well, did you bring your things for work tomorrow?”

“Yes, my bag is out in the car.”

“Well, ok as long as you want to.”

I didn’t really feel like driving home after being asleep so I ended up staying. We got ready for bed and both laid down facing each other. I saw her close her eyes. I again wondered why I hadn’t gotten a goodnight kiss. She opened her eyes and saw me looking at her and said, “What?”

“You know what.”

“No, what?”

“This weirdness between us. That’s what. And you didn’t even give me a goodnight kiss.”

As if to cure everything she gave me a kiss just then. “There.”

“That’s not it. Are we going to talk about the elephant in the room or pretend it’s not there?”

“Elephant? What?” I sometimes forget that Lee doesn’t get some of the metaphorical idiom’s I use in conversation.

“This thing we have had between us since she was in town.”

“There is nothing going on between us. I told you that.”

“Whether there is or not you may still want to be with her.”

“I don’t. Maybe I just don’t want to be with anyone right now. I’m just going through a lot of change right now. Moving…..” She trailed off. There wasn’t anything but moving that I knew of that she was going through.

“And?”

“Nothing else. I mean –“ and she started to cry. She sobbed “Maybe it’s me who is unstable. I’m just so scared right now.”

I hugged her and said, “Scared of what?” I almost expected her to say then “-of losing you.” But instead what she said mystified me.

“Of being alone.”  Ok, you just said maybe you should be alone and now you’re saying you’re scared of it. WTF?

“But, you’re not alone. I’m right here in front of you and I’m not leaving unless you want me to – that’s what I’m trying to figure out – if you want me to.”

“I think we started dating too soon after my 9 year relationship. I think I should have learned to be alone for awhile. Maybe I should have dated more.” Talk about being all over the place….

I pulled away and said, “Here we go with the dating around thing again. Look. You’ve wanted this dating around thing since we met. You dated around and I didn’t. If you want that again just say so and I will leave.”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure.” That seemed to be apparent.

“Well, don’t stay with me just because we have this thing coming up. I mean, we don’t have to go to Savannah. I mean, you can go and I will stay home. Don’t stay with me just because it’s my birthday and we have this planned. I can do something else.” [Thinking: D@mn right, I could pack up one of the motorcycles and ride to Tybee and camp all week. Lee be damned it wouldn’t stop me from going.]

“No, I don’t want to break up and I don’t want to lose you. Even if we did break up I would still want to see you.” Meaning I would want my cake and eat it, too.

Somehow we got through it all and laid back down to go to sleep. I felt somewhat better about it (only in the fact that I was finally almost sure that her and that woman hadn’t had an affair on me while she was here) but I still had my reservations. I thought, “Well, if it doesn’t get back to the way things were during Savannah it’s going to be the same situation as I’ve had with several of my gf’s of the past which is –

-I am so breaking up with your @ss when we get home.”

I don’t know what it is. I really don’t think Lee wants to see anyone else. Unless she’s been lying to me and wants to be with Muscle Head. I’ve given her so many outs on that. Could it be that she is confused or wants to be by herself? But, Lee isn’t really the type to be alone. She always has to have someone. I even brought up that we’ve given each other a lot of space during the week. I don’t really think it’s that she wants to be alone. I really don’t think that she wants to date a lot of people, either. Unless she just has a hard time committing to someone  -me. Maybe she’s always going to think the grass is greener. Or maybe she wants to be with someone who she can constantly be up their @ss and she knows she’s not going to get that with me. Or that she doesn’t want to be with a smoker – oh, wait – it’s been  last Saturday since I smoked. She can’t use that excuse anymore.  Either way –

 [For you, Sarah] to be continued…….and, don’t think that I’m not taking my laptop to the island and keeping you updated while I’m there.

 

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Savannah or bust – part II

“She is hoooooot!”

Sloan and I were shoved up at the bar here doing happy hour.

“Yeah, this place is better than a strip club. You get to see skin but when you give them money they give you food and drink in return.”

It was operation “be unavailable” to our gf’s – or in Sloan’s case – ex gf.  

Both our phones vibrated at once and we looked at them.

Same question from both “What are you doing?”

Same text back from Sloan and I “Having happy hour with Sloan/Lanie will talk later.”

We put our phones back on the bar facedown and smiled at each other.

Just then Sarah slid onto the stool beside us. I had prepped her on Sloan before she got there. “Don’t mention jail unless she does, etc. ” There happened to be a guy sitting at the bar, Steve, that she knew.  Introductions were made and we all struck up a conversation. Sarah asked about Lee and I basically gave her a run-down. Then I said, “Sloan’s gf just left her for a man -” And bit down hard on my tongue to keep from saying “-while she was in jail.” Who was I to be prepping Sarah when I almost blurted it out?

Sloan nodded and said, “It’s true” taking a drink of the strong concoction in front of her.

“I’ve always heard it was the other way around.” Sarah

“Me too.” Steve

We talked some more and then Steve went off to swim practice. It was pouring outside and we said all he had to do was walk down Cobb Parkway.

“Wow, there are a lot of men here.”

 “Yeah, everyone gets something. Sloan and I get to watch the servers and you get to watch the men. It works out and better than the bloody eye.”

Things have still been a bit shaky with Lee. Friday evening she came up to Alpharetta and we went out for drinks. I could not get her to stay because of the dog. We did fall asleep for a little while in the hotel and she got up and left after awhile. Saturday she asked me if I wanted to go to a party with her. It was another one of these parties and instead of saying “Hell no” I politely said that I thought it would be a good idea for her to go on her own and make some more friends. She stopped by that night on her way to the party and had a drink with me. Sunday we went out to dinner after my class let out. So, we have seen each other but there hasn’t been any fire.

“So, do you think Savannah is going to make a difference?”

“Yes, I think it will be good for us.”

All I could think about was the time we were there last winter and she still went to Florida afterwards. I wanted to say “Well, it didn’t then.” But, I didn’t. I’m tired of talking about that woman.

“Don’t worry about things so much. It’s going to be fine.”

 All I knew was that I wanted to run on Tybee and sit at that tiki bar and drink a 24 oz. Red Stripe afterwards. I wanted to eat pizza at Hukapoos and have a drink at Fannie’s and walk the streets of Savannah and smell the air. I almost didn’t care if it worked out with Lee and I or not as long as I could just be there again. I nodded and said, “Ok.”

savannah or bust

So, it’s do or die time with me and Lee. I know you’re probably thinking “WTF? I thought you were done.” No, no, nooooo – it can never be that easy.

I know I said in the previous post that I was taking a break. I emailed Lee this:

“Just because we finally came to an understanding between the two of us and what’s happened, how we feel and our needs does not mean that I still don’t want to take a break. I want to see you get settled in your new place and reevaluate in a month to see.”

Her answer:

“Well, I’m not sure why you want to be this drastic about it. I was looking forward to Savannah but at this point I’m not sure with you pushing me away this far will ever get us back. If we believe our love is strong enough then we will be together again. I’m just not convinced this type of distance is healthy.
I will give you your space and wait to hear from you.

I will miss you.”

Lee

Then, stupid me I relented and said that I would be willing to do a face to face to talk about this before a decision would be made. [Stupid, stupid, stupid…..]

That face to face turned into dinner, kissing and fantastic makeup sex. [Sigh…….]

Then, Wednesday I helped her move the rest of her things out of her old apartment and into the new one. [I know – let’s all chant “stupid, stupid, stupid….”] That night she took me to dinner for helping her and I joked “I guess you were hopingwe’d make up so I’d help you, huh?” She joked back something but then our joking turned a bit malicious. I don’t know how it got to this but it did –

“I think I will start seeing [muscle head].” She joked. It came to that.

I don’t think it’s appropriate to joke about that given how I’ve felt about her lately.”

She apologized but then said something to the extent of “we’re both still a little angry over this.”

I wondered what the h*ll she had to be angry about – she was the one who put all this into motion. I let it go. I did tell her about my drive-by which, she didn’t like at all. It turned out that she was staying at her new place that night (which, she never told me she was staying over there). Anyway, I give her that for being angry – if the tables were turned I wouldn’t want another woman driving by my house checking on me – however, if I caught her I would just wave gaily like “Yeah, I’m having a good time without you, b*tch!”

Anyway, sh*t where was I digress.  

That night she made it a point to say she wanted to call it an early night. Whatever. Don’t think I’m staying at your new apartment below your ex anytime soon. As we were unloading my truck the ex pulled up and got out with a box in her hand like she was moving out of her office. She had told Lee that day that she was probably going to be fired. (Ever since Lee left that job the company has imploded internally and I think it was because she was the only one that did any work over there.) She walked into the house without saying anything to either of us. I thought about upcoming drama. Despite the early night we still didn’t finish until 9.

Next day (Thursday), I didn’t hear anything from her except the typical daily “Good Morning” and “I’m at work now” texts. I asked her if everything was ok. She just replied yes that she was ok and that she was just trying to stay focused on herself and getting settled. I went with it and told her that I was going to stay the night in Alpharetta Friday evening and that she could come up if she wanted but that I knew she was busy and understood if she didn’t want to. She said she’d see how much she could get done that night and see.

That night I got home from work and we chatted a bit and it went ok. I had actually stopped off and worked on the final edits of my book and went to the grocery store. We chatted again while I was in the store. We hung up and agreed to talk later before I went to bed. So, later I texted her that I was going to bed soon and she called me back. She was supposed to find out if her ex could (walk down the stairs, open the door and) let the dog out (a total of three times) if she stayed with me in Alpharetta. The answer was no. I was pissed. Just the other day when we got there with her stuff we let her Labrador out. I said something to the extent that if ex wasn’t going to let her dog out that she had no business letting the ex’s out, either. Lee said she had only let the dog out that one day I wanted to say “See? You’re already ahead of her” but didn’t. She offered to come up for dinner and/or drinks and then go back and not stay. I replied, “I guess” but I couldn’t see the point. It would be late and I wouldn’t get to see much of her and then I’d have to get to bed so I could get up early.

The conversation took a dive after that. I mentioned that I understood that she had a lot of unpacking to do but that our relationship had reached a critical point and that it was important that we spend time together. (I know – I must have been high – me say that? I mean, she was the one who didn’t want to take the break and now she’s pushing me away.) She said she understood but if we were going to work out we were going to work out. I thought that was a lame answer and told her so. She then mentioned my match dot com membership. I guess she gotten the email showing the people she was matched up with and there I was[grining right back at her on the screen] – a 95% match. (Which, is really hilarious if you think about it)

“I opened my email from match this morning and there you were – a 95% match, too. Did you reactivate it?”

[I had to stop myself from guffawing.  So that’s why she was distant. Yes, I did but that’s not how I’m going to put it. I’m doing this to make a point and here goes:]

“Oh, I haven’t looked at it [not a lie – I hadn’t all day] maybe my profile got visible again [because I pushed the ‘visible’ button]. What does it matter anyway –you’re still on there.” Which is true – and, the fact that she said, “I opened my email from match…..

“I am not – I didn’t renew my membership.”

“Well, you’re still getting the  emails from them. Your profile must still be up, too.”

“I will have to check it.”

“Well, me too……………..I mean, you’re the one who wanted to make friends on there.”

“Yeah, but I met the people on there I wanted to meet and I’m done with that. I mean just tell me if you activated it because you were mad at me this past weekend”

[I’m not going to tell you that. I made a big enough mistake in telling you that I did a drive by which you’re still angry about and taking out on me.]

“What’s the big deal? I will check it out. You know, I just feel like you’re still angry with me for doing that drive by. I’m sorry I did that. If you’re still angry about that then tell me. Let’s talk about it.” Instead of being a little sh*t to me and trying to take things out on me.

“It’s fine. I’m not mad – I just have a lot of unpacking to do.”

“You have the rest of your life to unpack. (break, break, break…..) We have Savannah coming up and we need to get things straight before then or else this trip is not happening.” (break, break, break. Stupid, stupid, stupid………..)

“We have to go.” I questioned why she said that so forcefully. Was it because her and Ellen (who is going with us and staying that first weekend) have big plans for my birthday celebration down there or was it just because she hadn’t been there in awhile wanted to check on her house. I chose the later.

“You may have to go but not I.”

“Don’t be silly. We’re going and it’s going to be great. You’ll see. Everything is going to work out.”

We hung up and I went to bed with none of my usual goodnight texts. Right. Everything was going to be alright my @ss.

Today, I emailed her saying if it was too much then not to worry about coming up tonight that I didn’t want her to stress.

I got a reply of “I’ll think about it.” And “What time is class out?”

Ok, the “I’ll think about it” isn’t really conducive to our previous conversation – it sounded b*tchy angry and the “what time is class out”  – I’ve told her so many times when my Friday night classes get out it isn’t even funny.

I replied: “See, it feels like you’re angry with me. Forget about it. I get out of class when I get out. 9:30ish”.

I got a reply of: “I’m not mad at you. Let’s meet up afterward.”

I replied: “ok.”  I guess she didn’t have to think too long about it.

That was it. No more word since. I know she’s emailing and texting muscle head during the day. I won’t say that things weren’t a little f*cked up before she came to town but they have been way f*cked up since. I’m trying to hang in there and go through with this trip because I do think it can be good for us. If it works out it will really do us good and yes, despite all the b.s. I’ve been through with this girl I do love her. There are so many good things about her and us – I’m only sorry I don’t talk about it more on here but this place is my sounding board and a lot of times you’re only going to hear about the bad things I need to work out and write about.  

So, anyway – we’ll see.

Savannah or bust.

I will turn 44 regardless of my where-a-bouts but, I tell you this. If we don’t go down together then I’m riding out to Tybee by myself and ripping that $2 bill off the ceiling – on my birthday. (Sunday 31st)

To be continued……………………..

 

the 11th hour

Lee,

I guess you don’t get where I’m coming from and that’s very frustrating for me. I feel that you have been very defensive about Saturday. If you would have said (when it happened) “I know, I’m sorry – we did talk about this and I messed up.” then it probably wouldn’t have gone so far. Instead you were very defensive – even mean – and said things like me not wanting you to have any friends at all and that I dictate everything in your life – like your ex. Then, you went on to say that I hold you back from doing the things you want to do, etc. We had talked about Saturday, you made me feel terrible and then when I questioned you about it you turned all this stuff back on me like it was my fault. (and, also your second email back was very cold and I’m still not convinced that your ex didn’t write it)  And, finally your last line – you didn’t address anything I said in that paragraph about the things that have been bothering me. In fact, you haven’t really addressed my feelings at all. I don’t feel that I take my “space” to a new level. I spent two years of my life taking care of a woman and child. If I want my space now I’m going to take it. As for distancing myself from you – yes, I am because I’m still hurt and I’m not happy with us. I see no reason why we should get together. Do you think it’s just all going to magically go away if we have a face to face?

Lanie,

I will say this. Everything was written by me. Nothing from anyone else. It was cold because I was in defense mode. I do shut down a bit when I get in an uncomfortable situation and lash out.

I am sorry that we didn’t talk about Saturday beforehand. (we did, you just disregarded it)  I really wasn’t sure about all the plans but I should have said, yeah, we will probably go to dinner and chat for a while and you have a “no Lee” day. I didn’t, I need to realize I compromised the trust we have by my actions.

I was rushing a reply on the last paragraph because I had to hit the road so I wasn’t late. I know I shouldn’t attack you and hurt your feelings. I know you need your space since you put so much of yourself in your last relationship. You have every right to be selfish and demand the things you want for yourself and happiness. I get that.

We have found a great balance with that and I am truly sorry that I brought up all of those things about myself and the things I want to do or don’t get to do. I don’t want to lose you and I just need to appreciate all that you have done for me and how you have been there for me through good and bad. I have experience new things with you and it has been great. Fly fishing, motorcycle stuff, hole in the wall concerts which are great and so many other things. These are things I would have never done on my own. Thank you for showing me this and giving me these new experiences. You are a great person. Do I feel that we need to learn more about each other? Absolutely. I need to learn more about myself. This is a journey for me. I have no doubts that I want you in my life. Even for better or for worse. I know we have the smoking issue but I don’t ever want to have that determine whether or not to be with you. As for the statement you made about that, “if you can ignore all the great things we have for that one thing, maybe you are not worth keeping.” I haven’t let that statement go. It surprised me that you would say something like that. (I said it because you were attacking me for smoking and saying that you weren’t sure you could continue if I didn’t quit – again, that has nothing to do with this)

I want you to know that I will do better to consider your feelings more and not be so selfish. I will be selfish about myself and the journey I am taking to improve my living space and my animals. As for my ex stuff, there really isn’t any drama going on since I have been there the past few days. It’s actually working out well. I have stopped using the stairs within the home so the animals understand when I go out the back I am really leaving for the day. They are also so much happier and relaxed. Its great.

I know this is just scratching the surface but I hope that I addressed the concerns you have. I miss you but I’m not so dependant that I can’t live without you and need to see you everyday (yes you are) . I want us to work this out and I know that it isn’t just going to magically go back to what we had. I hope for the better. Maybe even make us stronger.

I hope you have a great day.

I love you,

Lee 

There you have it, blogland. Status Quo: A definite break is in order. Perhaps just friends. We’ll see. BUT – my match d*t com profile is back up. Maybe I can make some new friends.

relationship advice

This morning, my phone buzzed on the nightstand. I was sleeping in from a long weekend working and only getting about eight hours of sleep. I rolled over and looked at it.

“Good morning.” From Lee.

I wanted to chuck the phone out of the window at that point. Many replies were going through my mind – most being expletives that started with an F and ended with a U. I rolled over and went back to sleep after that. Later, when I was on my way to the coffee shop I received a –

“Have a great day at work.”

No amount of texting will get me to text her back today. I ignored all her texts the previous day as well until later that day I texted back “Did you get my email.” After that I didn’t get anymore. As you know Lee had plans with Muscle Head on Saturday. Thursday I had emailed her asking if she wanted to stay with me in Alpharetta after her movie and my class. The reply I got was this:

“Sounds great but I have to be at the tennis center around 930ish for my 10am match on Sunday. I might have to pass on that offer but I will definitely make it up to you.”

I replied something to the effect of was it just that or did they have plans after the movie?  I got this back:

“Probably. Well, not big plans but maybe dinner. I want to hang with my bud while she’s in town for a short time. I know you don’t trust her but she’s cool. I

promise. Are you okay with this? I really want to know. I care about you and I want you to be honest.”

So, she opened the door and here’s what I said:

“I’m not crazy about it but I’m not going to keep you from hanging out with your friends. I just wish you had friends who didn’t want to kiss you. I trust you

but I don’t trust them. That’s how I feel. If something does happen I would hope that you would tell me. And, I see nothing wrong in dinner as long as it doesn’t turn into a clubbing/late night thing – then, I think it turns into more of a date.”

I got back:

“I have had a discussion with her and she respects our relationship (you & me). I will be honest with you, if this was turned around, I would feel the same way. I totally understand where you are coming from. We do need to hang with our friends so we have balance and not make the same mistakes that we made in our last relationships. Up each others asses, etc. You know what I mean. Clubbing? Me? What? Are you on crack? ;-)”

Me:

“You know what I mean – you know where to set the limits. When it goes from being dinner with a friend to a ‘date’.

Friday evening I was at my favorite pub editing the book when she met me there. We had drinks and then went across the street to grab a pizza to take back to my house and watch a DVD. We talked again about her plans on Saturday with Muscle. By the end of the evening I felt better about it. I really did.

Saturday I got off work, rode the Triumph home and after pulling up into the carport and dismounting (instructor talk) I checked my phone. I hadn’t heard from Lee except before the movie. There was a text from Lee saying that she had left me a voicemail. I listened to the voicemail saying little details about the day (that I didn’t care about) and to call her – that she’d like to talk to me before bed. Well, right there I should have turned the phone off and went about my evening. Really, I could KICK myself for not doing that. Remember my saying in the last post that something was going to be wrong with my phone that day? Yeah. I should have taken my own advice. Instead, stupid me called back. Her and muscle head were heading for drinks. They had already had dinner at a pizza place down on Ponce. I thought, “Ok, not too intimate. I guess my talk helped and I really don’t have anything to worry about.” I asked her where they were going for a drink (only because Ellen I and I were going out for drinks and dinner and I didn’t want to run in to them) She named a taco place in midtown and I relaxed again. We hung up and I went about my evening.

After getting back from drinks and dinner with Ellen I texted Lee. (another mistake) “Hey, you up?” I figured she wouldn’t be because and early day of tennis the next day. No answer – but, even if the girl was asleep she would have rolled over and answered (remember this girl is in telecom and she has two phones glued to her at all times.) A bit later I texted again “Hey.” No answer. I then called and it went straight to voicemail. Hmm, she never turns her phone off. I called again and left a message of “Hey, tried to text you and now it seems your phone is off. Just seeing if everything is ok.” The next thing I did was an even bigger mistake. I got in the truck and drove by her house only to find that she wasn’t there. I saw red after that. As I was driving back to the house my phone buzzed and it was her. I answered with a cold “Hey.”

“Hey, my phone wasn’t off it was dead. (“Hmm, what about the other phone was it dead, too?”, I thought.

“Did you just get home?”

“No, I’ve been home for twenty minutes or so.”

That was a lie because I had just been by there. It was also a lie because I know if her phone was dead that she would plug it in immediately when she got home and not wait twenty minutes.

“So much for getting in early, huh?”

“What’s up – you sound mad.”

“Only that you said you couldn’t stay with me because you had to be up early and it’s – oh – twelve thirty right now.”

“Yeah, well [muscle head] and I got to talking and we met a friend of hers over at [gay men’s bar] but we just stood around in the parking lot talking. I shouldn’t have stayed out so late, I know.” 

“You crossed the line, Lee. It became a date.”

“No it didn’t, Lanie. We’re just friends. I have fun with her.”

“No, you did and I can’t talk to you right now I’m so angry. I may say something mean that I will regret so I’m hanging up now.”

I hit the end button as I heard Lee still talking.

I went to bed and slept a whole three hours before I had to be up to teach day two of a motorcycle class. I was still angry when I threw my leg over the Ducati the next morning. The wind in my face on 285 was refreshing and I punched it up to 90 mph. It was pure anger and adrenaline that kept me going the whole day. She kept texting me throughout the day but I never answered. She emailed that she wanted to see me that day like we planned and should she bring over steaks to grill. On my lunch break I emailed her this:

“No I don’t want to see you. You knew how I felt and still you ignored the boundary. It has nothing to do with the phone. It’s has to do with you staying out late but yet telling me that you had to be up early and not staying with me. I felt you lied to me about that. I’m sure [muscle head’s name spelled wrong on purpose] knew how I felt and if she were a good friend she would have helped you respect my boundaries. Esp if she wanted to keep hanging out with you. First, you sneak off to see her in that race and now you crossed the line last night with her. What am I supposed to think except that you have issues with boundaries and not setting them with her. So now I’m still supposed to ok with the two of you being friends? Perhaps we need to reevaluate – it makes me not trust you around her even more. Whether the two of u did anything or not it still went there despite me telling you how I felt. You let it happen. So you had no regards to my feelings here you just did it anyway.”

Much later I got back this:

“I really did want to see you tonight but I know now would not be a good time. I do think you need to really think about what you have said to me.

It sounds like you don’t trust me or respect me and want to control who I’m friends with. That hurts. As for sneaking…I told you a while back that I would probably go and you were fine about it. Either way you should trust me that I would surround myself with good and positive people.

[Muscle Head spelled correctly] is a nice person and respects us. We did nothing to harm what we have. Only you are hurting this relationship with these rules. I don’t do this to you. If you want to have a night out do I ever say the things you have said to me?

I care about you a lot and I love you but I cannot be in a relationship where you dictate. Like I said before, I came from a controlling relationship, I don’t want a repeat.

We may need to reevaluate our relationship because I want a balanced and equally respected partner. I really think this is you but that has come into question now. 

Let’s talk or meet up tomorrow or Tuesday. I have tennis practice tomorrow but really want us face to face to talk this through.

Have a good night.”

I picked up the phone and called her after that – I felt that she just wasn’t getting it. I calmly told her how I felt and where I was coming from. I still got back the “we’re just friends. We didn’t do anything to jeprodize us.” 

“Let me ask you a question.” 

“Ok, what?”

“If [Muscle] was living here would you be together?”

“No, probably not.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Probably because of things developing with us.”

That answer wasn’t good enough for me. I told her that I was going to bed and needed to hang up. She asked if we could get together either tomorrow night or Tues. I told her that I would see but I don’t want to see her. I am still so angry and hurt.

So, my dear bloggers. Am I being a jealous jerk or is there is something between these two?

 

prison break chex mix

I haven’t done anything so far this week except work, workout and go home and prop my feet up and watch Felicity. I have been such a slug. These daily workouts have been kicking my @ss. I’ve really tried to pour it on this week because I have my monthly weight and tape on Monday with the trainer at the gym. I’m not sure if it’s helping or not – I do feel a little sorer tighter these days but maybe it’s just my imagination. We’ll see.  

I think I’ve finally gotten Lee trained to not bug me during the week. Although, she’s been going over to the ex’s house and working on that new apartment every day. I know that is a distraction that’s keeping her busy and out of my hair. She will probably move in sometime next week. Saturday, she’s going out with Muscle Head. I’m not that worried but again, I’m not happy about it, either. I picked up an Alpharetta class this weekend so we could be staying at the hotel up there if she wasn’t out with her.  I don’t know – maybe if I asked her to come up there after her “movie date” it would cut things short with them. Also, if she declined then I would know that they had plans to go out afterwards. [Thinking out loud] Yes, I think that’s what I will do. (Ok, I emailed her and asked – I will let you know what I find out)

Honestly, sometimes I could really care less about being in a relationship. It’s a vicious cycle. When I’m not in one I want to be in one and when I am – not so much. What I really can’t stand is feeling like I have to check in with someone all the time. I also think talking to each other every day gets boring after awhile. We need time to miss each other. Because of that I’m really in the position to think “If things happen between her and Muscle then so be it – it wasn’t meant to be.” Not that I wouldn’t be upset about that [and it’s really going to f*ck up my birthday plans] but I’m just tired of trying to control fate. I just want to go with it for once and not worry about things. I have enough to worry about anyway. But, gee I really don’t want to break up with her before my birthday the end of this month.

Next topic: Sloan is in jail. Yep – on a small infraction but large enough to keep her there for at least two weeks. The kid is a mess. By Wednesday of this week when I still didn’t see her at work I went looking for her and found out from the girl she’d been seeing/not seeing [I will call her Casey] where she was. I’m not sure what this is doing for their relationship but I’m getting the impression that they both really miss each other. Just think – jail could save a relationship. When Casey was telling me about going over there to take her stuff all I could think about was that jail sex scene in The L word. [yes, I know some of you readers have no idea what I’m talking about but just go with it] Gosh, and the whole thing is making me want to watch Prison Break all over again. Felicity, step aside. Btw – if you haven’t seen it [Prison Break] it’s good. The first two seasons are the best and worth checking out.

I never thought I’d say this but I’m ready for September to get here. I’m really over 90 degree anything. It’s been in the 90’s since the end of May and I’ve had enough of the weather. I really don’t mind the rain now – at least we’re not in a draught – but, no more 90’s please!

No one is playing 9 ball next season so that’s good. I only wish we were done with it NOW (yeah, I have the patience of a 3 year old sometimes). I friend of mine is joining the team next season. (In, sigh – September- please get here….) I have pool tonight which I’m looking forward to despite my girl Edith being out of town for the next month. Too bad Sloan can’t come tonight – bet she thinks that was a MUCH better night than she originally thought. 😉

I will leave you with this:

Felicity saved my life

2001 was filled with great loss. I had lost my Mom to cancer the end of ’99 and by the time ’01 rolled around my girlfriend had left and moved to California and one of the guys I worked with who was also a friend had committed suicide. I also had a pretty terrible job at the time, too. I’m not sure if it was just the job itself or if it was because the moment I started there my Mom got sick and died and the house of cards as they call it – collapsed. I think it must have been a little bit of both. It was a very dark period of my life, regardless. That was when I started writing my book. I didn’t’ really know what I was doing. I had never taken a writing class (still haven’t) and didn’t realize I was even writing a book. I was just making up a story based on some parts of my life and it kept on. Years later it became a book that had transformed into an entirely different storyline than what I had originally intended.  I think starting that book and Felicity got me through one of the hardest years of my life. Because of that I was able to tune out the pain, dull it somewhat with immersing myself into the storyline of the characters.

Every day when I got home from work, I turned on the TV and Felicity would be on. Something about the way the characters always spoke in low voices – almost whispers, was soothing to me. I would open up my laptop and naturally start to write. I did this almost every day after work that year. Sometimes when it was raining outside (since my job required me to be outside) I would skip out of work, go home and write. Later on when they stopped showing reruns of Felicity I bought the DVD’s and wrote whenever I wanted. I had since sold them on Ebay.

Recently, I’ve wanted to start another book – perhaps a sequel to the first one. (Probably so but we shall see after I start writing) I realized that I didn’t have my Felicity DVD’s. I’ve been told that every writer has their little nuances about getting in the mood to write. I’ve read some listen to music, go for a walk to get ideas and, like me, have certain shows or movies playing on the TV while they are writing. Rain also makes my fingers itch to write. So, I got on Amazon and ordered the series again. (I’m not sure what I paid the first time around but this past time it was much cheaper) Yesterday, I pulled Season 1 out of the mailbox and that made my decision on what I was going to do that night.

I hit the play button and was met with the familiar music and images and automatically started to write. Here we go……

more chex mix

For the most part I had a pretty good weekend. Friday, Lee came over for dinner and we drove around town exploring some graffiti. This is something we like to do together and she’s been wanting to photograph me with the bikes with that as a backdrop. We found some great graffiti in Cabbage and Reynolds town. Afterwards, we checked out a new pub (for us) which is turning out to be a fast favorite of mine.  

This past weekend I taught a class – probably not one of my sharpest classes, either. Every one of them had problems comprehending the exercises and we kept having to give them the directions over and over again. It was almost like a class of three year olds. “But why?” My fuse was pretty short by the end of the day on Sunday (fortunately I’m able to hide it well). I had no more pulled up at the house in the truck when Lee called wanting to know what we were doing that night. (It was our 7 month anniversary – yes, it’s cheesy counting the months but I don’t care – especially, since it seems lately that a month more seems lucky) I suggested the new pub. So, we went there. We had a great evening together. Over the weekend she had trimmed all my shrubs in the front and back of the house, did the laundry, mopped the kitchen floor, straightened up my utility room and cleaned out the cat’s litter box. All really great stuff – and, I never even asked her to do any of it. I wonder if she feels guilty about something. Well, she may –

-remember Muscle Head from Florida? Well, she’s going to be in town visiting on Saturday and Lee is going to spend the day with her and her nephews. Apparently, she comes in to town for their birthdays and she’s taking them to the new Harry Potter movie and Lee is going with them. But, after they go do a CrossFit together in my neighborhood.

“Seriously? You’re going with [muscle head name] and her nephews to see Harry Potter?”

“Yes. After the crossfit thing we’re going to have lunch and then go.”

“But, you don’t even like kids.”

“Yes, I do. I mean, they’re ok.”

“Uh-huh. You just want to see [muscle head] and Harry Potter.”

“Well, yeah -[backtracking] I mean, we are friends.”

“Her girlfriend broke up with her, right?”

“Right.”

I laughed then and said, “Right after you showed up to watch her in the Warrior Dash.”

“Right.”

I clapped my hands and said, “That’s so funny!”

Lee tried to push me off the bed just then. “It’s no big deal. We’re just friends. Are you worried?”

“No. Are you kidding?” I’m not worried but I don’t trust muscle head not to try something. At least she’ll be less likely to in front of the kids. “When is this? Friday? Saturday?”

“Saturday. Maybe we can get together after.”

“Oh no. [shaking head] You’re going to see [muscle head] then I have a ‘buy’ Saturday night.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“It means that I get to do whatever I want to that night.”

“You mean go out with another woman?”

[Smiling, nodding head] “Maybe.” Lee tried to push me off the bed again.

“Fine. Go out with your friend [name of friend Lee is jealous whenever I do something with], then.”

“I think I may do just that.” [Still smiling]. Honestly since I work that weekend I can really see myself coming home from work, eating dinner and calling it an early night. But, we’ll see. I think the Women’s World Cup is going to be on and I could also see myself stationed at one of my favorites watching it. But, Lee doesn’t have to know all that 😉 In fact, I think I’m going to be very hard to reach that day. Something may be wrong with my phone. Or, I could have dropped it in a puddle while teaching in the rain that day. All kinds of things come to mind…..

Last Thursday Sloan did follow me home from work and go to pool with me. She ended up having a good time – until the girl she was seeing/not seeing [who knows] showed up. Then, it was adolescent drama and a catfight the rest of the night. Fortunately, I was too consumed with my 9 ball make-ups to get involved. I had forgotten all about how twenty-something’s can be such drama queens. At 11:30 I pulled the truck around in front of the girl’s car and waited while Sloan finished her argument [which, was still going] and got in. We got back to my house and she wanted to go home. She seemed sober enough by then so I let her go only making her promise to text me when she got home safely. It turned out that she went straight over to the girls house and spent the night with her. So dysfunctional. Not sure she will get another invite from me to hang out and crash at my house. I mean, the whole point of the evening was for her to hang out and meet new people, make new friends. NOT to argue with the girl she’s seeing/not seeing all night. It makes me tired just thinking about it.

“Why is the futon made up in the middle bedroom?” Lee texted me on Saturday.

“Because I want to save that cover – it was very expensive.”

She did know that Sloan “met” me out at pool the other night but I conveniently left out all the other details because I just didn’t want to answer any questions about it. Which, makes me wonder if she left out any details about this coming Saturday with Muscle Head. Like, what are they going to do after they drop the kids off?

What do you think?

chex mix

I just have a bunch of random stuff that I thought I would write about. So, here goes:

  • I worked Lee’s butt off this past weekend painting my house. That and other things (that she’s very talented in) redeemed her. We had a pretty good weekend together kicking it off by seeing this band at Masquerade on Thursday night. I had tickets to this show for months and was stoked. Earlier that night we caught their acoustic set at a record store before scooting over to the show venue to see them plugged in. They were excellent!
  • Friday evening we went to this author’s book signing. A friend of mine knows her so we got personal introductions. She’s a very nice lady!  I bought her latest book which she signed. I also reached out and asked her advice on publishing, agents, etc. and she told me to buy the latest writers guide and scan it from cover to cover. Speaking of which, does anyone have any advice on whether or not I should buy the 2010 or the 2011 version of the Writer’s Market? I had read that the 2011 version was a disappointment because it was no longer indexed by types of books per publisher (ie: romantic fiction, suspense, children’s books, etc) but is just a general index so you have to search every publisher to see what types of books they publish.
  • Saturday and Sunday Lee and I painted all day. By Monday I was ready for a day off and to go play. That morning Ellen came over for breakfast. I made omelets and bloody Mary’s for all of us. We walked up to the main drag of my neighborhood and watched the parade go by. Afterwards, we dyed Lee’s hair – much to her chagrin but, hey, she had been complaining about showing grey. Later that evening we went to a party on the lake and to watch the fireworks. We ended up getting drenched before it was over.
  • I so didn’t want to go back to work on Tuesday. I felt like I really didn’t have a weekend off working on the house. But, my goal is to have it completed by my birthday at the end of the month. Which, is when Lee and I will be going to her house in Savannah for almost a whole week. Last weekend when we were hanging with Ellen she invited her there for the weekend we get there. It should be fun! We’re planning a low-country boil and to go to my favorite pizza place on Tybee – which I am hoping to get in several runs there.
  • I am over pool these days. Especially, nine ball. I almost want to quit but I think I will compromise and just quit nine and stay with eight which I like a lot better. I guess I am getting bored with it. I really need to spend more time working on query letters for my book and trying to find an agent. (and, no – please don’t ask me about self-publishing) Hopefully, I can spend a lot of the time on vacation at the end of the month finishing the manuscript edits and working on the query letters.  To me that is not work. Writing is always like being on vacation.
  • I’ve started a new workout routine and it’s kicking my @ss. Last week was the first week that I worked out Monday – Friday. I pretty much blew everything over the weekend with eating and drinking. Some people say their cravings or weaknesses are bread, or pizza or sweets. Mine is beer. Always.  I have switched to drinking Mich Ultra if I have to have a drink. It’s taken some getting used to as I am a 420 fan all the way. Although, I hear that Becks Light has only 60 calories. I am going to do some beer/calorie research.
  • These flash afternoon rainstorms are starting to become a drag. I drove in to work yesterday because I was afraid that it would be pouring at rush hour. Which, it didn’t pour until six last night. Today I thought, “Rain be damned.” And pulled on my riding clothes and grabbed my helmet. The commute is so much more interesting on a bike than in the truck. I never thought I would be one of those people who rode in to work every day but it’s proving otherwise.
  • Speaking of riding, my buddy K placed 13th in his 11-day iron butt rally. (out of 85 people who started and 73 who finished – with 3 crashing – one of those 3 almost fatal [which, for doing 140 mph across the dessert and crashing it’s a wonder they are still alive]) He said it’s his last rally and that he’s happy with it. I am relieved.
  • Despite Sloan getting it 11 times she got dumped. She may come with me to pool tomorrow night and spend the night. I know that sounds weird but nothing is going to happen between us and I’m just trying to get the girl out. She doesn’t feel safe driving there by herself from her place in Marietta and then back after drinking so I offered my spare room. I don’t think I’m going to tell Lee, though. I mean, nothing’s going to happen, it’s my house I can do whatever I want and I don’t want her to get all wigged out about it. (and, no I’m doing this to get back at her for moving back in with the ex – don’t you love how I answer your questions even before you ask them? 😉
  • Speaking of moving in with the ex Lee has started to move stuff over there this week. I have decided that I am not going to worry about this. Honestly, the girl needs something to do during the week to leave me alone. I have just realized that she used to play tennis two evenings a week and that now she’s only playing on Sundays – why previously she wasn’t hanging off my jock to do things during the week. I think the next time she mentions joining another league I’m going to encourage that. After being together all weekend I relished last night hanging at the house by myself – and, I will tonight and tomorrow, too. Sigh- I don’t think I can ever live with anyone again. I like living alone too much.