This past weekend I met my friend, Opie, out for a drink so she could meet the dog.
“Who are you seeing now?”
“No one. You?”
“Sigh- no, not since Mitchell.”
Mitchell was an airline pilot who was in the process of a divorce when he met Opie –which, seemed to be a lot of Opie’s problems with men in the past they were always going through a divorce. (some in more degrees than others.)
“Why did you break up?”
“Because she moved back in with her ex.”
“OH! That sounds so like Mitchell. I swear his roommate was gay and wanted him. He’s really the reason we broke up.”
Opie loves to relate her relationship problems with Mitchell to mine. I could say “Oh, she wouldn’t hang by the rafters and pee on me.” And she would say “Mitch wouldn’t either.” (Honestly I’m not in to that but sometimes I wonder if I did say something as ridiculous if Opie would chime in and relate it) Since it had been many days since I worked on my socialization skills Opie going into her relating mode didn’t bother me.
“I so wanted to fix you up with Ava.”
“She’s this woman my friend, Rick, knows.”
This wasn’t telling me much. I asked how she knew her.
“Oh, she’s been down here with Rick and I’ve had a drink with them a time or two. She’s really nice. She’s the one I told you about who wanted to take a motorcycle class.”
“Well, what’s she look like?”
“She’s from Puerto Rico and has wonderful brown skin.”
Still wasn’t telling me much since almost everyone from that country has brown skin. It was like saying “I had this wonderful orange orange.”
“So, how tall is she?”
“She’s about 5’-5” and has long dark hair.”
“How much does she weight?” I felt like a doctor dragging out all this body type information but if I wasn’t careful knowing Opie she would set me up with a 300 pound woman who had 5 children
who was in the process of a divorce (not that they’re anything wrong with that but let’s just say that she wouldn’t be my type). “- is her weight proportion to her height?”
“Oh, yeah – “ nodding. I still wasn’t convinced.
“Is she butch or fem?” I’m still not sure that Opie knows the meaning of those words but I went for it anyway.
“Oh, she’s in between.”
No, I don’t think she knows the meaning of those words.
“Does she work out?”
“Oh, yes – I mean, I remember seeing her here one time and she had this fabulous Calvin Klein dress on and I could tell she was in good shape. You know – it was an A-line dress and not many people can pull that off.”
Now that was a term I didn’t know despite being a fan of Project Runway. A-line dress? What?
“I remember she pulled that dress off well and the handbag she had that went with it was perfect.”
I sat back in my chair “Opie, are you sure she’s a lesbian?”
Opie followed suit and sat back “Well, I think Rick told me she was gay but now that I think about it I’m not sure. I’ll ask him.”