This is why it’s just all b.s. right now and that I am fighting to not let things get me down: The following are text messages from Susan and then Lee. I will start with Susan first.
Susan has been in town for the last two weeks but has been staying with Nancy. Only Ellen has seen her since she’s been here. Since Susan hadn’t returned any of my earlier FB messages while she’s been away I decided
if she would answer any of my texts to text her.
Me: Hey, how are you?
Susan: I’m great. Loving this foggy weather. How are you?
Me: At least someone is. I’m good!
Me: Will I see you b4 u take off?
Her (much later): I’m glad things are good with you, Lanie. The very little time I have left in Atlanta will be spend with Nancy. Most of this visit I was sick. Feeling strong finally. Thank you for touching base with me. Enjoy yourself xx
Me: Ok, thanks take care.
After all this I don’t even merit a visit.
Lee has been wondering why we haven’t made plans to hang out this week. But, she hasn’t asked me so I haven’t asked her. This is why:
Lee (after this morning “have a good day” moving on text): You are killin’ me
Lee: Cuz I keep thinking abt savannah!
Me: And? (Thinking, I was there. You could have had it but instead you had sh*t going on, like always)
Lee: Well….I want to do that again with you. And I wouldn’t mind us hanging out once in a while like I said before.
Me: (Thinking, yeah well make a d@mn plan. I’m not chasing you.) Being obtuse: Hanging out how? I thought we were hanging out?
Lee: Then I meant continue to hang out :p
Me: Well, if u want to hang out more we have to make plans to. (Thinking, I’m not just going to ask you and hear “well, maybe if all my other plans fall through “– which, is exactly what Lee is like and you’ll see later on in this)
Lee: Yeah, u and your busy schedule. Ha! Wait….that’s me.
Me: (Thinking, you’re the one who worked until 10 but you can keep thinking I’m busy because to you I am) Yep
Lee: Maybe Friday depending on my plans for the weekend.
Me: (Thinking, again I’m not your seconds.) I can’t Friday.
Lee: Ok. Next week sometime.
Me: (Thinking, I’m going to call her out on her sh*t) Btw, why Friday depending on ur plans for the weekend? What does the weekend have to do with Friday? (I mean, I have to be up at 5 both Sat. and Sunday and work all weekend but I would still go out on a Friday night if it was with someone I really cared about)
Lee: I might head out of town but probably won’t. I need to return some items (from the most recent woman she
just dumped went out with) but I’m thinking I will just mail them instead of spending money on gas, etc.
Me: (Thinking, I knew it.) So, u were going to go see Denise then. (real name) Probably a good thing I have plans on Friday anyway since I don’t want to be ur sloppy seconds.
Lee: I shouldn’t even consider making that effort. To be honest with you (don’t care, don’t care) Denise asked for all her stuff back (yeah, she gave Lee like a $300 camera for her bday and then asked for it back when she found out she was taking me to Savannah.) and the fact that she won’t communicate (that makes two of us soon) makes me want to just drop it in a box.
Me: Yes, but do u realize how that sounds
dumb @ss on my end? Like if u decide not to see her then I’m ur stand in.
Lee: I’m not wasting my time anymore on drama and I cant believe I considered going. (I can’t believe ur that dumb to think I’d want to do anything with you now)
Lee: Yeah, I suck (you really do) and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean (to be so dumb) it that way but I see your point.
Me: whatever I don’t care this is exactly why I don’t think we should hang out bc u always have to have someone else on the hook.
Lee: Sorry if I made you feel bad. I just need to cleanse myself of this and give her the camera back and be done with it.
Me: Whatever. I don’t really want to hear about it.
Lee: If we are meant to be then it will comfortably happen. Things are easy with you. Savannah was great. I know I held back but I want to take it slow.
Me: (Thinking, what-the-f*ck-ever slow, f*ck-the-f*ck slow) I don’t see it happening. I think we should both move on. (I like someone else – yes, that‘s news to us all including myself) Maybe when we get to a stronger place being friends – when all ur background drama doesn’t bother me then we can hang out again.
Lee: I know. I’m done with the crazies and the drama (right – I will believe it when Hog’s Breath freezes over) I have work, tennis and right now a roof over my head and I’m thankful that I have some great friends. (don’t care, don’t care, don’t care) I don’t have any strings anymore. I do want you in my life. I have always loved you. (blah, blah, blah)That never went away. (sure) I understand your irritations with me. I’m irritated with myself. I want normal in my life and the closest I had to that was with you last year.
Lee: I agree with getting to a stronger place as friends but I know that there is still feeling there. Whatever it takes but it has to happen naturally and not forced. (If it was natural it would have happened this past weekend) I will not be the stalker you thought I was. If I want to chat I will reach out and if you feel the same then go for it.
Me: (responding to the text above the last one) Yeah and u f*cked it up. I was right there and all u could focus on was Bertha and moving your stuff. This weekend again – I was right there and all u could focus on was Denise. I never feel like I’m #1 with u. You always make me feel like I’m your second choice, your stand-in girl. I want to be with someone who makes me feel special, that I’m their #1. U don’t’ make me feel that way (you never did) In fact, u make me feel really bad.
I was done texting after that. But, Lee went on:
Lee: I beat myself up about it all and I’m sorry. You deserve someone better. (Yes I do, in friends and lovers) I know I have it in me to remove this drama and fully have you as my #1. (what-the-f*ck-ever) I actually thought that was the case for a while when we got together. You were all I thought about. I wanted to make you happy all the time. Even to household stuff (I never asked you to do those things) that I didn’t mind doing for you. I love looking into your eyes. I miss them. (apparently not enough) I love your gestures. You make me laugh. I’m willing to try to make this work but when the time is right and we are both ready. I love you, Lanie and I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.
So, all this is why I’ve been making an effort to not let things get to me. Someone who I thought was my friend won’t even take the time to see me while she’s in town and an ex girlfriend who says I’m #1 but acts like I’m more like #3 or 4. And, please – if anything – spare me any Lee lectures right now. Stupid me to think that Lee could ever step up and make me feel #1. Stupid me to think that Susan and I were friends. Gosh, it’s really me who’s just stupid. [slapping forehead] Well, now that that’s out of the way I think I’ll go for a run – make it a 4 miler.