Unlike most of you out there I am actually ready for this holiday weekend to be over with. I think the older I get the more I hate to be out of my routine. Even if my routine involves working. Just the other night I was having drinks with Leah and was telling her that I was in the zone right now. Hitting my groove and boogying. Then, the next two days – blah – I was out of it.
Since I’m not close to my family and normally don’t spend holidays with them they tend to be very lonely affairs for me. Plus, they throw me out of my routine. Even though this past week of house sitting for Ellen went a lot smoother than it did last year at Christmas it still threw me out of my groove. Oh, don’t get me wrong – I was in the Jax, Sadie, Rowan (cat), Gertrude, Sassy and Pauly groove (the last three names being a rooster and two hens) I wasn’t in the Lanie groove. I had the attention span of a gnat. I would sit down to read and wonder if Sadie was out digging under the fence and trying to get away. Or maybe I hadn’t latched the chicken pen door. Did I lock the basement door coming back in from getting their feed? What’s Sadie doing now? Is she chewing on something? Also, [if you couldn’t tell from the paragraph above] I get a bit anxious when I’m looking after people’s animals and things. The whole time I feared one of the dogs would get out. Or the chickens would get out. Or I would accidentally kill the rooster after he attacked me for the 45th time. Would I know how to make a stew out of him if that happened? I must look at recipes just in case. One rainy night I came in and went straight to bed. With the dog curled up beside me on the bed in the spare room I dreamt that a tornado blew the chicken coop to bits and the fence of the pen down. And, every time I left I would double check to see if all the doors were locked. I constantly did this and it drove me crazy.
I didn’t even take my laptop over there the whole time because I couldn’t concentrate long enough to write. I also have to be very relaxed and cannot be distracted in any way. I even hate to be interrupted when I write. So, that’s why I haven’t posted anything this past [long] holiday.
I’ve also been a slug. The only thing I’ve gotten accomplished was making minestrone soup to take in my lunch all week and laundry. [Oh, and finishing season 3 of True Blood]. The bathroom needs to be cleaned, if you can believe this – the grass cut, and I need to finish that landscape plan that I’ve been d*cking around with for weeks. Not to mention working on my manuscript. I’m a little ashamed of myself for not getting any of this done. Plus, I also feel very bad -I got my feelings hurt yet again by a girl and it’s such a waste of time and energy.
Last night I went out with my ex Bird to see a friend of ours play at a club. She ran in to another friend of hers who ended up sitting at the same table. Let’s name her Nenna. Afterwards, we wandered across the street to the lesbian bar and hung out there for awhile. The three of us were cutting up and having a good time. Our friend who played came over with her group[ie’s] and we all hung for a bit until Bird had to go to another party. I decided to stay behind and hang with Nenna. She seemed cool and we were hitting it off. Later, she asked me something about Bird. She knew that we used to be together. At first I wouldn’t tell her but she kept pressing me on it. So after her promising not to tell anyone I told her.
Today I find out that she went straight to Bird and told her everything I said. I was pissed. I was going to ask the girl out but not now. Fortunately, for me what I told her about Bird was only compliments – I said she was the best lay I’d ever had. Maybe it pissed Nenna off to hear that – especially since her ex had slept with Bird and said the same. Maybe she was trying to get back at me somehow. Or at Bird. Needless to say I’m glad I found out all this now and didn’t waste my time asking her out or even dating her. This just destroys my optimism that I’ll meet someone who’s honest and trustworthy – nice even. And seals more deeply the idea that most women [lesbians] I meet are out for blood and are crazy (yes, you can tell I’ve been watching Vampire shows) Or both. Maybe I’m just in a bad space right now and I’m attracting bad people because most of the women I’ve been meeting these days are real
So, I think I’m putting myself on a hiatus. No dating, not even cruising and if anyone asks I only want to be friends. I’ve got better things to do. Now I just need to get off my @ss and do them.