Unlike most of you out there I am actually ready for this holiday weekend to be over with. I think the older I get the more I hate to be out of my routine. Even if my routine involves working. Just the other night I was having drinks with Leah and was telling her that I was in the zone right now. Hitting my groove and boogying. Then, the next two days – blah – I was out of it.
Since I’m not close to my family and normally don’t spend holidays with them they tend to be very lonely affairs for me. Plus, they throw me out of my routine. Even though this past week of house sitting for Ellen went a lot smoother than it did last year at Christmas it still threw me out of my groove. Oh, don’t get me wrong – I was in the Jax, Sadie, Rowan (cat), Gertrude, Sassy and Pauly groove (the last three names being a rooster and two hens) I wasn’t in the Lanie groove. I had the attention span of a gnat. I would sit down to read and wonder if Sadie was out digging under the fence and trying to get away. Or maybe I hadn’t latched the chicken pen door. Did I lock the basement door coming back in from getting their feed? What’s Sadie doing now? Is she chewing on something? Also, [if you couldn’t tell from the paragraph above] I get a bit anxious when I’m looking after people’s animals and things. The whole time I feared one of the dogs would get out. Or the chickens would get out. Or I would accidentally kill the rooster after he attacked me for the 45th time. Would I know how to make a stew out of him if that happened? I must look at recipes just in case. One rainy night I came in and went straight to bed. With the dog curled up beside me on the bed in the spare room I dreamt that a tornado blew the chicken coop to bits and the fence of the pen down. And, every time I left I would double check to see if all the doors were locked. I constantly did this and it drove me crazy.
I didn’t even take my laptop over there the whole time because I couldn’t concentrate long enough to write. I also have to be very relaxed and cannot be distracted in any way. I even hate to be interrupted when I write. So, that’s why I haven’t posted anything this past [long] holiday.
I’ve also been a slug. The only thing I’ve gotten accomplished was making minestrone soup to take in my lunch all week and laundry. [Oh, and finishing season 3 of True Blood]. The bathroom needs to be cleaned, if you can believe this – the grass cut, and I need to finish that landscape plan that I’ve been d*cking around with for weeks. Not to mention working on my manuscript. I’m a little ashamed of myself for not getting any of this done. Plus, I also feel very bad -I got my feelings hurt yet again by a girl and it’s such a waste of time and energy.
Last night I went out with my ex Bird to see a friend of ours play at a club. She ran in to another friend of hers who ended up sitting at the same table. Let’s name her Nenna. Afterwards, we wandered across the street to the lesbian bar and hung out there for awhile. The three of us were cutting up and having a good time. Our friend who played came over with her group[ie’s] and we all hung for a bit until Bird had to go to another party. I decided to stay behind and hang with Nenna. She seemed cool and we were hitting it off. Later, she asked me something about Bird. She knew that we used to be together. At first I wouldn’t tell her but she kept pressing me on it. So after her promising not to tell anyone I told her.
Today I find out that she went straight to Bird and told her everything I said. I was pissed. I was going to ask the girl out but not now. Fortunately, for me what I told her about Bird was only compliments – I said she was the best lay I’d ever had. Maybe it pissed Nenna off to hear that – especially since her ex had slept with Bird and said the same. Maybe she was trying to get back at me somehow. Or at Bird. Needless to say I’m glad I found out all this now and didn’t waste my time asking her out or even dating her. This just destroys my optimism that I’ll meet someone who’s honest and trustworthy – nice even. And seals more deeply the idea that most women [lesbians] I meet are out for blood and are crazy (yes, you can tell I’ve been watching Vampire shows) Or both. Maybe I’m just in a bad space right now and I’m attracting bad people because most of the women I’ve been meeting these days are real
So, I think I’m putting myself on a hiatus. No dating, not even cruising and if anyone asks I only want to be friends. I’ve got better things to do. Now I just need to get off my @ss and do them.
I have a lot to be thankful for this year. It wasn’t too long ago that I was out of work and on the cusp of losing everything. Don’t get me wrong – I did lose some things but I have learned to live without those things. I’ve learned that some of those things were more trouble than they were worth. I am thankful for:
The roof over my head
My friends (even those who are frustrating the hale out of me and I will get to that)
Ok, now that that’s out of the way, – the thankless work. What I ended up doing from the earlier post (– and thank you all for your emails and comments with advice and support) was simply call Susan to let her know to talk to Creed before making any judgments (whether it be “yer stealing mah gurl” or “I wanna spend the rest of my life with you and have your babies”) Susan, of course, questioned me (sort of like I was the one who did something wrong) but I only said that she needed to talk to Creed. How it turned out [as far as I know anyway, it’s been radio silence since] is that Susan ended up talking to Ellen about it. Ellen told her more than I did (I hope Ellen doesn’t take the fall, either.) Whether it was because Susan was too chicken
shit to talk to Creed or the other way around she ended up getting her information from Ellen and she in turn told Ellen that she was going to talk to Nancy about it. Anyway, what started out as a dire situation once it was addressed (by me, I might add – have you figured out that I am a “take action” person?) like I said previously, it’s been radio silence since.
Which brings me to the conclusion of: Despite only telling someone to call someone else I should have stayed out of it (like most of you said for me to do). I feel a little bit used to be honest.
I think what bothers me the most is that all along I thought Creed was coming here in December to see Ellen and I. I swapped out a motorcycle class so I wouldn’t have to work the weekend she was here and took off two days of work to hang with her. I find out now that Nancy was the one who fueled the visit and now that they have had a falling out Creed is probably not going to come. That whole thing makes me feel like I’m not good enough to hang out with solely. Yeah, I admit it hurts my feelings.
It seems like a reoccurring cycle of relationships, dating or even someone who is getting it from someone else comes above and before friendship or friends.
In the meantime, I have no more time for that anymore. I am devoting my time to those who make and effort to hang out. I’m going to start taking guitar lessons, write my @ss off, spend time with my dog and not wait for other people to go out and do the things I want to do. If those friendships can keep up then wonderful, if not then goodbye.
Update: as a sidenote: Just got a text from someone who I’ve been trying to make plans with for some time who I did have plans with to come out tonight and cancelled. So, she’s the first to go – no more invites from me.
And, I thought I would post my new social schedule:
Tonight: 1/2 price burgers with some peeps here
Tomorrow: Play date for Sadie with Cooper – Leah’s dog. (we’ll see if this goes thru- like the person above she hasn’t proven just yet that she’s not flakey)
Thurday: Thanksgiving Day with my friend, A
Sunday: Taking myself to brunch, finishing up a landscape plan and writing, writing, writing
The drama is never ending here in Hotlanta. (although, it hasn’t been very hot lately) Remember all that stuff with Nancy and Susan the other night? (Review previous post if you don’t)
This morning at 6:00 a.m .I get a tearful call from Creed. Apparently, unbeknownst all of us her and Nancy have been having an emailing, texting and phone affair for the past three months. I know what you’re thinking: They haven’t actually been together and things can be misconstrued over those three. Yeah well – from Creed
“43 incoming calls in the last 30 days. Two times I called back. 107 texts in 7 days.”
Coming from a data cruncher myself I’m going to say the numbers don’t lie.
Friday morning when I talked to Susan before going in to work she told me that Nancy had told her the previous night (when she was here with her at my house, no doubt) that Creed had emailed Nancy and told her that she liked her but that Nancy had told her she only had eyes for Susan and that she just wanted to be friends and that currently her and Creed were just friends. (btw, Susan told me after that she was a bit upset about it) Ok, that seems believable until you look at the data above and what Creed says.
“Phone calls and her saying “stay with me, stay close.” That was the phone call that made Nancy late for meeting Susan and I at favorite joint the other night.
The “I can’t wait for you to visit because I’m going to take you to a concert, I want you to stay with me. We’ll go to breakfast here, have coffee at my favorite place there and I want you to take a shower in my shower.”
Creeds reply to that was “I mean, I wouldn’t be taking a shower in her d@mn shower unless I was naked there, right?”
My reply: “Um, I think you’re right. I mean I just don’t have friends of mine asking me to their place to take a shower.”
At the very same time Nancy was telling Susan the paragraph above she’s telling Creed that Susan’s in town and that she just wants her to go away and all she does is make her cry and be mean to her. (Playing the victim) This is the part that makes me a bit angrier than usual is that I know Susan – she has done no such thing. She’s only been trying to figure out her feelings for Nancy.
Yesterday, I stopped by Ellen’s to let Jax out on my way home from my writers meeting. I found the two of them there. Yeah, I would love to say that I caught them screwing on Ellen’s bed to sweeten the story but they were only outside with the dogs but Nancy still acted really strange that I caught them there. At the time, as far as I knew Susan had left already to head to Oklahoma. Nancy kept acting strange – as she had the other night at the joint and I was starting to think that she was jealous of me and thought I was out to get with Susan. What the real reason is that she wondered what it was that I knew and whether or not I would tell Susan – who, I might add, is planning on moving here from Key West to be with Nancy.
At one point I asked them if they wanted to do something that night. Susan said, “Yes.” at the same time Nancy said, “No.”
There was an uncomfortable silence followed by me saying, “Hey, if you two have plans go ahead. Don’t think that you have to include me – it’s ok. I get it.” Thinking at the same time “Key-rist, you’d think I was asking for an invitation from the Queen to tour the frickin’ castle from everyone turning me down on invites these days because they are sooooo f-ing up their gf’s @sses.”
Susan asked, “What are we doing tonight?”
Nancy practically shouted, “We’re watching a movie, remember?!”
Again, uncomfortable silence. Finally, “I mean, we just haven’t had a chance to talk and all with you being here and me having to work the whole time.”
Me thinking, “We all work you dramatic bitch.” Saying, “Ok, well I have to go do some landscaping now. Susan, you know where the spare key is if you need to crash again.” giving Nancy a look before I took off.
So, this morning on the phone with Creed she was out of her mind wanting to know what had happened to Nancy and if Susan was still there. Before she told me the complete story I said that apparently, Susan was still here and staying until Monday now. Creed asked if she were staying with me and I said no not since Friday. She asked if she was staying at Ellen’s and I said no. That’s when she started crying. She hadn’t heard from Nancy since Thursday night when she told her that she was not going to see Susan and that she was leaving the next day.
Both Ellen and I have been on the phone with Creed all morning trying to comfort her and calm her down. Nancy and Susan unbeknownst to all of this are – still hanging out. Ellen is pissed that Nancy is doing this to her two best friends (one being her ex). Me, I am so wanting Susan to find out all of this before she decides to move here to be with Nancy. Me, I don’t want Susan basing her sole decision on moving here to be with someone who hasn’t been very truthful to her and has been saying bad things about her behind her back. (ie she’s been mean to me, she’s made me cry, etc – which, makes me want to slap her.)
But, I told Ellen that I cannot be the one to tell her. Neither can she. It has to come from Creed. Which, when she called back later telling me how pissed she was I told her that. She said she may just text data from above to both of their phones.
I wonder who I will get a call from next. If it’s Ellen or Creed I will pick up. If it’s Nancy or Susan I’m going to have to pass. The least what I could tell Susan is that she needs to talk to Nancy.
What do you think?
With Alana I’ve decided to not give out any invites to football anymore but just say, “I’ll be at [bar] watching football at [time].” If she shows, she shows -if not then too bad. I realize now that she’s only a casual football watching friend and that I can’t count on her for anything.
Also, she’s been complaining a lot about Leah being down in the dumps over her breakup with Amanda. She even went as far to say “Yeah, we were all watching football and all she did was pout on the couch and then she started crying. What a way to bring down the party.” Granted, I know what that’s like but at the same time I thought it was cruel. It made me open my eyes to the fact that maybe I didn’t want to be a part of Alana’s snotty group. I invited Leah to some of the FB events I’m going to with some other friends of mine, although, I doubt she will go because of not being confident enough to go out and meet a bunch of women she doesn’t know. But, that’s her problem not mine. All I can do is extend the invitation and then let it go. I thought it was funny the other day when Alana asked if I could meet her and Leah out to show them how to blog. I told her I was all booked up this week [and forever more] with Susan being in town.
Yeah, no time for that. Next –
Susan got in to town late Tuesday night. I had gone out to ½ price burgers while Ellen and Louise had dinner with Nancy. I guess Susan texted Nancy right as she was getting in to town and right as she was sitting down to eat with them. Ellen said later that Nancy was crushed. I thought Nancy would get over it, myself. I told Ellen that they would be screwing by the end of the week. (and, I still have money on it). Last night I was going to go out and practice pool but Susan talked me in to going out to dinner with Ellen and Louise. I really didn’t think I could sit through an entire dinner with Louise as she’s about as interesting as watching paint dry.
But, it was at this TexMex restaurant that I really like and I said Ok. Plus, I wanted to spend as much time as I could with Susan while she’s in town. Susan and I took Sadie and her dog, Nella, over to Ellen’s house thinking that they could play with Jax while we were gone. The minute we walk in the door Louise starts interrogating me about when was the last time Sadie pooped and that she doesn’t want her to mess up “her floor”. (last I checked it was Ellen’s floor but I wasn’t going to say it – I got her back by going to the fridge, helping myself to a beer, opening it and taking a long pull in front of her. Ellen let’s me drink whatever is in her fridge)
Granted, Sadie hasn’t been the norm since Louise has been around. Normally, she never goes in the house and always waits for me to get up and take her outside and then on a walk. But, last week when I dropped her off at Ellen’s to go to pool I let her stay the night. Normally Ellen stays up really late and is awake when I come to get her after pool but last week she texted me at 11:00 just when my match was starting asking if I was almost done – meaning, her and Louise were going to go to bed. I told her to just hold on to Sadie and I’d pick her up in the morning on the way to the vet. Well, that night Louise wouldn’t let Sadie sleep on the bed with her and Ellen. (Ellen normally lets her sleep with her) Since she slept on the floor then of course she peed before they got up.
Then, on Saturday Ellen offered to come over and let her out of her kennel for awhile since I was working all day. Well, when they got there Sadie had pooped in her cage. She never does that but I’m sure it was because she got all those shots the day before at the vet. So, again, out of the norm. Then, I found out later when Ellen sent Louise out to walk Sadie while she cleaned the kennel Sadie laid down and wouldn’t let Louise walk her. She’s never done that and I think she just doesn’t like Louise – like her mother.
So, back to last night when Louise was interrogating me about when Sadie last pooped and so forth Susan chimed in that Sadie had pooped twice that day since she’d been with her and Nella. I finished my beer and looked at my watch. Ellen said she’d be home by 6:30 and still wasn’t there. I wasn’t relishing [anymore interrogation] trying to make small talk with Louise and despite Susan and her growing up in the same home town and knowing the same people they were running out of things to say as well. I proposed that Susan and I go get a drink at the bar of the restaurant before they got there and that would give Louise and Ellen time “to get ready”. No joke, Louise had on white tennis shoes with white socks pulled up, cargo shorts (it’s November), a white t-shirt with a short sleeve plaid shirt. She looked like my Dad when we went boating. Susan was like “great idea”. I also proposed that Susan and I just take the dogs – that they’d be ok in the truck while we ate. Louise was like “Are you sure? Because Sadie could poop in your truck.” I wanted to hit her at that point. Sadie has never poo’d in my truck.
We got into the truck and I said, “whew”.
“I was going to ask you about your thoughts on Louise and Ellen.”
“I have no thoughts. Goddess, I don’t know what I’m going to do if Louise moves down here and in with Ellen. It’s going to kill our friendship because I think Louise is not good for Ellen.”
“Yeah, I don’t think it’s a good match, either.”
“I just don’t get it.”
Susan had written Nancy an email that day and told me that they had a plan to meet up the next day and talk.
“Do you think you’re going to get back together?”
“I’m not sure I can because she has all these big plans for us and I’m just not ready for all that.”
As we were walking in to the bar of the restaurant her phone vibrated.
“That’s Nancy saying she’s at [favorite joint] and if I’m out and about to join her.”
“I know. Here she doesn’t speak to me all this time and I was the one who emailed her today to ask if we could get together and bury the hatchet, have closure and now she’s just asking me to do stuff. I mean, if she wanted to see me while I was here then she should have contacted me before I got here.”
By this time we were saddled up to the bar with Margarita’s.
“I mean, I’m not going to just drop my plans and run over there because she wants to see me now.”
“Am I being too harsh?”
Just then Ellen and Louise walked in – Louise still hadn’t changed. They said they’d gotten a table and to join them when we were done. Susan and I both took our time closing out the tab before walking over. We sat down and Ellen had ordered chips and dip. I let the conversation go and it went to Louise and her filing for disability.
You know this is a favorite topic of mine. Not. Remember, I went through all this with my ex.
“My doctors said I have a good case.” [Me thinking: Everyone who files says that whether they do or not. Doctors love to get you to file but once you’re on disability few [specialists] will take Medicare or Medicade]
“I don’t think I will be turned down.” [Oh, you will be turned down over and over again. The minimum wait period is two years. You’ll fill out so much paperwork, write so much stuff, run around and get your doctors to fill out and write so much and it will be a challenge because of their busy schedules you’ll want to scream.]
“I’ve taken off a leave of work and I’m hoping I will know something soon.” [I’m not going to be the one to burst your bubble. Two years with a hearing at the end in front of a judge to decide. I’d try to go back to work. If you can clean Ellen’s house from top to bottom and do yard work like you’ve been doing, you can work. And, if you think you’re going to move in with Ellen and have her take care of your @ss I’m going to do everything in my power as a friend to help her realize that it may not be a good choice for her and if that doesn’t work I’m going to Creed. Creed can do anything.]
“I don’t think I need an attorney, either.” [Then, without a lawyer pushing the case and knowing what questions to ask/answer it will take even longer.]
I had sucked down an entire margarita listening to this, biting my tongue from saying anything. It’s not my place. What’s funny is Ellen knows all this, too – she was there through every step of me helping my ex get on disability. But, like me she didn’t’ say a word.
We had finished our food and drinks when Susan had a call come in from Nancy.
“I can’t believe she’s calling me now. I mean, I never replied to the text about [joint].”
She excused herself to take the call. Ellen excused herself to go talk to this group of ladies who were knitting nearby. I was left with Louise. Great. I asked her if she was looking forward to her and Ellen’s trip home to Arkansas and let her go on. Ellen finally came back, frowning and said that the knitting group wasn’t taking new members that they were a “closed group.”
“Hmmph, know what that’s like.”
Susan came back and asked if we could go to [joint] for a little bit because when she initially turned Nancy down she started crying. “My goddess”, I thought, “A crier. Wonder if she’s drunk. It’s got to be more interesting than here.”
“Ok, let’s go.”
Susan and I with the dogs in tow went over to [joint]. When we got inside I ran in to a friend of mine and said hi. Nancy was nowhere to be found. Susan and I sat up at the bar until Nancy came in. She walked up to Susan’s stool and dramatically held out her arms.
“Gawd, it’s time to go have a smoke.” I thought and nodded to Nancy excusing myself.
Which, brings me to another thing. I know this is the longest post but I have to get it all out.
I pissed Ronnie off the other day when she kept texting me all this stuff about how amazing Kendra is and how much she loves her and how hectic the weekend was because Kendra’s ex had kept them up all night with angry texts. And, poor, poor Kendra and what an amazing woman she is blah, blah, blah.
It was making me sick so at one point I texted back “OMG enough”
I think I’ve done well in not telling Ronnie that I think she’s lost her mind and that this woman is a user. Although, my OMG text pissed her off and she now thinks I’m being unsupportive.
What do you think? Am I being unsupportive? And, what would you do if Ellen were your best friend? And, do you think Susan and Nancy will get back together?
Remember Susan and Nancy? Well, Susan is on her way up from Key West today and is staying with me. We’re going to dinner soon as she gets here. Ellen has plans to go to dinner with Nancy tonight who doesn’t know that Susan will be here unless the two of them communicate in the meantime. I told Ellen that we needed to coordinate our movements tonight so we wouldn’t just all run in to each other. That is, unless they do talk and we all end up at dinner together. Ellen and I are on stand-by – neither knowing really what the status of Susan and Nancy are.
Susan told Ellen that she’s only going to stay, like, two days. I’m a bit disappointed as I was looking forward to having the company for awhile – at least a week, anyway. I’m hoping I’ll be able to talk her in to staying longer but I don’t think I’ll be able to. (or maybe Nancy will talk her in to staying longer – I know, this is a Lanie pipe-dream like the last time I saw her in the Keys and was trying to get Ellen to call Nancy to get her to come down and surprise her.) Stop playing cupid, I know.
Last night I ran around the house cleaning and making sure the bed was made in the spare room. Sadie was wondering what the heck I was doing running all around and, “What’s this room that I never get to go in?” She’s been going through a growth spurt lately. Yesterday as I put on her harness I could barely get it around her chest. I guess I’m going to have to take her back to Petsmart this week and get her another harness. (Funny, the thing fit fine last week when we were there)
Creed is coming up the first week in December and I decided to take some time off while she’s here. We’re going to a beer tasting, she’ll probably come out to pool, then we’re going to do the strip club again and we have an ugly sweater party to go to (the one Bird invited us to). I told her that she’s going to be a busy girl while she’s here. I cannot wait!
Now all I need is for Charlie and Jennifer to get here! (Charlie, if you’re reading this, hint-hint)
I just got an email from Alana forwarding an email from one of the breakup girls of last Friday who is starting a blog and wondering what my blog address is. (Alana doesn’t have my blog address so that’s why she forwarded her message to me)
To me this is like saying: “Oh, you’re not good enough hang out with but can [insert one] I read your journal, borrow your coffee maker, have your email password, you write a recommendation for me, you get me in to the next concert you go to of your friend?”
I wrote back this: Alicia,
Thanks for asking about my blog, however, only my close friends [in town] read it. Perhaps if we got to know one another better and hang out then I will give it to you some day. Have a great week!
I mean, am I being too harsh here?
It was a good end to a very bad weekend that started off from the post below. Saturday night after a class from hell I was laying in bed watching a movie and drinking beer with the dog curled up beside me when Bird texted me that her and the good doctor had broken up and that to certainly bring Sadie over to play with her dog in the morning – that she could use some puppy love.
The next morning I had to literally give myself a pep talk to get out of bed.
“The good thing is that guy [who had turrets, kept repeating the shift pattern over and over again and who almost ran me and the rest of the class over] won’t be back today. You can do this. This is your last class until December. Just eck it out one.more.day.” I rolled out of bed and went to inject coffee into my vein.
The rest of the class wasn’t that great, either. I had three guys who were real tools – I’d even go as far as to say toolbags. I realized this weekend that I’m tired of men. We got through it, they graduated and I got them out before the 4:00 game (per their request which was fine by me). I went over to Birds to get Sadie and we decided to take the dogs out to my favorite joint and have beers. By the time we got there the dogs were so worn out that they just laid next to the table.
Bird told me about her breakup, I told her about my last one.
“Hey, there’s a party my friend is having this weekend. There’s a ton of women going – you should come and mark your calendar for the weekend of the 17th because I’m having an ugly sweater party at my house.”
Music to my ears. Did I tell you that my ex knows practically every lesbian in the city?
The lameness is never ending, it seems.
Friday night I was talking to my sister on the phone – for once the conversation wasn’t lame and while I was on the phone Alana had texted me “where you at?” Which, usually means she wants to meet for a quick drink.
I think I’ve told you about her and her gf and how I only meet Alana for a drink now and then because her gf is still holding a grudge over a ten year disagreement and that once in a while I get an invite to hang with them and their friends, who I also know, but that they typically all hang out together in their tight little group and never ask me.
This is maddening to me since I know every one of those girls, have hung out with them in the past and every time I run in to them they say something like, “Oh, it’s so nice to see you. Let’s hang out soon.” Never an invite. I’ve had parties in the past where I’ve always invited those girls as well as Alana and her gf. Alana and gf always hold out ’til the very end to see if a better invite will come up before actually pulling the trigger. So, in short I can never make a plan with them because I always get “Oh, we’ll see.”
Last Friday was no different. After hanging up with my sister and texting Alana back asking if she wanted to have a drink I got no response. I called her and left a message. Finally, I get “Oh, hey I was in the shower and was available earlier for a drink (what? Like 15 minutes ago?) but now I’m getting ready to go out to dinner with gf”. As seems what’s typical these days I figured a. girlfriend want to hang with just her, b. be alone and c. have a romantic dinner meaning:no friends allowed. I shrugged it off and went on up to the pizza joint and later my friend, Opie met me out.
The next day I emailed Alana and asked where they had dinner. I got back, “Oh, gf and I had dinner at [favorite joint] and met [large group of friends who I know] and hung out and partied. It was a blast.”
I was steamed but only wrote back:“Dang Ida came if I knew.”
I got back: “Well, only the group who’s in the know of [the two girls in the group who just broke up] the break up came to support [one of the girls who was there].
Since I knew about the breakup and she knows that I wouldn’t have said anything AND that this is just typical for them I was even more steamed. I just wrote back: I wouldn’t have said anything but ok.
I really had to bite my [fingers] tongue not to just go off. But, I made a mental decision: No more. F-her and her stupid gf and their tight little group that thinks they’re too good to hang out with anyone beyond them.
So, for now on – I’m done emailing Alana, having any drinks with her and asking her to do anything with me. I’m on to people who appreciate hanging out and who are my real friends as well as making more friends.
This morning I got up at four. I cannot remember the last time I was up at that hour but recently since I’ve been going to bed so early I’ve been wide awake at that hour. This morning was no different. Sadie apparently felt the same because she started biting, chewing and scratching -things that dogs do when they’re bored and want to get your attention and, it did, because the bed shook like someone had just put a quarter into the machine – funny, anyone who misses those vibrating beds should just get a dog.
We decided to get up and get our walk on early after I had just enough coffee to fill my cup. Of course, at that hour I didn’t have to worry about anyone being awake and hearing me softly sing that Sugar Ray song “Every Morning”. Sadie loves that song [even though I can never remember all the words] especially, “Shut the door baby, don’t say a word.”
After going through the whole morning routine and still having an hour left I sat down at the desk in my office. I have spent little time in there recently since I’ve been working so much. Part of me just loathes it, too. The other part loves the money and thinks as long as I don’t have a gf then why the hell not work all the time? It’s kind of like why take time off unless there’s someplace worthwhile to go to or someone worthwhile to spend it with?
Before leaving the house I slid on my leather jacket. It was the first time I’ve had it on since last winter. I love the feel of it on. The sleeves are just the right length and it’s broken in enough to feel soft, moving with my body. I remember when I got it, too. I was meeting Angie for a movie. (Probably one of the sad, sad shows she always made me see while we were dating.) I was shopping beforehand in the mall where the theater was and saw the jacket hanging in a store nearby. I tried it on and it fit like a glove. I looked at the price tag and gasped. I remember it was a lot of money for a coat even at that particular store. I tried it on again. I loved the smell of it. I crossed my arms and ran my hands up and down the sleeves. I had to have it. I took it to the counter and paid with a credit card. The woman who checked me out put it in a garment bag. I left the store and took it down to my car but instead of hanging it up I took off the coat I had on and swapped it with the new one.
I walked back into the mall smelling the leather and feeling like a million bucks. When I saw Angie she hugged me and said, “Is this new? I like it.”
“No, I’ve had it.” I lied casually.
After that I wore it in San Francisco with her then London and Paris – in fact, I slept in it on the cold overnight train ride there and back. It was on in Switzerland (along with long underwear and a wool JCrew sweater) and I had it with me on a motorcycle trip to Asheville. The one where I wanted to break up with Lisa the whole time we were there. How we fought then and looking back I can’t remember why. Probably because she wouldn’t have sex and was drunk – she was a mean drunk, too.
Despite the everyday wear and dragging it on so many trips it has held up well. It doesn’t look beat up at all although, part of me wished it would. Part of me thought it would –being dragged through so many places, relationships, good times and bad. Love making and fighting. All that.
But, it’s still no worse for wear – like myself.