Key West – day 6 the last coconut/chicken/rum soaked hoo-ha

The days and nights were starting to blur together into one stream of seamless fun. I seemed to have forgotten everything since our sailing trip. Perhaps from the amount of alcohol consumed, lack of sleep (although, I’m sure we had at least six hours a night but it doesn’t seem like it) and activities. I am stuck in Tampa on a long layover trying to eck out this last Key West post but my mind seems a bit blank (can one suffer brain damage from large amounts of rum consumption?). I am craving some Cuban coffee – d@mn you Ellen for turning me on to this. Starbucks will never be the same. I digress.

Last night was the last hoo-ha of our trip. I couldn’t believe it was almost over. The week had flown right on by despite it being the longest vacation as far as consecutive days in a row since Europe (in fact, there were a few London trips shorter than this one). Ellen had gone off with Charlie and Jennifer to shop while I lounged around at the pool writing. Later, I rode my bike down Duval to do a little shopping myself but didn’t last long as it was very hot. I seemed to always remain wet while I was there – whether it be from sweat or pool water. I realized that I had on waaaay too many clothes and biked back to the hotel. I changed into my bathing suit and took another dip into the pool. I laid on a deck chair and read a book on my iPhone. I just couldn’t muster up energy to move. I stayed there until I got a text from my ex, Bird, who was there with her gf. They were down at a frozen drink place on Duval. I decided that I could possibly muster up enough energy to bike down there and join them so I took off for my destination in my trunks and bikini top. ‘This was much better than before’, I thought, ‘Only they just passed me going the other direction on their scooters.’ I did a U-turn in the middle of Duval and took off after them. I pulled up next to them at a light and said “Hey!” and Bird jumped with a yelp and almost dumped the scooter (half her size, I might add – she almost looked like a Shriner on it to be honest. She’s one of the more voluptuous women I’ve dated in the past. She was great in bed, I thought. But I seem to remember saying a lot of “Shut up and F-me’s” She could talk. Here I am digressing again….) I ended up following them back to their FAT house that they rented with their own private pool. No wonder Bird had commented every night on FB about naked swimming time. Inside I saw a kitchen with appliances better than mine, a granite countertop and a subzero refrigerator. Janet, Birds gf gave me a beer and poured me a glass of sangria and we went out to the pool to swim. Their pool was shaded by palms and was much cooler and more refreshing than our hot hotel pool that just felt like bathwater. We swam and talked until it was time for them to get ready for their girl cruise that night. I left and rode back to the hotel to meet up with the girls who had taken my place next to the pool. I had the great idea to go next door to the Cuban market and get Mango smoothies and pour rum into them. (Although, I realized that rum pretty much goes in anything – except maybe tomato juice.)

After swimming we headed out to Malory Square to watch the sunset. Once we got there we circled the block several times before Jennifer pulled off to park. It seemed she had a mild case of “parking the scooter” anxiety as right before we would get to our destination she would shout to Ellen “Where should I park?” and Ellen would just point somewhere arbitrary because no matter where she pointed, even if it were just beside us Jennifer would take off down the street, circle the block about five times, park five blocks away and Ellen and I would be left to wait for a half an hour for her and Charlie to walk back to us.

“Do you want to go have a drink while they park that scooter?” I asked Ellen.

“Maybe that wouldn’t be a bad idea. Wait, I think I see them off in the distance.”

That night after we went through just what I said above, we walked over to Malory Square to watch the sunset. It was still very bright outside and I had left my [sunken vessel] sunglasses back at the hotel. I was hot again and wanted an icy drink. I wasn’t ready to be on the bright, hot pier. I wanted to come out just before the sunset so it wouldn’t be so bright and hot. Because of this I was feeling a bit cranky. As we walked up to the square chickens ran out and Ellen and Charlie ran over to them like they’d never seen a chicken before. We’d saw chickens all week, everywhere we went (except for Hogs Breath although I swear that was a chicken). I mean, I’ve never seen and been around chickens so much in my entire life. We’d practically slept with chickens. [Do you get where I’m going with this?] I thought, “Oh, Jazus. What is the big mutha-f*cking deal?” Every word, every thing, every place had a “mf” inserted before it since we’d been on the boat. Especially, when feeling the effects of rum deprivation – which was happening at that moment.

Jennifer read my mind and said, “If I have to see or hear about another mutha-f*cking chicken I’m going to die.”

She needed a rum runner as much as I did. Maybe the first signs rum addiction or rum-brain damage setting in but none-the-less I put my hand on her shoulder and steered her in the other direction and said, “Let’s go get rum runners while they look at the mutha-f*cking chickens.”

We came back later with the icy rum drinks for everyone and by then they were staring at this man who had coconuts on his cart and was cutting them for people and making drinks. I was also over coconuts, too. During my time there I’d practically gone to coconut university I know so much about mf coconuts now. Susan handed one to me and asked me to take a drink. I did not want the warm, coconut water. I pulled out the straw from my rum to put it in and she said, “No, you have to drink it out of the shell.” Again, I learned some new coconut rule. I wrinkled my brow and took a sip of the tepid water in the nutshell just for her benefit and took off in the other direction to look at some glass pendants I’d seen earlier down the pier.

As I walked the other way down the pier some guy posing as a sword swallowing pirate ordered me to sit down and wait for the show. I ignored him. No one was going to tell me what to do on vacation unless it was my Susan-sailing instructor or the police. I didn’t want to see him swallow a sword anyway. Gross. I pulled up at the glass booth and got a blue pendant that matched the shirt I had on. I also tried to buy Ellen one but she came up just then and slapped down a $20. We both put our necklaces on and by then it had cooled off a bit and a breeze had picked up. It was better. We walked over to the edge of the pier only to be yelled at again by the sword swallower. It was then I wanted to help him with his act – only through the opposite orifice.

After a beautiful sunset we went off a Cuban restaurant nearby for dinner. Dinner was of plantain nachos which, were pretty good. I couldn’t complain especially after our “dinner in the hurricane” earlier that week. After dinner we went back to Hogs Breath and went to the back bar to get rum runners that time. I saw the bartender pour an extra shot into our cups before putting in the icy concoction and knew that we’d chosen well. By the time I was finished with that drink the evening started to blur together. We ended up back at Aqua dancing with Sarah and her gf, Mallory. By the end just us seven were left on the dance floor boogying away our last night there.

As it should have been.

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2 thoughts on “Key West – day 6 the last coconut/chicken/rum soaked hoo-ha

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