The saga continues……….
I went over to Lee’s new digs last night for dinner. I had so much stuff to get done that night and before the trip that I was feeling overwhelmed. I was sitting on the bed folding clothes and watching Felicity when she called. I really didn’t want to go over there. I was tired and it was the first moment of the day I had been able to sit down and relax even if I was folding clothes. While we talked, I threw clean clothes that I wanted to pack into the laundry basket. I didn’t even count the underwear – just threw a bunch in. Running clothes, socks, shirts, check. The only reason I hadn’t cancelled was because she had already thawed some expensive steaks and I wanted to see if I could get any further in figuring out things between us before this trip. I told her I’d head that way, hung up and sighed. I threw on a t-shirt and grabbed my backpack in case I was allowed to stay that night.
I pulled up in front of the house where Lee’s car was parked. The ex wasn’t home from work yet. I pulled the emergency brake and got out walking up the driveway, through the gate and around the side to the door of her basement apartment. I knocked and she opened the door. I went inside and we hugged until she broke away and took the steaks out of the refrigerator and showed them to me.
“These look good, huh?”
I agreed. I was still wondering why I hadn’t gotten a kiss yet. We grilled the steaks, baked the potatoes in her microwave and steamed the edamame on her small range top and sat down and watched early episodes of The Profiler. Later, I fell asleep on the futon curled up next to her.
I got up and stretched. “Do you want me to stay or should I go home?” This was kind of a test since I hadn’t brought my bag in.
“Well, did you bring your things for work tomorrow?”
“Yes, my bag is out in the car.”
“Well, ok as long as you want to.”
I didn’t really feel like driving home after being asleep so I ended up staying. We got ready for bed and both laid down facing each other. I saw her close her eyes. I again wondered why I hadn’t gotten a goodnight kiss. She opened her eyes and saw me looking at her and said, “What?”
“You know what.”
“This weirdness between us. That’s what. And you didn’t even give me a goodnight kiss.”
As if to cure everything she gave me a kiss just then. “There.”
“That’s not it. Are we going to talk about the elephant in the room or pretend it’s not there?”
“Elephant? What?” I sometimes forget that Lee doesn’t get some of the metaphorical idiom’s I use in conversation.
“This thing we have had between us since she was in town.”
“There is nothing going on between us. I told you that.”
“Whether there is or not you may still want to be with her.”
“I don’t. Maybe I just don’t want to be with anyone right now. I’m just going through a lot of change right now. Moving…..” She trailed off. There wasn’t anything but moving that I knew of that she was going through.
“Nothing else. I mean –“ and she started to cry. She sobbed “Maybe it’s me who is unstable. I’m just so scared right now.”
I hugged her and said, “Scared of what?” I almost expected her to say then “-of losing you.” But instead what she said mystified me.
“Of being alone.” Ok, you just said maybe you should be alone and now you’re saying you’re scared of it. WTF?
“But, you’re not alone. I’m right here in front of you and I’m not leaving unless you want me to – that’s what I’m trying to figure out – if you want me to.”
“I think we started dating too soon after my 9 year relationship. I think I should have learned to be alone for awhile. Maybe I should have dated more.” Talk about being all over the place….
I pulled away and said, “Here we go with the dating around thing again. Look. You’ve wanted this dating around thing since we met. You dated around and I didn’t. If you want that again just say so and I will leave.”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure.” That seemed to be apparent.
“Well, don’t stay with me just because we have this thing coming up. I mean, we don’t have to go to Savannah. I mean, you can go and I will stay home. Don’t stay with me just because it’s my birthday and we have this planned. I can do something else.” [Thinking: D@mn right, I could pack up one of the motorcycles and ride to Tybee and camp all week. Lee be damned it wouldn’t stop me from going.]
“No, I don’t want to break up and I don’t want to lose you. Even if we did break up I would still want to see you.” Meaning I would want my cake and eat it, too.
Somehow we got through it all and laid back down to go to sleep. I felt somewhat better about it (only in the fact that I was finally almost sure that her and that woman hadn’t had an affair on me while she was here) but I still had my reservations. I thought, “Well, if it doesn’t get back to the way things were during Savannah it’s going to be the same situation as I’ve had with several of my gf’s of the past which is –
-I am so breaking up with your @ss when we get home.”
I don’t know what it is. I really don’t think Lee wants to see anyone else. Unless she’s been lying to me and wants to be with Muscle Head. I’ve given her so many outs on that. Could it be that she is confused or wants to be by herself? But, Lee isn’t really the type to be alone. She always has to have someone. I even brought up that we’ve given each other a lot of space during the week. I don’t really think it’s that she wants to be alone. I really don’t think that she wants to date a lot of people, either. Unless she just has a hard time committing to someone -me. Maybe she’s always going to think the grass is greener. Or maybe she wants to be with someone who she can constantly be up their @ss and she knows she’s not going to get that with me. Or that she doesn’t want to be with a smoker – oh, wait – it’s been last Saturday since I smoked. She can’t use that excuse anymore. Either way –
[For you, Sarah] to be continued…….and, don’t think that I’m not taking my laptop to the island and keeping you updated while I’m there.