dog + toads

I thought I would include some pictures of Sadie since I didn’t in the last few posts. Today is my Friday as I am off tomorrow for the conference. I am stoked that I get to sleep in just a little. (I mean, anything after 5 a.m. is a little).

Last night I took Sadie out to my favorite joint to meet a friend who hadn’t seen her yet. We sat out on the patio and talked while watching our pathetic baseball team lose the wild card. There was a couple who walked by to pet Sadie and we all got into a conversation. The couple was very young (I almost shuttered when they told me their age) and very enthusiastic and nice. I ended up joining them when my friend left and the three of us sat at the table for quite some time before I decided to head home. Sadie had been curled up in a little ball asleep for the past hour. She was worn out as another lab mix had come by to play with her earlier.

She’s been a pretty good dog and it just kills me to leave everyday to go to work. (another reason I am stoked about being off tomorrow although, she will still have to be in her kennel while I’m at the conference). I so don’t want to be at work today. I am tired from my workout yesterday with the trainer and staying up too late. These early mornings kill me when I don’t feel like I get enough sleep.

One of my toads (friend who shares same tattoo as I) just got out of the hospital. I thought it was unusual that I hadn’t heard back from my puppy pic texts and voicemail. I know she travels quite a bit for work so I just figured that she was out of town. This morning I had a feeling that something was up. This friend of mine has some very high, highs and some very low, lows. Sometimes the lows are so bad that she won’t communicate for a while. I sent her another text this morning and finally got a call back. She sounded awful. She told me that she had to tell me something.  I was worried that one of her folks had died. But, it turned out that she almost did by overdosing on some medication. I asked her if it were on accident or on purpose. She hesitated before saying it was an accident. I still wonder if it wasn’t the later. I really can’t wrap my head around if she would have died. She took the medication Saturday (the 17th of Sept) night to sleep and was out cold on the floor until Sunday afternoon when her parents found her. If they hadn’t come looking for her at her condo she probably would have died. She laid on the floor for 10 hours without moving. She said she tore her rotator cuff when she fell and that her muscles suffered severe damage because she didn’t move for so long. That some chemical is released and starts breaking down the muscle and that her liver almost shut down. Like I said, I’m wondering about if it were an accident or not. Again, I don’t know if I’m able to wrap my head around her almost dying and what I would have done. Despite us not being as close as we used to be she still is like family to me. We went to Pensacola so many times together, even recently, and experienced so many things. We rode motorcycles together and rode through a snowstorm up a mountain together. We were nearly kidnapped and eaten by cannibals. We swam with dolphins. All these things were flashing through my head when she told me about this happening. I don’t know what I would have done. I thought she was in such a good place in her life but accident or no it’s still not good.

I remember when she was seeing one of the other toads (she is part of our original four), Stephanie. Stephanie always hated how Alex took all kinds of medication. For depression, to sleep, etc. Her weight fluxuated, too. They were always getting in to fights because one minute Alex wanted to work out all the time (which, was fine with Stephanie as she is a trainer) but then wouldn’t want to do anything. They would have plans to go somewhere and Alex would forget them or blow her off. To this day Stephanie still does this. I try to make plans with her and something always comes up. I don’t get angry about it anymore. I’ve just come to the realization that she will be “lightly” in my life through phone calls and texts and then the occasional trip to Pensacola.

Thinking of all this I realize that I am very angry with Stephanie. She could never get over Alex dumping her or her flightiness. To this day she refuses to have anything to do with me or Alex. Alex has apologized and reached out to her several times to no avail. Stephanie lives in her own world of rich, fast people who like to drink – a lot. To the point where I think she’s an alcoholic. Then, I think I have to call her an alcoholic to forgive her never calling me back or making plans with me after I’ve asked so many times. She hangs out with her ex of 12 years named Adelle and her [mean, butch] girlfriend, Casey. I think “What the hell do they have that she wants to hang with them all the time? They don’t have the tattoo.” I admit that losing this friendship has hurt a lot but I know that I have to let her go. There are plenty of friends who appreciate my company and attention. F-her. Let her go, Lanie, even if she is a toad.

Then, there’s Dina the fourth toad. Dina won’t speak to any of us. She’s cut us all out of her life. Last year I emailed and texted her and asked her if she wanted to go have a drink and when I got no reply I texted her and asked if she got the text and she said she did and the answer was no. The only thing I’d ever did to this woman was have a crush on her and let her know. It freaked her out and she ran. So, I basically lost a very close friendship because of that and that one hurt, too.  But, like Stephanie – F-her. (and, I don’t have a crush anymore, believe me.)

The fifth toad is the only male of the group – this is “K” my motorcycle buddy, mentor and friend. We are very close although sometimes he infuriates me – which, has been recently – but, it’s ok. This friendship is here to stay. I will see him this weekend, in fact, as his wife is one of the authors that’s going to be at the conference.

Recently, Ronnie requested to become a toad and get the tattoo. I hesitate. Ronnie is a good friend. I want to keep it that way. Alex always said that when we all became toads (us original 4) and got tattooed that it cursed us. In fact, Alex always talked about getting hers lazered off. Still does.

“That’s why we’re still not all together”, she said. “those tattoos cursed us.”

Part of me laughs this off. “Right, we’re cursed. No, it’s because Stephanie is a drunk and Dina is a bitch – not that we’re cursed.” Whatever.”

 But, the other part of me wonders if it is true. I don’t want to lose another toad – to suicide or a tattoo.

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