The phone buzzed on the nightstand last night and I reached over and turned it off. Whether it was “What are you doing tonight?” to “Come down to such-and-such” or even, “She is so great. I am so in love.” (Sorry, Ronnie) I didn’t want to be bothered.
I wasn’t interested in any of those things. I wanted to watch Queer as Folk and channel Brian Kinney instead of Ted Schmidt – which, I’ve felt like recently. Instead of many dates to f*ck I have been Ted who gets none except the crystal freak one night stand he can’t seem to get rid of. That’s me – and Lee is the crystal freak.
I’ve been in a dark mood lately. Only Ellen really knows the extent of it. Friday night I was supposed to go out to a club and go dancing with Nancy except she bagged on me and invited me to a party instead with a bunch of straight realtors. Nothing against straight people, realtors or their parties but I wasn’t feeling it. I wanted to disappear into the loud music, the crowd of gay people and dance my dark mood away. Instead I stayed home and hit the play button on another Queer as Folk episode.
Saturday morning I took Sadie to the vet to get all her shots and a check up. This took all morning and by the time we got home it was time to get ready to go down to the park for Pride. I had planned on riding my motorcycle down there so I could get rockstar parking. I thought I would at least put on a somewhat happy face and show up. I pulled a rainbow sweatband on my wrist and slid it up to my forearm. I had on my triangle amethyst ring and at the last minute I threw on my chain with the colored rings on it that I got at my very first Atlanta pride in 1990. I rode down to the park and walked around and then found some ladies from my pool league that had set up a tent that I visited with for awhile and then walked over to the restaurant on the park and met my ex, Bird and her gf. Then, I found other friends Midge and Alana.
Midge and Alana. Yeah. There’s a story there but I will not get into it. Every once in awhile they will invite me to their house for a cookout or party, but not every time. Most times Alana and I meet out for a beer and watch football because Midge hates all sports and Alana and I are on the same fantasy football team. They had gone out the previous evening with their core group of friends – women [couples] from their neighborhood that they constantly hang with. Since I get along with all these ladies really well the only reason I can ascertain that they don’t ask me to their events is because most of the time I’m single and maybe they see me as a threat to them somehow. (Even though I would never make a move on any of them even if they were single – there is not one of them I am attracted to) or because they all live in the same neighborhood together or because Midge is still holding a grudge over an argument we had 10 years ago – which, is what I think is the real reason. Regardless, I saw all those ladies yesterday and all of them got up from their seats and hugged me and said it was nice to see me. This happens every time despite the fact I never get invited anywhere with them but it’s their loss, really. It’s just mystifying to me is all. Later, another girl came up from my pool league and we went back to the pool tent to hang for a bit and talk. This girl, Niki, is a relatively new friend I’ve been hanging with – not dating material by no means – too young but nice and intelligent. We hung until I had to go hit the porta-let. She walked up the hill with me to keep me company while I stood in line. Just then someone touched my arm. I thought it was Niki and looked over and it was Lee.
She waved and said, “Hi.”
I just looked at her coldly and nodded my head. I was thinking “You f*cking bitch – I can’t believe you came up to me and touched me yet again.” She took off rather quickly after that.
“Who was that?”
“That was the most recent ex.”
“The one you said had no boundaries?”
“Yep, can you tell?”
After that I decided that I no longer wanted to be at the park – especially, since Lee was there. I said goodbye to everyone and left.
This morning I got up late and turned on the phone and it vibrated with several texts wondering where I was and when I was coming to the park today. I wasn’t going. It was cold and blustery and all I wanted to do was stay inside. Being around a bunch of people holding hands and kissing and celebrating their love – I just couldn’t do it.
Maybe it’s because it takes me awhile to let things sink in. Even though Lee and I have been broken up in my book (– not sure about her f*cked up book) since August I think it’s just now sinking in. I’m really angry with her. Mostly because of her stupidity – and, mine. I was so stupid to date someone who lived with their ex of 9 years. I was stupid to think that we could have something and that things would change – that I was worth her changing. That’s what it all comes down to – that I wasn’t worth her moving out on her own and making positive changes in order for our relationship to flourish and survive. But, it’s like trying to explain evolution to a Jehovah witness. It cannot be done. I have to let it go. I admit I hate her a little bit for it. Maybe admitting it to myself makes it a bit easier. I know I need to be easier on myself. I am my biggest critic. And, while I am beating myself up I’m just going to get it all out. I know you’re all going to sigh and think, “Really, Lanie, you’re still on this?”
It is about Teri. Granted I know I dodged a bullet (Sarah, Carla) but it’s not about Teri herself. It’s about when I was with her I realized that this is what it’s supposed to feel with someone you’re crazy about. Teri was the main reason I didn’t go back to Lee. I knew that it had gotten to a place that I wasn’t crazy about her anymore. It’s just that Teri represents that good feeling that I want with someone, not necessarily her but in someone who is for me and that someone – I’m not going to meet at Pride on this blustery day in my dark mood so I’m skipping it. If she’s out there today then she’s with someone else and she’s not ready for me yet or –
-I’m not ready for her, either.