Helping hand

It’s the week before Christmas and it’s a rainy, dreary day outside. It matches my mood. I had a hard time sleeping last night and just when I got to sleep something woke me and I shot up. I woke Sadie up, too, and she had to do her regular biting and itching before getting up and walking around in a circle and laying down again with a grunt. Then, I had a hard time falling back to sleep. So many things were on my mind.

I’d just gotten off the phone with Cindy before bed. I had gotten really drunk with her, Ellen, Amanda and two of her friends last Sunday. I had kissed her. I don’t know what was about, possibly a momentary lack of reason. (or being drunk) I like her but I don’t think she’s for me. She’s an older woman and while older women have their benefits (better insurance, better jobs) that’s just not what or who I want right now. So, despite talking on the phone and exchanging some texts I think I’m going to keep it on the friends level.

We had been talking about breakups and the only thing I had said about my last relationship was that she went back to her ex. That’s only partly true but it’s a simple enough statement that when said no one questions it. I said that even though I still spoke to her on occasion that most of the time when I did she would usually end up pissing me off and that I didn’t want to be pissed off every time I spoke to her so I didn’t talk to her much.

I have to write this series of texts between Lee and I after I told her that my cat died.

Her: “I am sooooo sorry. Just so you know we still have a connection. I was just now looking back at our last text messages. I miss [cat] Are you ok?”

Me thinking: WTF-ing F – who the F cares if you think we still have a connection?! I will never get back with you. NEVER texted back: “Yeah, been pretty torn up about it.”

“Was it peaceful or did you have to put him to sleep. I know it’s hard. Just know that I am thinking of you. Take care my friend.”

Me thinking: Was that really necessary to ask that? Who cares. He’s gone. At least she’s ending the conversation. Texted back: “Thx U2”

[And, the decent thing to do would have been to END THE CONVERSATION THERE. But, no – Lee always has to keep texting until the other person drops off.]

“Thank you. Need it today. Small team meetings all day with bigwigs of the company. Xmas party fri at aquarium. Kinda forma. It should be very nice. I got an xmas card from atc with $100 in it. Cool huh!”

I was like I just told you my cat died and you have to go on and on about how important and busy you are in the job I helped you get and if it wasn’t for me you’d still be in that hell hole with your ex as your boss. Yeah, I’m so important and busy and hard life I got a $100, too. I felt like throwing my iPhone into the lake after that.

And, maybe that’s my problem. Not telling her off. Not telling her she’s a self centered snotty little bitch that doesn’t care about anyone and is only out for herself. Because that’s what I think of her now. But, if I did that would give her exactly what she wants – attention from me. As long as I ignore her I don’t give her what she wants.

I know I have to let all this go and focus on the good things. I just had to get it out, I think and what better place to than here. When I get like this it makes me want to go out and do something really nice for someone else who needs a little lift or helping hand like myself at times. And, it’s the season to give so what better time?

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