dog + toads

I thought I would include some pictures of Sadie since I didn’t in the last few posts. Today is my Friday as I am off tomorrow for the conference. I am stoked that I get to sleep in just a little. (I mean, anything after 5 a.m. is a little).

Last night I took Sadie out to my favorite joint to meet a friend who hadn’t seen her yet. We sat out on the patio and talked while watching our pathetic baseball team lose the wild card. There was a couple who walked by to pet Sadie and we all got into a conversation. The couple was very young (I almost shuttered when they told me their age) and very enthusiastic and nice. I ended up joining them when my friend left and the three of us sat at the table for quite some time before I decided to head home. Sadie had been curled up in a little ball asleep for the past hour. She was worn out as another lab mix had come by to play with her earlier.

She’s been a pretty good dog and it just kills me to leave everyday to go to work. (another reason I am stoked about being off tomorrow although, she will still have to be in her kennel while I’m at the conference). I so don’t want to be at work today. I am tired from my workout yesterday with the trainer and staying up too late. These early mornings kill me when I don’t feel like I get enough sleep.

One of my toads (friend who shares same tattoo as I) just got out of the hospital. I thought it was unusual that I hadn’t heard back from my puppy pic texts and voicemail. I know she travels quite a bit for work so I just figured that she was out of town. This morning I had a feeling that something was up. This friend of mine has some very high, highs and some very low, lows. Sometimes the lows are so bad that she won’t communicate for a while. I sent her another text this morning and finally got a call back. She sounded awful. She told me that she had to tell me something.  I was worried that one of her folks had died. But, it turned out that she almost did by overdosing on some medication. I asked her if it were on accident or on purpose. She hesitated before saying it was an accident. I still wonder if it wasn’t the later. I really can’t wrap my head around if she would have died. She took the medication Saturday (the 17th of Sept) night to sleep and was out cold on the floor until Sunday afternoon when her parents found her. If they hadn’t come looking for her at her condo she probably would have died. She laid on the floor for 10 hours without moving. She said she tore her rotator cuff when she fell and that her muscles suffered severe damage because she didn’t move for so long. That some chemical is released and starts breaking down the muscle and that her liver almost shut down. Like I said, I’m wondering about if it were an accident or not. Again, I don’t know if I’m able to wrap my head around her almost dying and what I would have done. Despite us not being as close as we used to be she still is like family to me. We went to Pensacola so many times together, even recently, and experienced so many things. We rode motorcycles together and rode through a snowstorm up a mountain together. We were nearly kidnapped and eaten by cannibals. We swam with dolphins. All these things were flashing through my head when she told me about this happening. I don’t know what I would have done. I thought she was in such a good place in her life but accident or no it’s still not good.

I remember when she was seeing one of the other toads (she is part of our original four), Stephanie. Stephanie always hated how Alex took all kinds of medication. For depression, to sleep, etc. Her weight fluxuated, too. They were always getting in to fights because one minute Alex wanted to work out all the time (which, was fine with Stephanie as she is a trainer) but then wouldn’t want to do anything. They would have plans to go somewhere and Alex would forget them or blow her off. To this day Stephanie still does this. I try to make plans with her and something always comes up. I don’t get angry about it anymore. I’ve just come to the realization that she will be “lightly” in my life through phone calls and texts and then the occasional trip to Pensacola.

Thinking of all this I realize that I am very angry with Stephanie. She could never get over Alex dumping her or her flightiness. To this day she refuses to have anything to do with me or Alex. Alex has apologized and reached out to her several times to no avail. Stephanie lives in her own world of rich, fast people who like to drink – a lot. To the point where I think she’s an alcoholic. Then, I think I have to call her an alcoholic to forgive her never calling me back or making plans with me after I’ve asked so many times. She hangs out with her ex of 12 years named Adelle and her [mean, butch] girlfriend, Casey. I think “What the hell do they have that she wants to hang with them all the time? They don’t have the tattoo.” I admit that losing this friendship has hurt a lot but I know that I have to let her go. There are plenty of friends who appreciate my company and attention. F-her. Let her go, Lanie, even if she is a toad.

Then, there’s Dina the fourth toad. Dina won’t speak to any of us. She’s cut us all out of her life. Last year I emailed and texted her and asked her if she wanted to go have a drink and when I got no reply I texted her and asked if she got the text and she said she did and the answer was no. The only thing I’d ever did to this woman was have a crush on her and let her know. It freaked her out and she ran. So, I basically lost a very close friendship because of that and that one hurt, too.  But, like Stephanie – F-her. (and, I don’t have a crush anymore, believe me.)

The fifth toad is the only male of the group – this is “K” my motorcycle buddy, mentor and friend. We are very close although sometimes he infuriates me – which, has been recently – but, it’s ok. This friendship is here to stay. I will see him this weekend, in fact, as his wife is one of the authors that’s going to be at the conference.

Recently, Ronnie requested to become a toad and get the tattoo. I hesitate. Ronnie is a good friend. I want to keep it that way. Alex always said that when we all became toads (us original 4) and got tattooed that it cursed us. In fact, Alex always talked about getting hers lazered off. Still does.

“That’s why we’re still not all together”, she said. “those tattoos cursed us.”

Part of me laughs this off. “Right, we’re cursed. No, it’s because Stephanie is a drunk and Dina is a bitch – not that we’re cursed.” Whatever.”

 But, the other part of me wonders if it is true. I don’t want to lose another toad – to suicide or a tattoo.

random thoughts

Here are just random thoughts:

Despite being so busy I feel restless lately.

Two of my friends I’m worried about. I won’t say who and why. One knows who she is  but the other probably has no idea. Both are in a bliss of honeymoon, love, newness, whatever that is when it comes to lesbian relationships. If they were men I would say they would be thinking with their d*cks. But, that sounds a little harsh and I know we all make mistakes and learn from them. I know it’s best to stand back and pick each other up when we fall – because it happens. I think it all comes down to moving so darn fast. I admit I did it with Lee but look at me – I regret it. I will just hope for the best and prepare for the worst which is all I can do.

My writer’s conference starts tomorrow and I haven’t even prepared an elevator pitch. I’m not too stressed about it as I have until Friday a.m. to prepare one and I have a pitch workshop to work on it. I hope to be able to get in to my interview suits for the two pitches. I want to look professional. Maybe I should try those on tonight. I really don’t want to get my hopes up on this and look at it from an experience standpoint only.

Sunday I think I will take Sadie to the dog park. I want to hang out and watch some football later. Remember Slimy? She asked me to some festival that day and to go watch football across the street at – guess where – her favorite slimy place. I declined but said that I may break away later that afternoon to watch the Falcons game and if so I’d shoot her a text. I do just want to hang out and be friends with her and want to give that a chance but I think I will change the venue this time and she will have to be ok with that if she wants to hang. If not then I will catch her later.

I severely missed Key West this morning when I got out of bed. I woke up to the song Styx “Come sail away”. I looked for jobs in Key West today to no avail. Why are all the cool jobs in not cool places?

things I regret, things I don’t

I don’t regret getting a dog. I love coming home to a bouncing animal and going on walks. I love the doggie kisses and the puppy smell (although, that is short lived). Now I need to prove the “chick magnet” theory and get out there with her. We may try to go to the dog park this weekend in between sessions with the writing conference I am attending.

I regret even getting mixed up with Lee. When she said that she still lived with her “ex” of 9 years I should have just said, “Give me a call in a few years when you move on.” and left it at that and/or just been friends but I think friendship was never possible with Lee even though she constantly touted it throughout our relationship. If the other night wasn’t proof that we cannot be friends then I don’t know what is. I admit that I am a little mad at myself of allowing it to go on for so long. She kept asking me if the 8 months we were together was wasted and after thinking about it – yes, it was. I could have been doing someonething else.  Yeah, I regret the last two girlfriends. I want a girlfriend that I don’t want to look back on and regret.

I don’t regret (now thinking back) my time of unemployment. That time gave me some real insight on what I was worth, what I could do and about myself. It gave me an  appreciation for what I have and having a job now. (although, I must admit that I am getting a bit antsy and wanting to see what else is out there). I also finished my book during that time. That time showed me who my real friends are and who wasn’t. It was a make or break time and I made it.

I regret that I traded in my BMW convertible that was paid for -for another BMW that I had to make car payments on -one that ended up being repossessed when I was unemployed. I wasn’t too unhappy to see that thing go as my ex drove it more than I did to all her doctor’s appointments. I ended up not being able to stand that car.

I don’t regret replacing that awful car with a Triumph Bonneville.

I do regret that I have no one to ride on the back of it with me…….right now.

I don’t regret taking that job in the private sector that laid me off. It helped me gain the experience I have to get the job I have now which I will use to get an even better job.

I wouldn’t regret moving to Key West or some coastal region of Florida. I want to be near water.

I possibly may regret a move to Colorado. I haven’t heard anything on that but I’m not holding my breath. I really cannot see myself in all that snow -unless it were the right amount of $ and it would be (I asked) or else I wouldn’t have even sent my resume.

I don’t regret any of my tattoos. I want more but –

-I may regret those. I like that I can hide them when I want. I always want to have a professional appearance so the star on my wrist will just have to be a fantasy.

chex mix monday

I cannot believe it is Monday already. Last week and weekend flew by. I had something going on every night. Friday Ellen had a party for Creed (“Sheila” is being changed to “Creed” as she doesn’t like that name) and we all ended up going out to the Clermont Lounge afterwards. The place was packed and I hadn’t been on a Saturday for quite some time. Saturday I went over to Ellen’s in the afternoon and ended up going out at dinner with her, Creed and Nancy (Yes, Susan’s Nancy). We had a wonderful meal of tapa’s and then went to watch the firework show they were having that night.

By Sunday I just wanted to be low key. Sadie and I got up around 8:30 and then went for a walk. It was crowded at the lake that time. Some little girl wanted to pet her and pulled her tail. Another dog came up and wanted to eat her. I liked our deserted 5 a.m. walks better. Later, we dropped off Creed at the airport – who I was really sorry to see go and then went down to the motorcycle site in south DeKalb to do a few things. Once we got back I ate dinner and then ran out to the pizza place up the street to send off a few emails, have a beer and watch some of the Falcons game.

The only thing I have heard from Lee since the concert on Wednesday was some cheesy email she sent addressed to Sadie. It said something to the effect of “Please send me pictures of yourself and I will miss you.” I thought until Sadie learned how to email and attach pictures of herself then Lee would not be getting a reply from her (maybe we have to wait for the opposable thumbs to grow a bit more?) and deleted it. What a freak. I also deleted all her pictures off of my phone and hid the spare key in a new place she wouldn’t find it. Not that I really think she’d come to my house but one can never be too careful when it comes to crazy. Neither Ellen nor I heard from her the entire weekend and I think we were both relieved. Maybe she’s found her next victim to harass.

Thursday starts the writer’s conference I signed up for. Not only am I pitching my book to one agent but two. I am pretty stoked about that -although I have to write a pitch first.  Other than all that that’s all I got so far. I will leave you with more Sadie pictures. Have a good week!

 

Goodbye Lee

“Come here. Let’s say goodbye properly.”
“No, I’m leaving, I’m done. Thanks for the ticket.”

That was how it ended.

After the comment about the tickets we said goodbye to Ellen, Sheila and Sadie. Once at my truck I asked if we could take her car as I was almost out of gas.

“If you drive.”

Why do I always have to F-ing drive? I thought. I knew it was because Lee didn’t know he way around but, hell, she’s lived here as long as I have. Learn it.

As I backed her monster car out of the parking space she said “Do you think we’re going to get back together?”

It didn’t take her long to cut to the chase. “No, but you do.”

“I thought we talked about getting back together.”
“Lee we never talked about that. We talked about being friends and dating other people.”
“Well, I don’t want to date other people. I mean, I’m not dating anyone right now are you?”
I wasn’t falling for that. It was none of her business and I was sick to death of the topic.
“Maybe you should because I don’t see us getting back together.”
“You are seeing someone, arn’t you?”
I wanted to say, what’s it to you?
“Can’t you be thankful we’re at least speaking? That we’ve had a good time the past couple of times we’ve done stuff together?”
“I just thought we were eventually going to get back together.”
“There was no promises of that and I don’t see that happening.”
Lee started crying. I was exasperated.
“Why are you crying?”
“Because I just wanted us to get back together so bad.” she wailed.

“She is so self involved” I thought. “F what Lanie wants always.” But, right then all I wanted to do was get to the show and have a beer. My phone vibrated. It was my work colleague calling me back. I picked up and ha a short conversation and hung up after promising to forward on my resume.

“What was that about?”
“That was Jeremy calling me back.”
“What does he want?
I almost said ‘None of your F-ing business’ but instead “He wants me to talk to a guy in Colorado about a job.”
“Colorado?! You didn’t tell me your were moving to Colorado. How are we going to vet back together if you move there?

The girl really had lost her mind.

“I’m just going to talk to the guy. Nothing’s definite.” I shouted.
“But- ”
I had parked the car and had had enough. I cut her off with “Come on. Let’s go. I’m done talking about this.” I got out of the car and darted walking towards the venue. Once inside I mad a beeline for the beer tent.
“What do you want?”
“A Blue Moon.”
I handed over cash and Lee a debit card. The man shook his head. “We don’t take plastic. There’s a bank machine over there.” He said pointing down the hill. I slapped some more cash on the table taking care of her beer too.
“I will pay you back”
“The proper response is ‘Thank you’ not you got the tickets.”
“I was just joking.”
“No one’s laughing here.”
I headed off through the crowd moving towards the stage. There were throngs of people and I was getting claustrophobic. It was hot outside and I hated being large crowds. More annoyingly Lee had put her hand on the back of my neck specifically on the hair pressing it onto my neck. I knew I should have put it into a ponytail for the night. I moved her hand away and said, “Could you not do that?”
“Why-”
“I’m sweating enough already.”
She reached over and touched me yet again. “You’re shirt is soaked.”
I wanted to scream “Stop F-ing touching me”
I stepped away from her and pulled my hair up off my neck.
“Well, you’re the one who wanted to grow her hair out.”
“Yeah, it’s my fault.” I said sarcastically. I wanted to leave. I took out my phone and texted Ellen that I may need a ride.
“I didn’t mean that.”
“You never do but you say those things anyway.”
Fortunately, at that moment the band came on. They were good but I’m not sure they were worth all the drama went through to get there.

After the show we walked back tothe car and Lee asked me again if I wanted to drive.
“Nope.”
We got in and pulled out of the spot getting in line to leave the venue. She started in again about getting back together, Colorado, etc.
“Lee, I’m done talking about this and if you continue then I swear I’m going to get out of this car and walk.”

She drove in silence crying. At that moment I hated her. She had ruined the entire night and probably even a friendship because I didn’t want to lay eyes on her for a very long time after this. Just then she reached over to touch my arm and I pushed her away and said, “Don’t touch me.”

I could not wait to get out of that car. A scene from Vanilla Sky ran through my head. I fully pictured her flooring the car and running us into a brick wall. “Slow down. This is a residential neighborhood.”

Lee started rapidly changing the channels on the radio. She flipped through each twice before leaving it on a really awful song that I can’t remember what is was now. I wish I did. I was starting to be afraid. We stopped at a light and I moved to the door thinking I would jump out and run away but just when I touched the handle the light turned green and Lee floored it.
“This is my fault.” she sobbed.
She really was going to kill us. My heart was pounding through my chest. Just then a police cruiser went by and she slowed down. We finally pulled up to my truck and I said “Yes, it is.”
“Come here.” she said holding out her arms.”Let’s say goodbye properly.”
I thought ‘Not on your life,crazy’

I quickly got out of the car and into my truck and locked the doors. I was safe. I dropped it into reverse and got out of there. Once home I locked the doors and turned my phone off after calling Ellen to tell her I made it home ok.

No more Lee.

I will end with a pic of Sadie. Have a great weekend!

20110923-024953.jpg

Posted in Lee.

Red flags and alarms

I know you all have been waiting to see more pictures of Sadie so I will close this post with a few. She’s been really great. We’ve been taking long walks in the morning before I go to work and in the afternoons when I come home. For the most part she’s been really easy – much easier than I originally thought a puppy would be. I always figured that I would be the one who would pick out a nightmare of a dog but thankfully I didn’t.

Monday night she and I went to a pub around the corner that allows dogs on their patio. She was really good and the server stopped several times to pet her. The next night Lee called while Sadie and I were doing our walk. Like I said in the previous post we’ve been talking and hanging out and it had been going well until last night but I will get to that.

“What’s up?”

“Sadie and I are walking around the lake and then I think we’re going to go over to the pub”

“I want to go. Can I bring my pooch and go with you?”

I thought this was unusual because just the other day Lee had told me that she didn’t want her dog around mine until she got her next round of shots but that’s Lee for you – saying one thing and doing another. So, she came over and we took the dogs out and shared nachos. It was fun and the dogs got along although Lee’s Shih Tzo wouldn’t have anything to do with Sadie. Later, after pulling up to the house she leaned over an kissed me before I got out of the car.

“I’m looking forward to tomorrow night.”

“Me too.” I said getting out of the car. I wasn’t really but I just wanted to get out of there. I had been explicit with Lee about us just being friends and dating other people.

“I must not have been clear enough” I thought, “because she kissed me and….I didn’t feel anything.”

The next evening we were to go to a concert. We had seen this particular band before and she wanted to go see them again.

“I will buy tickets and you can take someone else.”

That should have been my first red flag. I said we’d go together and just because I got tickets before didn’t mean that she owed me a concert.

“I know. But, we went before and I wanted us to see them again together.”

Second red flag.

That night the plan was that she would meet me at my house and we would go get something to eat before the show. I had said that because I was in a class this week that I wouldn’t be home until 7 that night and despite the show starting at 7 I really doubted they would be on that early. The last show they had 3 warm up bands and didn’t go on until almost 10 (which, turned out to be the case again last night). That afternoon around 4:30 I was saturated. (I’ve been in a PMP bootcamp that is 10 hours a day and it’s hell) I walked out of class. I couldn’t listen to anymore discussion about critical chain method, schedule network analysis, and activity duration estimates. My brain was fried. I headed towards my favorite joint to have a beer and texted Ellen to join me. She had just picked up both my dog and her friend who is visiting for the weekend from the airport. We met out and the minute we got settled Sadie was swarmed with every child on the patio petting her. My dog likes kids and is very gentle with them. I love that about her.

“She’s going to spend the night tonight and play with Jax.” (who is Ellen’s Border Collie)

“Fine with me. I’d rather she be with you girls and playing with Jax than cooped up in a crate while I’m at the concert.”

Just then my phone vibrated with a text from Lee. “What time should I get to your house?”

We’d been over this but since I texted her I left the class early I knew she just assumed that we would get together earlier despite my not changing it. Red flag #3. “same time” I texted. Then, she texted back all this stuff that we’d get there late and miss part of the show, etc. Which, we’d also been over.

I put the phone down and sighed to Ellen and Shelia. “Lee is being difficult.” and explained why.

“Just invite her over and eat here.” Ellen said.

“Yeah, I want to meet this Lee.” Sheila had heard all about the Lee drama.

So, I called Lee and said that I was at favorite joint with the girls and the dog and would she either a. Like to just come down and eat there or b. Original plan?

“Oh, you’re already out then. Well, I guess I can come over there.”

The tone of her voice was red flag 4.

“Oh well we don’t have to. I can meet you at the house.”

“No, I’m almost there. See you soon.”

I sighed again and put the phone down and smiled at Ellen and Shelia. “She’s coming over.” I didn’t want her to. In fact, I just wanted to hang with them and my dog who was laying on the patio working on a Nyla bone. I actually wasn’t up for Lee’s b.s. Just then Sadie whined. This was an indication that she had to go.

“I’m going to walk Sadie I think she has to go.”

Sadie and I walked across the street and Lee walked up. She hugged me and I peeled away not wanting to invite anything else.

“Can I put my keys in your truck?”

“Sure.” although I could never understand why she had to carry every key that had ever been issued to her.

We walked towards the truck and Sadie took the opposite route around a bollard wrapping the leash around it. As I unwound her Lee said, “You’re already messing up leading her.”

I couldn’t believe how she criticized me like that. Sadie and I had been walking twice a day – sometimes 3 times a day on the weekend and I had been training her to walk on one side keeping the leash taunt but giving her slack occasionally to smell and relieve herself. I snapped “I am not.”

“I was just joking”.

I remembered she always said she was joking after saying something hurtful. We went over to the patio and joined the girls Lee introduced herself to Sheila. conversation flowed between the three of us but Lee was quiet and acting weird. When Ellen got up to go to the restroom and Shelia to smoke is asked her what was wrong.

“I just feel weird around Ellen.”

“Why?”

“It’s just that I talked to her quite a bit while we were on a break and I feel funny being together in front of her now.”

I had no idea what she considered ‘together’ but F the flags – alarm bells were going off in my head just then. “Yeah, we definitely need to talk”, I thought, “like as soon as we leave here.” I look at my watch and said “I need to go make a phone call.” I got from the table as Ellen and Shelia came back. I went around the corner and called an old work colleague who wanted to talk to me about a job. I left a message and walked back to the table. Lee was acting even more strange then. I loved how she just assumed that I went off to call another woman. I remembered all the times she went off to make calls or answered texts while we were in Savannah (mostly from Bertha) and didn’t feel bad.

We somehow got through dinner. I know Ellen and Sheila probably couldn’t wait for us to leave. Lee had brought the table down so much since her arrival.

“We should probably get going.” Lee said.

I looked at my watch and it was only 7:30. Lee had actually called the venue and was told the band wouldn’t come on until at least 9 and like everything previously discussed it had gone out the window. I suddenly didnt’ want to go but thought, “Let’s get this over with.” I signaled for the check and when it was placed on the table I slipped my card into it. Despite my checking account almost being in the single digits and payday another week away I still had planned on getting dinner that night.

“This is on me.”

“Well, you should get it since I paid for the tickets.” she snapped.

It was going to be a long night. To be continued…….

cha-cha-cha-chang-gez

Saturday I did an a.m. bootcamp. I haven’t been in so long and saw a couple of people that I knew from the past including one woman who I used to be an instructor for. To this day I still think she’s a b*tch and would never work for her again (nor take any of her camps). She seemed surprised to see me there but I didn’t care. It was a free camp that morning and I was planning on taking advantage of it. I’m going to try and do the [free] Saturday camps from now on when I have free weekends.

After camp I stopped off and got coffee and ran home to get ready to go with Ellen to a music festival in north Georgia. Once at her house we packed a cooler, chairs, sweatshirts and snacks and took off. I hadn’t been up to this particular place in years and never when they had live music. I was looking forward to seeing all the women and possibly picking one up. Which, I did.

 

Meet Sadie.

Yep, once we were there a woman from a local shelter had three puppies and a kitten up for adoption. We stopped and  petted them for a minute and then we went to set up our chairs. Once we got settled and cracked a beer I said, “I have to go look at that dog again.”

“Ok, I’ll go with you.”

We went back over to the small fenced pen and I reached in and petted her again. She was part Labrador, part hound the lady said. Her pen mates were a shepherd/Jack Russell mix and a pit bull. They were all playing and I had to pry them both away to pick her up. She seemed calmer than the other two despite playing with them just as hard. She nudged her head under my chin and put her head on my shoulder.

“You can talk her for a walk if you want.” The lady said, handing me a leash.

“How much is she?” I asked.

“She’s $100. She’s been spayed, had her first round of shots and is micro-chipped.”

I turned to Ellen still holding her. “Well, that’s it then. I don’t have a $100.”

“I have eighty and I know you have that twenty so I think between the two of us we can swing it.”

We took her for a walk that did it. I was a goner. She walked fairly well on a leash for only being 4 months old. I filled out all the appropriate paperwork and we scraped up the money and paid for her. I got a bowl, a leash, collar and some puppy food. We took the new puppy over to where we were sitting and all these women came up and said, “Did you just adopt her?” and then that was it. Droves of people were playing with the pup including the kids of the two couples next to us. Our friends showed up with their puppy and we set up a pen and let the two of them play it out. Then, the couple who adopted the pit bull brought her over and put her in the pen as well. By the time we left that night we had listened to a bunch of great music, met some people and I had become the mother of a pup – an un-prepared mother at that. But, thanks to Ellen and Lee Sadie now has a crate, toys, collars, harnesses, flea meds and a half eaten rawhide knot.

Lee and I had started talking again over the weekend. Even though we’re not back together [by any means] or even dating it’s been good and easy going with no expectations. That night after Ellen and I reluctantly left I sent her a text with Sadie’s picture. She texted back that she didn’t believe that I had a dog while Ellen drove us back from the mountains. By the time I got home and took Sadie out of the truck Lee pulled into driveway illuminating me standing there holding the dog.

She got out of the car and said, “So, it is true.”

“Yes, meet Sadie.” I handed her over. She had slept the whole way back from the mountains and was still a bit groggy. “We need to go find some puppy food because I somehow didn’t make it back with my backpack with food in it and she’s hungry.”

The three of us got in her car and we went to an all night grocery. Sadie curled up in Lee’s lap on the way to the store. “She’s adorable.”

“I know. She’s so good.”

Lee pulled up in front of the store and I went in and bought puppy food, cat food (might as well kill two birds with one stone) and a squeaky chew toy. I got back into the car with the chew toy sticking out of the bag. Lee saw it and shook her head, “You are going to be a big sucker.”

“I know.”

Once home, she helped me set up a crate that Ellen loaned me to use.  I no more set it up and put a rug inside when Sadie went in, laid down and went to sleep.

“She’s already crate trained?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “I guess.”

“That’s a good sign.”

“I know. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop like she’s going to wake up tomorrow and want to eat all my shoes or the comforter off my bed or something.”

“Well, you’ll find out pretty soon.”

I fully expected to not get any sleep that night but Sadie slept the whole night only to rattle her cage at 5:45 to go out for a quick pee. We came back into the house and instead of putting her back in her crate I let her lay in the bed with me. She is a snuggler.  Yesterday, we went for a huge walk around the lake and then over to Ellen’s to play with her dog, Jax. They ran around the yard and played while her rooster crowed and flapped his wings.

“I’ve never seen Gertrude (Ellen thought he was a hen starting out and now the name stuck) crow like that. It must be because there’s a new dog in the yard.”

Afterwards, I just drove around in the truck for a while and Sadie was settled in the back seat. (that was when the picture above was taken). She rode really well. I was pleased because I want to take her places with me. She seems to really like people, kids especially, and other animals. She’s as social as her mother which is a good thing.

Later that night we went over to Carla and Siobhan’s for dinner. “Bring the new puppy.” I was told. Uh, huh – I see how it is – the dog has numerous play and dinner dates and I’m just the human escort. 😉

So, here she is laid out on Carla’s couch. She was on Siobhan’s beagles’ bed which he announced with a howling bark.

This morning, I was up at 5:15 and getting dressed to take her on a walk. We walked down the street and around the lake. I had no idea how long it was going to take but wanted to establish a good routine for the mornings. We got back to the house by 5:45 with plenty of time for me to grab a shower, get dressed and run out the door. As I got suited up to hop on the bike I heard her whimpering from her crate in the bedroom and thought that this is what all mothers must go through when they leave their kids every day to go to work. That so far is the only difficult thing about having a dog.

breathe

I can’t believe it’s finally Friday. This week has dragged by. I admit that I’ve had problems getting back into the groove of things since getting back from Key West.

 I’ve been trying to work on things since I got back. While it’s been successful it’s also been really difficult. I decided to quit smoking and haven’t smoked since I left the island. I also wanted to work on not drinking during the week – for dietary reasons. (I desperately want to lose more weight) I know I’ve talked about doing both previously but could never seem to find the will power to do it. I would go a few days without having a beer and then I would break down and go out and have a beer or two or three. This time getting back from the Keys I was determined. I decided I would only drink on Friday and Saturday evenings and try to keep it at a two drink minimum. If I can keep it at a two drink minimum then I will splurge and get a really good beer if not then it would be piss-water light beer which, kind of gives me incentive. If I’m going to drink it’s going to be really good.

Everything seemed fine until last night which was my weekly pool league night. Yes, that would be the true test because drinking and smoking are two of the things I partake in when I play pool. I was determined that I would get through. I pulled out a huge bag of gummy bears and put some jolly ranchers in the pocket of my jean jacket. I was riding my motorcycle so I wouldn’t be tempted to drink. I kept telling myself that I didn’t want to drink their beer anyway because they had a crappy selection. That light beer wasn’t worth it. It was all going fine until I lost my keys right before I was to leave. I’d just had them in my hand. I was frustrated and punched one of my cabinets. Only after shaking my hand and wondering if I’d broken it did I realize that I was suffering nicotine withdrawals. I think nicotine withdrawals might be almost the same as a testosterone injection because I was angry. I stood there taking deep breaths until I looked down and saw my keys – in the middle of the kitchen floor, I might add – where I’d dropped them. I scooped them up and walked out the door slamming it. It felt good to slam a door. When I grew up my parents forbade my sister and me to ever slam a door and when either of us would that welcomed a beating. So, you can imagine how wonderful it felt being able to slam my own door without anyone reprimanding me. I realized that I forgot my helmet so I had to go back into the house. I slammed the door again. Feeling great I slung my pool cue over my shoulder and put my helmet and gloves on. I backed the bike around and took a couple of deep breathes before I started it.

“It will be ok.” I thought. “Don’t ride all crazy now just because you’re angry.”

I took off and started riding only to start crying by the time I got to the third stop sign in my neighborhood. I raised the face shield on my helmet so the tears would dry as I rode. I hated being back in Atlanta, I wanted to be in the Keys, I missed Lee (which, was the worst thing of all), I wanted a cigarette and a beer, I wanted buffalo wings, I was lonely. All this ran through my mind. I allowed myself to cry only until I got to the highway. Then, the last of my tears blew off after merging and kicking it up to 80 mph.

I pulled up in front of the pool hall and parked on the sidewalk in front of the doors. I get rock star parking when I ride there. I pulled off my helmet noticing several men walking in with their cues do a double take when they saw that it was a blonde woman on that machine and not another guy. To be dramatic I shook my hair out a bit and ran my hand through the back of it and smiled. They were still doing a double- take and I loved it. “Only in your dreams.” I thought. Men always expect men to ride bikes and are always surprised when they see a woman take off a helmet. They managed to stumble inside the bar without tripping over themselves. I sat there for a moment reveling in the moment.

“Yeah, I’m a bad ass and I can do anything.” I thought to myself as I got off and walked inside the bar carrying my helmet.  I didn’t smoke or drink that night although I lost miserably. My groove wasn’t there. I’m going to have to relearn how to play again without a buzz and a cigarette in my hand.

Questions post

I like to replace “Meme” with “Questions” because that’s invariably what it is, questions. I got these from Maria:

1. Using what’s in your fridge right now, what sort of meal would you be able to make for guests who are knocking on your door at this minute?

I fortunately have just been to the grocery store so I would make them a healthy meal of spinach salad, baked chicken and veggies. Now, if it were a party of 3 or more I would just tell them to go to McDonalds and shut the door.

 2. What’s something about yourself that you hope to change but probably never will?

That someday someone could live with me without a. them getting the f*ck on my nerves b. me having to constantly clean up after their @ss c. me having to cook for them and d. all of the above.

 3. What’s something about yourself that you hope will never change?

Per #2 that I always keep my independence. Growing up, my parents were very controlling. They always wanted to know what I was doing every minute of every day. I remember my independence coming only when I went away to band camp (no shit – one time at band camp…..) and then later college and then much later moving out-of-state. Because  they were controlling it has made me even more independent. I have a difficult time with relationships and the point of my partner, lover, girlfriend asking me questions such as “Where are you going?” or “What are you doing?” because it always triggers a reaction in me that wants to reply “None of your f-ing business.” To this day I never tell my family when I’m going on a trip (they have no idea I went to Key West) what I’m doing outside of talking about work (it’s a safe topic) or who I’m seeing (since they wouldn’t like her anyway.) My little facebook family are only those that are either close friends or distant college friends that live out-of-state. No one in my family is on there despite their constant friend requests.

4. Do you send serious or funny cards?

First of all, I loathe cards and sending cards. Granted I did get birthday cards that I have in a stack on my tv that I’m probably going to toss the next time I clean my office. I will read them – especially, the one from Lee declaring her love -and throw it in the trash. If I have to send a card it’s always a funny card. One that makes me and hopefully the recipient laugh.

5. Bird watching, shell gathering or star-gazing?

Shell gathering – any opportunity to be on a beach.

 6. Do you double-check or triple check things? If so, what?

I always check my wallet for my debit card, my work I.D. card [because I can’t do a thing at work without it] and my driver’s license. When I travel it gets even more hectic because I frequently check my boarding pass, drivers license, etc. several times even before I am through security and several times after.

 7. What’s your favorite place for people watching?

The airport. I always try to get there early and people watch. I always imagine where they are going and why. I end up making up stories as they pass by. 

 8. Insert your own random thought here:

This week has been especially long since getting back from Key West. I’ve really decided that I don’t want to be here. (as in Atlanta, I mean) I’ve thought about putting my house up for rent and trying to find a job in Key West. I honestly do not have anything holding me here except my job and my house. But, if I could find someone to rent my house and a [good] job there I would go – in a heartbeat. Perhaps this feeling will pass and maybe I’m just in a rut or something or post-vacation blues, I don’t know. Right now, this moment I would just like to be excited over something or someone. Period. I guess for now I will be excited over it being almost Friday.

 How about you? Want to play?

reset

I think the last week in Key West was so eventful that now I need some down time.  By the time I got back I was worn out. That last morning when Charlie and Jennifer got up to start packing I thought it was 3:00 a.m. I thought, “Why are you up so early to go? We don’t have to be out until noon.”

 Maybe I said it because Ellen said, “It’s 9:30 already.”

“What? 9:30? Damn, it seems like we just got to bed.”

By the time I dragged in to the house and my cat ran out [still kicking] to greet me it was almost 8:00 that night. I still had to go pick up Ellen at the train station and take her home. My energy level was still the same the next day at work.

“How was your trip?”

“It was –yawn – great.”

“I see that it was. You look like you’re about ready to fall asleep on your keyboard.”

“I am and it’s all Ellen’s fault for turning me on to Cuban coffee and I didn’t have any this morning. I’m addicted.”

I skipped my workout yesterday and went to the grocery store after work and picked up a movie. After dinner and the movie I turned off the light and crashed getting almost ten hours of sleep. This morning I was raring to go and hopped on the motorcycle and took off for work. I hadn’t ridden in over a week and it felt weird (plus, it was cold outside).  It’s funny how much you can get out of practice from just taking a week off. It went so fast in comparison to the bicycle I rode in the Keys. So, now that I’m back I want to lay low and not drink during the week. I also haven’t smoked since I’ve been back. I’m going to really focus on those next five pounds I want to lose and add miles to my runs.

I’ve also had a text and a few emails from Lee since I’ve been back which I have ignored. She knew I was in the Keys with Ellen and the gang and kept up with us via Ellen’s FB page. Every time Ellen would post a photo of us or we would all check in somewhere Lee would comment – which, we ignored. Even though I have not spoken, texted or emailed her since that one Monday she blew up she continues to think we’re still going to get back together. [and, also despite the fact that I shouted “permanent break, permanent break, permanent break” over and over again to her] I know this because she keeps talking to Ellen about it and Ellen keeps telling her “A break up is when you break.up and take time to move on and heal. It’s hard to do that when you’re talking to someone every day.”

Either way I’m over Lee trying to control the situation. She controlled it the whole time we were together -when we saw each other, her living situation, when she wanted to talk, text or email. It was push/pull the whole time with that girl. I’m not going to let her control when I feel like talking with her again or force myself to talk to her because she’s having a meltdown about it. Move the-F on. Speaking of which, aside from texting Teri a “good luck” before her exam (she passed it, btw) I’ve pretty much blown her off. I haven’t commented on her FB or texted her. (Neither has she for that matter.)

I’ve also made my profile on match invisible becaue I was starting to have some real creeps look at me AND Lee favorited me on there. (She’s almost becoming stalker-ish) If I’m going to meet someone then I’m going to meet someone and not force it. This week For now, I’m done with women for awhile. I’m going to focus on myself and my Australian trainer (which, I have a session with today).

Have a great week! It’s finally fall here! YAY!