Halloween coming out

Halloween night 26 years ago marks the first time I ever kissed a girl. Not only was I finally liberated with my sexuality, we were also celebrating Halloween with being shot at, a trip to the hospital and [almost] arrest – Yes, it was a busy night!

It all started when……

……..I was trying to be the good college student (we’re all laughing here) and was calmly studying in my dorm room when all of a sudden Nancy burst into the room. This was typical since hers was next to mine. She always came into my room at weird times –usually after she had been out drinking. I admit I had a terrible crush on her but she wasn’t the one I actually lost my virginity to (kiss-wise and “the other”).

“We have to get some pumpkins!”


“Because then we can carve them up, get the seeds out,dry them and bake them. And, Mmmmmm, (licking her lips) I love to eat them with salt on them.”

Everything with Nancy always had to do with her stomach or getting drunk in those times.

“I can’t tonight. I have a big physics test tomorrow”

“Please! Please! Please? I already have Robin driving us in her car and Heather is going along and I want YOU to come” (Being as I had a crush on this woman, and come to think of it, Heather, too – how could I resist?)

“What’s the big deal? We’ll just go to the store and buy a couple”

Nancy was also [always] about not spending any of Nancy’s money, too. So, the next exclamation should come as no surprise:

 “What? Buy? Why buy when we can steal some? There are pumpkin patches all over this country!”

I could really see it all start to go downhill at this point – picture pumpkins rolling around on the ground because that’s what’s coming up.

So, off we went in Robin’s classic Mercury with the stick shift on the steering column.

Nancy is riding shotgun while Robin drives (she hadn’t taught us to drive that car yet. – Notice I said, “yet”)

We cruised down between the fields – we are in farmland central so there are several fields to choose from. The first field we came to looked like a pumpkin patch. We stopped the car and got out to investigate. And, one of us stepped into…

…..a watermelon! Wrong field.

Back in the car we cruised around for quite sometime until we passed a farmhouse with an old fashioned wagon in the front stocked full of pumpkins.

Nancy – “The mega load! Let’s go!”

Heather – (who was, ironically, majoring in law enforcement) “No! There’s no cover, trees or nothing! It’s too out in the open! We’ll get caught!”

Robin – “No we won’t!”

Me – I was just looking back and forth between all of them wondering if they were lesbians.

Heather – “Well, I’m not going. This could hurt my reputation if we get caught”

Robin- “Your rep is already blown girlfriend!” Looking at me.

Me – Thinking “Maybe they are lesbians.”

Heather – turning red “Just go! I’ll stay in the car and provide getaway if anyone comes.”

Robin – “You don’t know how to drive the car” (just yet)

We parked the car 100 yards up the road and sneak in. The wagon is RIGHT in front of the house. The porch light is on. There are practically no trees for cover and there’s a barn about 200 feet from the house with a big utility light on shining down. This doesn’t look good. We might as well be in broad daylight.

We get to the wagon  each grabbing two pumpkins and carrying them away hunched over. I guess we thought if we hunched down no one would see us even though we were out in the open and in daylight. I’m sure we looked ridiculous regardless. Later we also wondered  why the three needed to grab 2 pumpkins each – 6 pumpkins just for seeds? I guess we figured it was the pumpkin seed mother-load.

Sneaking away, hunched over, I looked over at Robin and said, “I feel like Dolly Parton” since we had the pumpkins right in front of our chests . Suddenly, Nancy took off. Robin looked at me and said, “Where’s she going?”

I managed a shrug and suddenly we heard this noise. It was sort of like a humming sound. It’s was coming from in front of us where we just noticed Nancy laying spread-eagled on the ground with the pumpkins she dropped laying beside her.

Robin and I dropped our pumpkins and ran over.

Robin – “What the fuck happened?”

Me – “She just told me the other night that she has a heart arrhythmia! I think her heart stopped!”

As I am relishing doing mouth to mouth, I look closer and she’s breathing. It’s then I notice a goose egg on her forehead and her upper lip starting to swell. Hmm, this looks like she hit something. It was then that we noticed an iron bar protruding out of the ground and bent at the top just to catch Nancy in the face as she ran into it. Then –


Robin – “Holy shit! RUN!”

Me – “Help me with Nanc.”

We drapped Nancy’s arms over our shoulders and started running dragging her feet. Just then we heard a squeal of tires and Heather [trying to] drive Robin’s car erratically down the road. The car is jerking and revving as Heather tried to get it into gear. Robin groaned hearing the gears grind.

We threw Nancy in the back seat, I dove in behind her, Robin shoved Heather over and put the car in gear and peeled out of there.

Heather – “See, I told you we were going to get caught. I hope he didn’t get the license plate numbers.”

Nancy is starting to groan.

Me – “Do we need to take her to the hospital?”

Robin – “I think the transmission is still ok. I hope there’s no bullet holes in the car. My Dad is going to kill me if there’s bullet holes.”

We’re all in the waiting room of the hospital waiting for Nancy to come out. There are several people in costume waiting as well. It’s a busy night. A nurse walked out and said our friend was ok – just to make sure she keeps ice on her face and she was going to give her something for the pain.

Nancy walked out with an icepack on her face. She looks even worse than before. I wondered [later] if she could possibly postphone seeing her girlfriend the following weekend.

Robin   – “Why did you take off so fast back there?”

Nancy – “I thought Lanie said ‘Someone’s coming’ so I took off. I don’t remember anything after that. “

Me – “Well, you ran right into an iron post that was sticking out of the ground. We thought you were dead.”

Heather – “Thank God the police weren’t involved. I hope they didn’t get the plate number.”

Robin- “Enough with the plate, already!”

Nancy – “Well, the night is still young! Let’s get some beer and go out to Purple Head ”.

Heather – “Have you lost your ever loving mind?” She turned to Robin – “I think she has a concussion.”

Me – thinking – “I wonder if they were ever together.”

The folklore of Purple Head Bridge: – is an old one-lane toll bridge that crosses the Wabash river on the outskirts of Saint Francesville, Illinois. It is said that long ago it was a place where a man jumped from the bridge to hang himself. When he did his head ripped off, and was never found. If you go there on a rainy night and park on the bridge and wait you will see a purple head floating toward you. The other story is the bridge is supposedly a bridge they hung people off of in the 1800s, giving it its name purple head. And, yet another legend has it that if you go out there you will hear screams from the spirits that have been hung.

This was a place that we always “hung” out during my college years. I never saw a purple head or heard spirits screaming. The only spirits we saw were ones out of a can or bottle.

After picking up as case of Little Kings we headed out. The bridge was out in the country quite a distance from our college town so by the time we arrived it was close to midnight. Robin pulled the car over near a lane that disappeared into a cornfield. It was always important to hide the vehicles as local police were always trolling the bridge for [us] drunken college kids.

As we got out of the car I said I had to make water and took off through the corn.

Heather said, “Wait!” and took off after me. It became a playful chase through the cornfield. As she caught up to me I stopped and turned around and kissed her. And, kissed. And, kissed.




Eventually, we heard Robin and Nancy calling our names, searching for us. Heather and I pried our lips apart and yelled “Coming!”

We walked out of the cornfield acting casual. I still hadn’t peed.

We grabbed some beer out of the car, walked down to the middle of the bridge and slipped over the side climbing down to the concrete pylon support. We sat down and looked over the Wabash River. It was such a beautiful spot. Robin took out some “whacky tabacky” and passed it around. I get pegged to go get more beer out of the car.

Robin – “Wait! Take all the bottles back with you. We have to keep the case intact for a souvenir of the night” 

I walked off the bridge with 4 beer bottles. A bright car light shined in my eyes. I couldn’t see and thought it was a local out to cause trouble. I raised a bottle up by its neck as protection. That’s when I heard from a mega horn:

“Drop the bottle! You’re under arrest!”

It was the local police, of course. They had found Robin’s car, the case of beer and were shining a light in my face.

“Have you been drinking, young lady?”

I looked at the bottles laying on the bridge I just dropped and stammered, “Y-yes. A little.”

The sheriff smiled and said, “Four bottles of beer is quite a bit for someone your size. Where are your friends?”

I had a foolish thought that I could save my friends and be the only one who got caught. “It’s just me out here.” Then we heard,

“Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall. Ninety-nine bottles of beer. Hey, Lanie. Bring back an extra bottle. Nancy’s needs to slam one.”

The officer looked at me and I looked back and for a moment we didn’t say anything until I broke the silence and said, “Oh, yeah. Those friends.”

“Well, you stay here and I’m going to go get them.” he said.

Just remembering the wacky-tabacky I said, “No, no – I mean –  I will go get them, officer. I know just where they are.”

I walked down the bridge and stopped where they were perched underneath. I looked over and Robin said, “Where’s the beer, Lanie?”

“There’s no beer, guys. The cops are on to us. He sent me to bring you all back.”

Heather –“Shit! I knew we were going to get arrested! This is going to go on my record!” 

Robin – “Did he take the beer?”

Nancy – “I’m really stoned.” 

The cop gave us all breathalyzers and tickets for underage drinking. Since I only blew a .01 he let me drive everyone back to campus. (We later had to appear in court and attend alcohol awareness school. You can imagine how this sounded in my awareness school when after everyone talked about what they “were in for” -bags of coke, second dui, a pound of marijuana- I’d say, “I drank a beer.” ) That’s when I had to learn how to drive Robin’s car.

Heather and I started seeing each other after that. Nancy went home to see her girlfriend the very next weekend and she broke up with her (she thinks it was because of the busted lip and not being able to kiss her) Robin’s transmission was ok and there weren’t any bullet holes in the car. 


ironic carrot

Well, Lee didn’t show her face last night at the Howl-o-ween party. I was very relieved although in the mood I was in it’s probably a good thing because I think I would have been tempted to get in her face or scream “Leave me alone!” and cause a scene. Ellen, who had her share of drama this past week, would have probably tried to push me out of the way to get to her first. It would have been a scene out of Road House (with dogs included).

Although, she didn’t show me, Ellen and Creed all got messages from her the next day.  I mean, she’s only met Creed once and that was months ago when we went to the Goodbye Lee concert.

Ellen’s was “Don’t be a stranger unless you want to.” [I think Ellen wants to]

Mine was blah, blah, blah “thinking about you” blah, blah, blah “I miss you – just a little.” (her typical poor attempt at humor)

What-the-F-ever. I deleted it and added her email address to my blocked list. No more emails from Lee. Ahhhhh! Like cracking a beer on a hot day. Ahhhhh, no more. I just let my mind go there and felt relief instead of anger or frustration.

I sent off my book submissions today so now the wait. I’m trying not to think about that, too. I still have a lot of work to do on the manuscript to get it in shape so I’m going to focus on doing that while I wait. Hopefully, if a full manuscript is requested I will be ready (and not frantic).

I’m teaching in Alpharetta this weekend. I haven’t worked up there since this weekend. I’m just looking forward to the distraction and hopefully meeting some good people. It seems these days I am a straight, gay, married chick magnet. I’ve met more couples in the past month than I have in years. The other night I was out with Alana at a pub that was hosting the local beer tasting group that I’m a part of. I was introduced to a couple of women sitting down at the end of the bar. One of them being very attractive.

“Don’t even look at her they’re probably together.”  I thought to myself.

Just then, they came over to talk some more and said they’d been married in Connecticut.


The attractive one went on to say she rode motorcycles – has a sport bike, in fact, and teaches motorcycle safety classes.

Like the Alanis Moresette song, “I meet the man of my dreams and then his beautiful wife.”

Leave it to me to meet a woman who rides and teaches – which, is very rare – whom I’m attracted to – not so rare – who is married – TYPICAL.

It’s like a constant carrot being dangled in front of your nose that you can never eat.

pig dog stalker

This week is almost over, paycheck in sight and I may have picked up a class this weekend to earn some extra $ for the holidays. So, life is good but –

– I really do need to vent here and you all have really good ears.

Tonight, I decided to skip pool and take Sadie to a doggie “Howl-o-ween” party that the Coalition to Unchain Dogs is having. My ex, Bird, sent me the invite through FB and I in turn invited my friend, Ellen to go. Ellen accepts the invite and I make a comment on her FB of “Yay!” and “Sadie says ‘yay’, too!”

Right after that, Lee comments that maybe she should dress her dog up like a pig since she snorts and bring her to the party.

Ellen texts “Looks like Lee may crash our party. Do you want me to unfriend her?”

I saw. Just ignore her.

I mean, get a F-ing life. The woman has nothing better to do than make replies to my comments on mutual friend’s pages since I won’t answer her calls, emails or texts. I know it’s not worth the trouble being p*ssed off about it but I am.

All I want to do is take my puppy to a party with my best friend and my ex has to piss all over it with her stupid pig dog.

feast and famine

It’s feast or famine time. (working and women)

This past month I have been so broke that I’ve had to plan ahead to make meals that would last me over several days and budget how many times I would drive my truck to work because gas is so much more expensive for it than both of my motorcycles. I can ride in every day and only fill up once and it costs me $7 as opposed to the truck it’s an average of $10/day. Yeah, $50/week vs $7/week – granted, I’ve never been good at math but even I can see the difference in cost.

Last weekend I taught a class so, finally, I will have some extra $ coming in. I haven’t taught since August and I forgot how tired I always am on the Mondays after class. I was dragging @ss yesterday. I got in the truck to drive to work and a particular song came on that always makes me sad and I started crying. It’s ok, sometimes I do my best crying on the way in to work in the morning – mostly after teaching class and being so exhausted and/or right before my period or both. I should learn to see the signs. It’s only been happening for several years in a row now.

Today, I feel great – it’s a wonder how 10 hours of sleep can change your whole perspective on things. I was walking Sadie this morning singing a song and humming. She loves it when I do that. She wiggles her butt and wags her tail. It’s fun to watch. This morning as I was walking her I was thinking of all the things I could get done if I just called in sick that day. I could finish my book submittals. I could cut the grass.  I could do laundry, several things. But, it will all get done, I’m sure.

 (Since I’m talking about her, here she is)

[Have you figured out that this is just a rambling post?]

How’s your love life? [Sloan]



Because I’ve been broke and busy. There hasn’t been any opportunity to meet anyone these days.

True. I’ve gone back to internet dating. That is – if I can even meet someone online to score a date with. Whatever. It will happen when it happens. But, yeah it would be nice to go out with someone I enjoyed their company instead of feeling like I was being held hostage for two hours while they talked about themselves. I’m sure we’ve all been through this at one time or another.

The other night my phone buzzed at 10:00. It was a work weekend where I’m always in bed by 9 no later (hint, hint Ronnie). I looked at the screen and it was Shari [Slimy]. I turned the phone off.

What the hell does she want? I thought as I drifted back to sleep. It turned out that she was asking me out for Halloween. (which, I got in a voicemail and a text)  No amount of loneliness is going to get me to go out with her and listen to her tell me once again about getting the fat cut off her arms (she’s told me twice now – once on our one date and again over the phone when I made the mistake of answering and her keeping me on for two hours.) Does she not get that I’m just not in to her? What is there not to get? Am I missing something here? Although, I guess if I wanted to be scared on Halloween I could agree to go out with her again. My costume could be that of a 300 pound woman with skinny arms. Now that might make her get the hint.

Behind these hazel eyes

I just got off work today and was merging onto the highway as this song came on:

I turned up the radio and started singing along.

“Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes”

Teri came to mind and I laughed to myself thinking how stupid that was. I only knew the girl, like a week. It was never as serious as what Kelly Clarkson proclaimed in her song.  I’m not torn into pieces and my eyes arn’t hazel, either – they’re blue. Anyway, I kept singing along.

“I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that’s left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
‘Cause I can’t breathe
No, I can’t sleep
I’m barely hangin’ on”

Shaking my head. I didn’t tell her everything. It wasn’t Teri that I missed it was what she represented. Singing.

“Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don’t cry on the outside

“Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes”

The song ended as I merged on to I-20. My heart was pounding hard and I felt good – until I looked over at the car beside me. It was Teri. On the highway. Right beside me. She had on the glasses that I knew she wore for nearsightedness. Don’t ask me how I knew that. Goddam you, Teri. She had no idea I was beside her on the freeway. I moved over to the passing lane and floored it.

Obviously, I need to stop thinking about her if I’m going to accidentally summon her with my thoughts. This shit only happens to me.

Btw – did you see how HAWT Kelly is in that video?

wri[da]ter’s block

Writing a book synopsis is like trying to scrap ice off the windshield of your car with a fork. (Ok, you Georgia people who don’t own ice scrappers – just go with it.) Seriously, I think I’m going to go insane trying to a. condense the book in to a 3-5 page synopsis and b. try to figure out what to include in it and what to leave for the [actual] reader. Seriously, it’s tempting to only send the partials to the people who only want to see partials and not a synopsis. But, alas no – I will not do that especially since one of the agents who want a synopsis is president of the local writers club and has clout.

Le sigh.

Not only do I have to eck out this synopsis I have edits to do which, is the easiest part so far. However, the local author that said she would review it also recommended two books to read as reference. (I’m not sure if she expected me to read both before I submitted but I cannot imagine doing all this prior to sending it off) Plus, it’s hard doing all this now that I have a dog to take care of every night when I get home.

Lately, I have noticed that right before I leave the house and right when I come home is pure pandemonium. Honestly, it’s less hectic at work and I know that’s not saying a lot.

Yesterday, I hit rain on the way home on my motorcycle. For a while it wasn’t a big deal but when I got closer to the house it really started to come down. By the time I rolled in to the carport I was soaked. I shrugged off my jacket and draped it over the deck chair I had pulled in to the carport. I went inside and let Sadie out of her kennel and the pandemonium I mentioned above ensued. I’m trying to train her to NOT jump up and that she won’t get petted or praised until she has all four paws on the ground.

Yeah, it’s not going well.

I had exactly 15 minutes to take her outside to do her business, take a hot shower, change clothes and throw her into the truck and go down the street to a new client’s house that I was scheduled to do a consult with for a landscape plan. Later, after getting back home I took her for a walk and then we headed to Oakhurst to get something to eat. I was going to meet my friend, Alana, out for a drink.

I had texted Carla earlier to see if her and Siobhan were up for a drink but she was still at school and Siobhan didn’t get home from work until much later. I no more got into the pub and sat down next to Alana when I got a text from Carla saying Teri had just checked in at another pub – one that I almost considered going to that night. I sighed in relief thankful that I hadn’t gone there that night. Since I had unfriended her on FB I had no idea of her movements nor her mine which proved to work as a double-edged sword. I just don’t think I could have taken running in to her that night with the mood I have been in lately. I think I would have taken one look at her and her new beau and walked out the door, gotten back in my truck and driven across town.

I think part of my problem is that despite wanting to date there just arn’t any good candidates right now and with my work schedule, the book  and taking care of Sadie I really don’t see myself having any opportunities to meet anyone new soon. [and, no, I’m not going back to internet dating…….today]

The well has run dry.

I know what you’re thinking or even saying to your computer screen right now – “You will meet someone, Lanie. You just need to give it time.” Or even as Mick said the other night, “You just need to stay single for awhile.” Which, kills me – especially, coming from someone who is up her gf’s @ss 24/7 and is all kissy-face every time they’re out. How would either of them like to be single? I don’t see anyone raising their hands on that one. Except maybe, Maria. [Unless she gets a new car soon or one with doors that match]

Plus, I have given it time. [Dammit] I gave it eight.months with Lee. It didn’t’ work out and now I want to move on and date.

So, maybe that’s my [real] problem these days. Not writer’s block but dater’s block. It’s loneliness despite having a wonderful dog. It’s that Armistead Maupin saying “You can have a hot job, hot lover and a hot apartment but not all at the same time.” Maybe instead it’s “A great job, a great girlfriend and a great dog but not at the same time.”

Maybe that’s it. Can we also insert “a great book.”?

F the nut wizard

I’m trying really hard to not be cranky frustrated this week.


Last night I was so tired. I laid in bed and watched True Blood. [It’s ok. I’m not really a vampire person but I’m starting to get in to it. I don’t like that each disc only has two episodes, though. I think that’s a crock.] I was feeling guilty that I wasn’t working on my submittals to agents. I have both this week and next week to get it done and send them in. I admit that I’ve really been procrastinating on this. When I was at the beer tasting on Sunday Carla asked me how it was going.

“It’s not.”

“Well, sometimes it’s good to work under pressure.”

“I guess.”

I wasn’t feeling it. I’ve just been in this funk ever since getting back from Key West in September. I don’t really want to do anything – I’m just going through the motions. The other day I was i.m.-ing Charlie on FB.

“You have a huge following up there.”

“No I don’t. Even tho I know a lot of people I only have a few close friends– but, I’m really a loner. Why I got a dog.”

I went to bed at 8:30 the evening before and still didn’t feel like getting out of bed this morning (neither did Sadie). I laid there and thought about all the things I had to do that day. Not only working but a meeting with a client tonight to do a landscape plan along with my normal weekly landscaping gig at Sue’s. Sometimes it seems overwhelming and when it does I try not to think about it and when I do I want to rebel against it. I have to teach a motorcycle class this weekend and it will be nice to make some additional money. My last motorcycle class got cancelled because not enough people signed up for it. I depend on it to supplement my income so when I don’t teach I am really broke. Which, leads me to the next thing that made me grumpy today.

Every morning when I get up I look at my phone to see what texts and emails come in while I’m asleep. (you would be amazed how many I get after 8 each night) I had two emails from my sister. This is typical. She ignores my phone calls and texts but sends me two emails with links to things she wants. The first one is a $475 item that you hook up behind your riding mower to pick up walnuts. The second link is some $375 sweet gum ball picker-upper. I’m reading this and thinking

“WTF, she really does need to be on medication.”

 Then, the next email is a $60 “nut wizard” that she says she wants for her birthday. Right now $60 is a lot of money for me. It could buy an alignment on my truck that I’ve been putting off. It could also be put towards going to the dentist which despite having insurance I’m sure I’m going to need a filling which will cost me a deductable.  I have no intention of buying her a $60 nut wizard that she’s going to use a few times and then put in the garage and I’m going to try really hard not to feel guilty about it.

“No one told you to buy a house on 10 acres of walnut orchard, woman.”

Also, she never got me a birthday present. I guess she thought a plane ticket to misery was enough of a birthday present for me.

I’m also not going to Indiana for the holidays, either, and I’m going to try really hard not to feel guilty about it. When guilt wins out I end up doing something I know is going to make me miserable. (both with family and people I’m dating) I’m probably not going to take off any additional time over the holidays because why burn up valuable vacation time to sit at home and do nothing (or go see relatives that will make you miserable) when –

–         I could use it for Key West.

That’s right. Although, trying to think on the positive side of things – I will need the holiday’s to work on my manuscript because those agents are going to ask for a full after they read my partial. That’s just me trying not to be cranky being positive and F the nut wizard. [ok, that slipped out]

A-line Ava and smucky Rick

Friday night the dog and I had just gotten back from landscaping. I have to post this pic as it is so funny.

This is my client’s Newfoundland, Zeke, who wanted to get up in the truck with Sadie. Sadie was friendly to Zeke as she is with all dogs but she has this look on her little face like “Omg – what is that thing?”

Walking in the door I got a text from Opie saying that A-line Ava was going to be out that night with her friend and if I would come down. I told her that I needed to hop in the shower and that I would be down in a little while. Honestly, I really didn’t want to go. The last two nights have been hectic after work. It was Friday and I just wanted to drink a beer and put my feet up and not worry about some woman I was supposed to meet. I reluctantly got in the shower and then blew my hair dry (which, I don’t normally do). I was ready and took off for the bar. I walked in and hugged the owner’s father as I always do and found Opie. We sat down at the bar and ordered drinks and I asked about A-line.

“Well, Rick said she was on her way. He’s already here.”

Rick came up and introduced himself. He fit the typical Opie man she hangs out with – nerdy, middle aged, hangs out in the bar every night and working on a divorce. I like hanging with Opie but her male friends bore me to death. Steve starts in talking about his motorcycle that he had ridden there that night. After he asked me all about mine and being an instructor and the class he asked, “Why didn’t you ride?”

“I don’t drink and ride.”

I wondered where A-line was. I wasn’t going to hang out with these nerdballs all night explaining the importance of motorcycle gear – which, was the next topic Rick wanted to discuss was why he didn’t wear any – along with riding without a license. He was doing a good job in hitting all my nerves. Finally, A-line walked in and went right over to Rick and gave him a hug. Then, she sat down next to Opie and said hello and finally Opie introduced us and we shook hands over Opie’s lap. She wasn’t hard on the eyes. She had on jeans, sandals and a black tank. Very feminine, which, I’m still not positive that she’s actually gay. I imagined her telling Opie she may be going through a [gay] phase and wants to take the training wheels off and see how it goes. Opie got up and went across the bar to talk to another one of her nerdy guys. Ava turned to me and asked if I would split some wings and nachos with her. I said, “Sure.”

As we ate and I asked her questions like how many siblings in her family – she comes from a family of 13. I almost choked on a wing. She’s from New York and her and Rick are business partners. (it figures) and they’re renovating a house together to resell. I found out all this information about her but the only questions she asked me were motorcycle related. Later, we teamed up and played pool against another couple.

“You know how to play pool?” she asked me.

“Yeah, a little.”

We shot and I won the first game for us. I was holding back acting like I didn’t know anything. Later, I got bored with pool  – Ava was talking to Rick and the male opponent – there was very little conversation between us. I went back to the bar and sat down and talked to Opie again and then Rick came up. He was holding a shot of tequila. I asked him if I could give him a ride home since I was leaving pretty soon. He declined. Ava finished up with pool and came over and sat down at the bar but again I felt like I was talking more to Rick than to her and it was either about motorcycle stuff or landscaping. Rick wanted me to come by the house they’re renovating and do some landscaping for them. I rattled off my prices and then he balked saying he wanted it pro-bono.

“I don’t work for free.”

“Well, Ava and I are – if we make a $1 off of this house we’d be happy.”

“Well, that’s your problem now isn’t it?” I said paying my tab (which, I think Rick expected me to pick up) I thought he was a smuck and if he’s Ava’s good friend and biz partner then that’s not saying a lot about her. I wasn’t going to wait around all night to talk to her either. I waved goodbye and left.

The next day Opie texted me and asked if I enjoyed my time with Ava and I texted her back saying that I felt like I talked more to Rick than her. She texted back that she’s really shy. I wanted to say “Too bad.” Because the thought of chasing some woman right now just makes me tired. I will see her around and say hi but I’m not putting any energy towards it. Plus, I just don’t feel it. Anyway, nothing lost, nothing a-line-gained.

happily ever after

Yesterday, I went over to Birds house to pick up a VIP ticket she was selling for this event I decided to go to this weekend. I managed to talk Ellen in to going with me and felt I needed to get out and do something since last weekend I holed up.

Bird and I went out many years ago. In fact, she was the first person I dated after my 7-year relationship. We didn’t make it very long but it was a wild ride. It’s funny how despite the relationship never being very good and the break up being somewhat bad (we broke up during a Pensacola Pride Beach trip) we still speak and are on somewhat good terms. In fact, she lives right up the street from me now. It was hard to believe that there we were almost twelve years later sitting there talking. If I had to guess which ex that would be I would have never guessed her. We were on her back patio with sweating pumpkin beers while our dogs ripped and teared around the back yard chasing each other. Her dog is a perfect size for Sadie [right now] and can outrun her which is surprising for a three-year old.

She was telling me about a really bad car accident she was in about three years ago, breaking an enormous amount of bones in her body including all her ribs. During that time her father was undergoing chemotherapy, her brother was in the [same] hospital for liver failure from being addicted to meth.

I didn’t know about her accident but I had suspected as much about brother – it was apparent to me when we were dating that he was using despite Bird refusing to admit it at the time. In fact, he was really the reason we broke up in P’cola. She doesn’t remember it but I do as if it happened yesterday.

We had just gotten there and checked in to our room. There was a huge pool party going on at the time with a DJ. We put on our suits and went down to it and ran in to two of her friends who were there. I thought her friends were a blast and was enjoying hanging with them.

“Hey, I’m going to go find my brother.”

“Why? We just got here. I’m sure we’ll see him out and about.”

I had yet to meet him at the time but knew he was a partner in a law firm and was also gay.

“I’ll be back.”

Later, when I was on my second or third beer she came back.

“Hey, him and his bf are right over there at the other pool. I want you to meet him. Come on.” She said, dragging me over there. I was already angry with her because she had yet to hang out with me since we’d gotten there.

We approached a group of guys standing around watching the crowd. As we walked up they looked at us with disdain like, “Oh, Gawd here come the lesbians.” I felt immediately uncomfortable. There was a muscular blonde guy in the middle holding court who I made out to be Bird’s brother. As she introduced us he just gave me a glassy look and shook my hand not saying anything. His bf followed suit. Bird was trying to make small talk and all the boys were just looking at us like “Go away.”

“Hey, I’m going to go back and hang with your friends.”

“Oh, why? I want to hang out with my brother and his friends for awhile.”

“Well, you know where I’ll be.” I left. I didn’t want to be around the stuck-up gay guys anymore. We had just gotten there and I wanted to girl watch plus I couldn’t believe that she wanted to hang out with him over me and her friends.

Later, I ended up going back to her friend’s room to partake in some herbal essence. We had been out at the pool all day drinking and I needed to take a nap if we were going to go out that night. Bird found me crashed out in our room.

“Where have you been?” she said turning on the light.

“With your friends who you haven’t even visited with since you got here.”

“I was with my brother and his friends. Have you been smoking?”

“Yes, and I want to take a nap if we’re going out tonight. Why don’t you lay down with me?”

“I can’t believe you did that.”

I couldn’t believe she was judging me for herbal essence since she was an ex heroin addict and her brother was rolling his nuts off when we went over there and told her so.

“He does not do drugs.”

I laughed, “The hell he doesn’t he’s probably on x and whatever else. They were all high as a kite and he didn’t want his baby sister over there busting his roll.”

“You’re stoned.”

“Yes I am but at least I admit it. Unlike you not admitting your brother uses drugs.”[and is a d*ck]  

“Well, I’m gonna hang out with him tonight and if you don’t like it you can leave.”

“Fine. I’ll leave then.”

I packed up my sh*t and moved up the street into a condo with two other friends of mine and had a great time partying with them the rest of the weekend. It wasn’t until the end of the trip on Sunday that I saw her walking on the beach. She saw us in the tent we had set up and walked over. She handed me a beer and apologized.

“You were right – my brother blew me off the rest of the weekend. I don’t know where he is.”

“You have to stop worrying about him. He’s chosen his own path.” Drinking the beer.

“Come back to the room with me?”

I looked at my friends and shook my head. “No, it’s over, Bird. Plus, I know you slept with Sheri.”

She dropped her head then and I knew my hunch was correct.

“Go on back to your group, Bird. I will see you back in Atlanta, ok?”

After that I would see her from time to time out at the clubs (sometimes rolling, too). She had a new gf who (I suspected go her in to x) I couldn’t stand. I stayed far, far away from her. Later, I heard that she moved away to go to medical college. I thought she was out of my life until I ran into her a few years ago at my favorite pub around the corner with her new gf who was a very quiet doctor. I laughed to myself when I shook the doctor’s hand thinking “Lady, you don’t know what a firecracker you have on your hands.”

But, she must have because they are still together. Janice is very nice and laid back and seems to compliment Bird’s outgoing, excessively talkative nature. When she told me about her car accident and being near death in the ICU she also said that was where she met Janice. Janice had taken over and stayed with her almost constantly and when she got better they started to go out. I thought that was one of the most romantic stories I’d ever heard.

To think of all these things happening – her Dad going through chemo and having to take care of him. Her mother being ill as well and her brother being a meth addict (who is almost destitute) and her in an awful car accident almost dying and months of therapy and healing afterwards – at least she had that happy romantic encounter with Janice who nursed her back to health and is her partner now. She deserves that and I’m happy for her. I think this story has a happy ending or should I say, they lived happily ever after.

Maybe there is hope afterall.

A line dress

This past weekend I met my friend, Opie, out for a drink so she could meet the dog.

“Who are you seeing now?”

“No one. You?”

“Sigh- no, not since Mitchell.”

Mitchell was an airline pilot who was in the process of a divorce when he met Opie –which, seemed to be a lot of Opie’s problems with men in the past they were always going through a divorce. (some in more degrees than others.)

“Why did you break up?”

“Because she moved back in with her ex.”

“OH! That sounds so like Mitchell. I swear his roommate was gay and wanted him. He’s really the reason we broke up.”

Opie loves to relate her relationship problems with Mitchell to mine. I could say “Oh, she wouldn’t hang by the rafters and pee on me.” And she would say “Mitch wouldn’t either.” (Honestly I’m not in to that but sometimes I wonder if I did say something as ridiculous if Opie would chime in and relate it) Since it had been many days since I worked on my socialization skills Opie going into her relating mode didn’t bother me.

“I so wanted to fix you up with Ava.”

“Who’s Ava?”

“She’s this woman my friend, Rick, knows.”

This wasn’t telling me much. I asked how she knew her.

“Oh, she’s been down here with Rick and I’ve had a drink with them a time or two. She’s really nice. She’s the one I told you about who wanted to take a motorcycle class.”

“Well, what’s she look like?”

“She’s  from Puerto Rico and has wonderful brown skin.”

Still wasn’t telling me much since almost everyone from that country has brown skin. It was like saying “I had this wonderful orange orange.”

“So, how tall is she?”

“She’s about 5’-5” and has long dark hair.”

“How much does she weight?” I felt like a doctor dragging out all this body type information but if I wasn’t careful knowing Opie she would set me up with a 300 pound woman who had 5 children who was in the process of a divorce (not that they’re anything wrong with that but let’s just say that she wouldn’t be my type). “- is her weight proportion to her height?”

“Oh, yeah – “ nodding. I still wasn’t convinced.

“Is she butch or fem?” I’m still not sure that Opie knows the meaning of those words but I went for it anyway.

“Oh, she’s in between.”

No, I don’t think she knows the meaning of those words.

“Does she work out?”

“Oh, yes – I mean, I remember seeing her here one time and she had this fabulous Calvin Klein dress on and I could tell she was in good shape. You know – it was an A-line dress and not many people can pull that off.”

Now that was a term I didn’t know despite being a fan of Project Runway. A-line dress? What?

“I remember she pulled that dress off well and the handbag she had that went with it was perfect.”

I sat back in my chair “Opie, are you sure she’s a lesbian?”

Opie followed suit and sat back “Well, I think Rick told me she was gay but now that I think about it I’m not sure. I’ll ask him.”