F the nut wizard

I’m trying really hard to not be cranky frustrated this week.

Really.hard.

Last night I was so tired. I laid in bed and watched True Blood. [It’s ok. I’m not really a vampire person but I’m starting to get in to it. I don’t like that each disc only has two episodes, though. I think that’s a crock.] I was feeling guilty that I wasn’t working on my submittals to agents. I have both this week and next week to get it done and send them in. I admit that I’ve really been procrastinating on this. When I was at the beer tasting on Sunday Carla asked me how it was going.

“It’s not.”

“Well, sometimes it’s good to work under pressure.”

“I guess.”

I wasn’t feeling it. I’ve just been in this funk ever since getting back from Key West in September. I don’t really want to do anything – I’m just going through the motions. The other day I was i.m.-ing Charlie on FB.

“You have a huge following up there.”

“No I don’t. Even tho I know a lot of people I only have a few close friends– but, I’m really a loner. Why I got a dog.”

I went to bed at 8:30 the evening before and still didn’t feel like getting out of bed this morning (neither did Sadie). I laid there and thought about all the things I had to do that day. Not only working but a meeting with a client tonight to do a landscape plan along with my normal weekly landscaping gig at Sue’s. Sometimes it seems overwhelming and when it does I try not to think about it and when I do I want to rebel against it. I have to teach a motorcycle class this weekend and it will be nice to make some additional money. My last motorcycle class got cancelled because not enough people signed up for it. I depend on it to supplement my income so when I don’t teach I am really broke. Which, leads me to the next thing that made me grumpy today.

Every morning when I get up I look at my phone to see what texts and emails come in while I’m asleep. (you would be amazed how many I get after 8 each night) I had two emails from my sister. This is typical. She ignores my phone calls and texts but sends me two emails with links to things she wants. The first one is a $475 item that you hook up behind your riding mower to pick up walnuts. The second link is some $375 sweet gum ball picker-upper. I’m reading this and thinking

“WTF, she really does need to be on medication.”

 Then, the next email is a $60 “nut wizard” that she says she wants for her birthday. Right now $60 is a lot of money for me. It could buy an alignment on my truck that I’ve been putting off. It could also be put towards going to the dentist which despite having insurance I’m sure I’m going to need a filling which will cost me a deductable.  I have no intention of buying her a $60 nut wizard that she’s going to use a few times and then put in the garage and I’m going to try really hard not to feel guilty about it.

“No one told you to buy a house on 10 acres of walnut orchard, woman.”

Also, she never got me a birthday present. I guess she thought a plane ticket to misery was enough of a birthday present for me.

I’m also not going to Indiana for the holidays, either, and I’m going to try really hard not to feel guilty about it. When guilt wins out I end up doing something I know is going to make me miserable. (both with family and people I’m dating) I’m probably not going to take off any additional time over the holidays because why burn up valuable vacation time to sit at home and do nothing (or go see relatives that will make you miserable) when –

–         I could use it for Key West.

That’s right. Although, trying to think on the positive side of things – I will need the holiday’s to work on my manuscript because those agents are going to ask for a full after they read my partial. That’s just me trying not to be cranky being positive and F the nut wizard. [ok, that slipped out]

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3 thoughts on “F the nut wizard

  1. Guilt, guilt, guilt! Is it a female thing? all I know is I struggle with it daily. Lanie, I hope you win over it and do what it is you want to do. Mel p.s. funks have their time and place, nothing wrong with them as long as you just take a quick dip rather than go exploring in the depths 🙂

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