versatile

I haven’t heard anything from Lee since last Saturday when I sent her that text that I didn’t care to hear about Bertha. All of you had some very good comments about that last post (to which I replied). Some being that Lee is very self-centered. Yes, she is – to a fault. (So bad that I almost consider it a medical condition) I don’t know why I even entertained the notion that we could get back together. I guess like before I was being nostalgic. Even after the trip to Savannah I was thinking “Ok, this is fun but not all that.” Like I could take it or leave it. I don’t think I will be going there again with her anytime soon. I need to move on. I am going to try really hard to work on a friendship with her, though. However, I need some time away from her again before I’m able to even tackle that.

In the meantime, I’ve been nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award by Liz.

So, what this means is I have to:

  • add the Versatile Award pic on your blog post (did it)
  • thank the blogger who nominated you (thank you, Liz)
  • share 7 random things about yourself (will do!)
  • nominate 15 fellow bloggers (down below)
  • inform the bloggers of their nomination (got it!)

Seven random things about me, here goes:

I love planes – flying on them, seeing them, everything about them except I have no desire to learn how to fly.

I always wanted to be in law enforcement and came close a few times but it never panned out.

I loathe cold weather. If I didn’t own my house I would probably move somewhere near a beach.

Writing to me is like breathing. I almost cannot go a whole day without writing something whether it be personal or for work.

I like to wear button-down cowboy shirts with the pearl buttons. I am crazy about them, in fact (just ordered one online, too).

I have friends from many different walks of life – lesbian, straight women, straight men but no gay male friends at all.

I am not a religious person, however, I am a strict believer in karma and what comes around goes around.

My 15 nominees are:

sarah

singleship

scrumpy

melanie

maria

paige

j

danielle

bonda

my blogject

belinda

bathwater

victoria

the writer

caroline

Happy reading, y’all!

 

 

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That’s it

Friday night, I had almost decided to play sick and cancel on the date with Lee but decided that it wouldn’t hurt to go out and have the first good meal I’ve had in a week. I noticed at dinner there really wasn’t that much to talk about other than Lee’s job and tennis. Two very boring things, I might add. (I’ve re-discovered that Lee is not that engaging when she’s gazing at her navel.) I had pretty much decided by then that as soon as dinner was over that I was ditching her high tailing it to a club around the corner.

“Want to go grab a cup of coffee?”

I stretched and faked a yawn, “No, it’s an early night for me as I’m working this weekend.”

I walked her to the crosswalk, hugged her goodbye before heading in the opposite direction. When I walked in to the club I got a big hug from my friend who was performing that night. I pulled up a barstool next to another friend and we joked until it was time for the show.

Saturday, I was teaching when I got a text from Lee saying that she had just ran in to Susan and Nancy when she was at [restaurant] with Bertha. That Susan and Nancy seemed ok and that Susan was leaving for Key West the next day.

There were several disturbing things that pissed me off about that one text. First, for someone Lee said that she didn’t have much contact with despite living in her basement apartment why was she having DINNER with her? I had to wonder why Lee would even THINK that I wanted to know any of that.

Second, well you know how I feel about Susan and Nancy these days. I’m to the point where, “Nice knowing you.” Moving on…..

I didn’t answer Lee’s text nor her call later. She texted me “I didn’t want to talk to you anyway.”

I texted, “Just got home, tired and hungry. Talk tomorrow.” That is if I felt like it and the way things were going, nada. I think that dinner on Friday was the last for awhile.

Then, I got a very long text from Lee talking about Bertha and needing to go upstairs and talk to her about her situation. Again, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care – to which, I replied, “Lee, you don’t have to tell me about Bertha. I really don’t care.” Then, another long text and goodnight blah, blah, blah. To which I simply turned off the phone, made dinner, watched an episode of Fringe and went to bed.

I didn’t hear back from her the next day and it was peaceful. I think I’m done with a few peeps for awhile. Can you guess who?

Liquid indecision

I just cracked open a new bottled water right before I started writing this. Despite not knowing if it was really a dirty water bottle, food poisoning or just the flu I am still paranoid. I layed out of work yesterday and by 6 p.m. I could finally keep some crackers down. It’s been almost 3 days and I can still count what I’ve had to eat on one hand – mostly chicken broth. (I mean, I wanted to drop some weight but not like this)

Today, I dragged myself back to work mainly because I had blown through all my Fringe episodes and I was bored. I mean, playing hooky and going out and doing something is one thing, being sick and not feeling like doing anything is another. I might as well go in to work and sit in front of my computer and get paid for it than sit at home in front of my computer and not. (well, burn another sick day)

Lee calls me every evening (now) when she gets off work to tell me she worked late again that day. (I can almost predict what she’s going to say before she says it) Tonight, she went on to tell me she didn’t have tennis because it was raining (no sh*t). As I listened to her I wondered why it was that she irritated me so much sometimes. Maybe I was too hard on the girl. I mean, she did bring me Gatorade and called me, that’s something. But, what is it about the girl that drives me nuts.

We’re supposed to go out on a “date” on Friday. At this point, I’m not sure if I’m going to be eating solid food by then or not – it’s sketchy either way. I chose the restaurant, too. She wanted to talk about the restaurant – I had sent her the link – but, she wanted to talk about it anyway. She wanted to know if it was dressy. I said it’s casual but we can dress up if we want. Then, she wanted to know if we needed a reservation. I was thought, “Lord, girl – you’d think we were going to Bacchanalia or something.” Said that I didn’t think we needed one and if it were a problem we’d go eat somewhere else close by. Then she said,

“I wanted to talk about this thing.”

“What thing?”

“This thing between us.”

“Ok, what?”

“I don’t think we should label it right now or call it anything.”

“That’s fine.” Honestly, I don’t care. As of right now I just want to feel better and I hope I can actually eat something good on Friday.

“I just want us to hang out, have a good time and laugh. See where it goes.”

“Nothing wrong with that.” My ramen noodles had just started to boil. I took them off the heat and turned off the stove. Was because it got her off the hook in some ways or that she wanted to see if there was still something there? I wondered that myself. We hung up and I drank the broth out of the bowl. I never thought I’d eat ramen noodles again after living off of them in college.

As I was spooning out the noodles, Hannah called. Hannah and I have talked more than usual lately. She’s had a hard time the past few weeks. While she was out of town on a show someone had broken into her house and took a bunch of stuff and kind of smashed up the place. It’s really freaked her out and I think she hates being there alone now. She left a message saying she saw on FB that I had food poisoning and was calling to ask if I needed anything. I barely know Hannah and thought that was very sweet. I called her back and we chatted for awhile. She just got back from another show, everything was ok, she was tired and getting ready to go get something to eat. I couldn’t help noticing in the conversation that it was a lot more engaging than the one I had with Lee. After hanging up with Hannah I called Charlie. I’ve had so much stuff to tell her lately and soon we were cracking up over sh*t.

I know it’s good to take things slow with Lee right now – of course. I can’t help but wonder if someone like Teri just stepped right into my life or this girl (who I saw last weekend, btw) then would there be anymore Lee indecision? I think I’d be gone. Like, if someone swept me off my feet. Maybe that’s what I’m waiting for.

I guess for now let’s just hope for solid food on Friday then we’ll go from there.

Redeeming sickness

Well, Lee redeemed herself a little.

Yesterday, after all that I put on my running clothes and went for a run on base. I get an hour of “PT” time in my regular day so I take advantage of it. There are blacktopped trails that run through the meadow below the runway so often there are planes either taking off or landing. I like this. I like planes in general. Not to fly – never a desire – but just to be in or see them.

I had decided that I was going to do the 4-mile loop. I finished the run with a sprint to my office and then walked around for a bit. I felt a bit sick. Maybe I needed to cool off. My stomach was starting to give me fits. I went inside and sat at my desk. I think what it was is that one of the water bottles that goes on my running belt had mold in it. That’s the only thing I can think of it was because I hadn’t eaten since 10 that morning. (come to think of it – yeah, I haven’t eaten anything since then and it’s almost 10 the next day) and I cringe thinking those things had been riding under the seat of my truck. I can’t remember the last time they were washed, either. Serves me right.

My stomach was getting worse and my boss poked his head in and asked if I was ok. I told him my stomach was feeling weird and he told me to go home. Which, I did. I barely made it home before things got bad – symptoms of food poisoning if you know what I mean. I couldn’t keep anything down and my stomach kept cramping. I had no Gatorade or Ginger Ale in the house, either. I tried to drink a Coke 0 since it was fizzy but it came right back up.

I laid down on the bed with Sadie curled up on my legs and checked my email. Lee had sent me an email response. It was very sweet – I didn’t know she could write like that. Had she been taking some writing classes that I didn’t know about? I texted her “Sick”.

“What’s wrong?”

“My stomach. Food poisoning.”

“I’m coming right over.”

She brought me Ginger Ale and Gatorade and pepto in the pill form because the taste alone makes me throw up. She sat on the bed and put her cool hand on my feverish forehead. She said she was sorry about earlier and that she will do better in making plans with me and take my feelings and work schedule into consideration.

We talked for a bit more and then she left. So, yes, she’s redeemed herself somewhat. We’ll see what happens.

Posted in Lee.

-and, this is why

This is why it’s just all b.s. right now and that I am fighting to not let things get me down: The following are text messages from Susan and then Lee. I will start with Susan first.

Susan has been in town for the last two weeks but has been staying with Nancy. Only Ellen has seen her since she’s been here. Since Susan hadn’t returned any of my earlier FB messages while she’s been away I decided if she would answer any of my texts to text her.

Me: Hey, how are you?

Susan: I’m great. Loving this foggy weather. How are you?

Me: At least someone is. I’m good!

Me: Will I see you b4 u take off?

Her (much later): I’m glad things are good with you, Lanie. The very little time I have left in Atlanta will be spend with Nancy. Most of this visit I was sick. Feeling strong finally. Thank you for touching base with me. Enjoy yourself xx

Me: Ok, thanks take care.

After all this I don’t even merit a visit.

Lee has been wondering why we haven’t made plans to hang out this week. But, she hasn’t asked me so I haven’t asked her. This is why:

Lee (after this morning “have a good day” moving on text): You are killin’ me

Me:??

Lee: Cuz I keep thinking abt savannah!

Me: And? (Thinking, I was there. You could have had it but instead you had sh*t going on, like always)

Lee: Well….I want to do that again with you. And I wouldn’t mind us hanging out once in a while like I said before.

Me: (Thinking, yeah well make a d@mn plan. I’m not chasing you.) Being obtuse: Hanging out how? I thought we were hanging out?

Lee: Then I meant continue to hang out :p

Me: Well, if u want to hang out more we have to make plans to. (Thinking, I’m not just going to ask you and hear “well, maybe if all my other plans fall through “– which, is exactly what Lee is like and you’ll see later on in this)

Lee: Yeah, u and your busy schedule. Ha! Wait….that’s me.

Me: (Thinking, you’re the one who worked until 10 but you can keep thinking I’m busy because to you I am) Yep

Lee: Maybe Friday depending on my plans for the weekend.

Me: (Thinking, again I’m not your seconds.) I can’t Friday.

Lee: Ok. Next week sometime.

Me: (Thinking, I’m going to call her out on her sh*t) Btw, why Friday depending on ur plans for the weekend? What does the weekend have to do with Friday? (I mean, I have to be up at 5 both Sat. and Sunday and work all weekend but I would still go out on a Friday night if it was with someone I really cared about)

Lee: I might head out of town but probably won’t. I need to return some items (from the most recent woman she just dumped went out with) but I’m thinking I will just mail them instead of spending money on gas, etc.

Me: (Thinking, I knew it.) So, u were going to go see Denise then. (real name) Probably a good thing I have plans on Friday anyway since I don’t want to be ur sloppy seconds.

Lee: I shouldn’t even consider making that effort. To be honest with you (don’t care, don’t care) Denise asked for all her stuff back (yeah, she gave Lee like a $300 camera for her bday and then asked for it back when she found out she was taking me to Savannah.) and the fact that she won’t communicate (that makes two of us soon) makes me want to just drop it in a box.

Me: Yes, but do u realize how that sounds dumb @ss on my end? Like if u decide not to see her then I’m ur stand in.

Lee: I’m not wasting my time anymore on drama and I cant believe I considered going. (I can’t believe ur that dumb to think I’d want to do anything with you now)

Lee: Yeah, I suck (you really do) and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean (to be so dumb) it that way but I see your point.

Me: whatever I don’t care this is exactly why I don’t think we should hang out bc u always have to have someone else on the hook.

Lee: Sorry if I made you feel bad. I just need to cleanse myself of this and give her the camera back and be done with it.

Me: Whatever. I don’t really want to hear about it.

Lee: If we are meant to be then it will comfortably happen. Things are easy with you. Savannah was great. I know I held back but I want to take it slow.

Me: (Thinking, what-the-f*ck-ever slow, f*ck-the-f*ck slow) I don’t see it happening. I think we should both move on. (I like someone else – yes, that‘s news to us all including myself) Maybe when we get to a stronger place being friends – when all ur background drama doesn’t bother me then we can hang out again.

Lee: I know. I’m done with the crazies and the drama (right – I will believe it when Hog’s Breath freezes over) I have work, tennis and right now a roof over my head and I’m thankful that I have some great friends. (don’t care, don’t care, don’t care) I don’t have any strings anymore. I do want you in my life. I have always loved you. (blah, blah, blah)That never went away. (sure) I understand your irritations with me. I’m irritated with myself. I want normal in my life and the closest I had to that was with you last year.

Lee: I agree with getting to a stronger place as friends but I know that there is still feeling there. Whatever it takes but it has to happen naturally and not forced. (If it was natural it would have happened this past weekend) I will not be the stalker you thought I was. If I want to chat I will reach out and if you feel the same then go for it.

Me: (responding to the text above the last one) Yeah and u f*cked it up. I was right there and all u could focus on was Bertha and moving your stuff. This weekend again – I was right there and all u could focus on was Denise. I never feel like I’m #1 with u. You always make me feel like I’m your second choice, your stand-in girl. I want to be with someone who makes me feel special, that I’m their #1. U don’t’ make me feel that way (you never did) In fact, u make me feel really bad.

I was done texting after that. But, Lee went on:

Lee: I beat myself up about it all and I’m sorry. You deserve someone better. (Yes I do, in friends and lovers) I know I have it in me to remove this drama and fully have you as my #1. (what-the-f*ck-ever) I actually thought that was the case for a while when we got together. You were all I thought about. I wanted to make you happy all the time. Even to household stuff (I never asked you to do those things) that I didn’t mind doing for you. I love looking into your eyes. I miss them. (apparently not enough) I love your gestures. You make me laugh. I’m willing to try to make this work but when the time is right and we are both ready. I love you, Lanie and I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.

So, all this is why I’ve been making an effort to not let things get to me. Someone who I thought was my friend  won’t even take the time to see me while she’s in town and an ex girlfriend who says I’m #1 but acts like I’m more like #3 or 4. And, please – if anything – spare me any Lee lectures right now. Stupid me to think that Lee could ever step up and make me feel #1. Stupid me to think that Susan and I were friends. Gosh, it’s really me who’s just stupid. [slapping forehead] Well, now that that’s out of the way I think I’ll go for a run – make it a 4 miler.

Ex’s, spring and love

My ex is moving back to SF. I just found this out on FB yesterday. While I’m not surprised by this news it makes me feel like it’s the end of an era. I also have some residual feelings about it. The reason being is that she left for SF right after we broke up and I assumed I would never see her again. I hope this time I will see her again but you always wonder when people move away if you will ever see them again. If it’s just something you always say you will do – like, go visit and never do. We’ll see.

Speaking of ex’s – I went to Savannah with Lee last weekend. (Yeah, I was hoping to just slip this in so y’all would just skim over it but I don’t think that’s happening) We talked last week – even went out on Friday to one of our favorite places so I could finally take her out for her birthday. She had asked if I wanted to ride down to Savannah with her Saturday so she could check on her house and I said, ok. We took both our dogs in my truck (she paid for gas). By 11 that night we were sitting at the bar of our favorite little Irish pub in downtown Savannah. We got along really well but by no means are we back together. (Do I need to say that again for y’all because I will dont’ frickin’ panic) Lee still has noise going on in the background. (By that I mean, she just recently dumped someone who is not happy with her – which, I almost feel sorry for the girl- but, not for Lee) While none of this info really bothers me since we’re not together anymore, I told her that by no means could she have any noise if we were to see each other again romantically.

Despite having a good time and it being so great to be there again I still don’t know how I feel about it. Part of me wished it were more romantic and that we were back.(I guess I’m still nostalgic about all those times before when we were there together) The other part thinks we both played it just right using caution just hanging out, enjoying each other’s company and talking and, hell, I didn’t want to be a rebound, yet again. I’m still up in the air about it to be honest. Since we got back I’ve kept her at arm’s length. She called last night and I didn’t answer. Not that I was mad at her or anything, I just didn’t feel like it. I was having a low-key evening. I wanted to chat on FB messenger with Charlie instead, read my book and drink coffee. This morning I texted her a “Good morning” and we chatted back and forth a bit. But, again, I wasn’t responding quickly enough for ol’ Lee because I was chatting with Charlie on messenger again and Lee gave me the “Well, have a good day.” moving on text. I’m sure she moved on to some noise one else to chat with that would respond to her more quickly. (In hindsight, I guess I’m doing to Lee what she always did to me. Part of me wishes I would have had Charlie call acting like a gf while I was in Savannah. Gosh, that would have been fun – why didn’t I do that??) Lee and I talked about going back to Savannah again in a few weeks for a three-day weekend. We’ll see.  I’m keeping it open seeing if the weather is good. I am keeping every-thing open – there is no.way I am settling.

I’m just trying to do my own thing these days and be happy – not letting anyone or anything get me down. I realized about a week before Savannah that I was in a real rut in a lot of things and I needed to get out of it. Wintertime is always a big rut for me. I hate the cold weather and the early darkness. I was bummed this past weekend that despite the weather forecast saying it was supposed to be in the 70’s and sunny in Savannah it wasn’t. I really wanted to run on the beach and feel the sun on my skin. I always long for Spring this time of year. January, February (and, gosh I don’t even want to think about Valentine’s Day – is it possible to dred a holiday as much as I do this one?) and March just bite. I really get motivated this time of year to try to do things to improve my spirits. I’ve been trying to hit the gym every day – still not smoking, and cooking more at home and reading a lot. I’m hoping to get in a nice, long run after work today because the weather is supposed to be nice. Maybe I will even ride my motorcycle around town tonight – who knows. I’m just doing my own thing, praying for Spring to get here soon and hoping it will bring newness and love.

just a test….

That night it was raining hard. You could say it was a dark and rainy night. I swear every time I go to this pub on Tuesday nights it’s pouring outside. Tuesday nights just happen to be half off burger night and they do have one of the greatest burgers in the city.

I had texted Lee that day wishing her a happy (early) birthday because I would probably forget by the next day of her real birthday and wanted to send wishes while I remembered. She replied thanks and it went a little back and forth from there.

“I’d take you out to a half price burger tonight for your b-day if I wasn’t so broke.” I texted.  Seriously, I have $50 to my name until payday.

“Well, that’s ok. I’ll buy and you can buy next time.”

Here it was. Hanging out with Lee again. Do I do it? Do I not? Well, if I can get through the evening without her pissing me off then that’s a good sign. Ok, it will be a test then.

“Sure. What time?”

I made sure I got there later than her. Despite being compulsively early all the time sometimes it works to my advantage to be a little late. I admit that I had ironed the shirt I had on, put on this good-smelling lotion and had on my lucky leather jacket. I kept telling myself, “No, this isn’t a date. It’s just a test……of the emergency broadcasting system. It’s only a test……”

She was already at the bar and had ordered a pitcher for us. I pulled up a stool to her left and she turned and gave me a hug. She looked good. Her hair was considerably darker and curlier. I made a note to ask her about it later.

“Is that a new jacket?”

“No, it’s left over from my retail therapy days.” 

So, we sat there and talked about recent things we’d been up to. Then, we talked about breakup things and we laughed about things in between. We did talk about Savannah a lot. We both admitted we missed those times. I managed to get a lot off my chest and was miraculously not pissed off anymore. We agreed to meet up again sometime soon before leaving. It ended well.

Granted, I’m not going back to the place we were before. If there’s a new place then we’ll see. But, I admit it’s just really nice to be asked out for dinner again instead of always doing the asking. It’s just really nice to have someone to laugh with again and share some good memories.

Maybe the jacket was working its magic.

Savannah Fringe

This time last year Lee and I were in Savannah for her birthday having a really good time.

That sucks.

It was the ignorance-is-bliss stage of our relationship. The before-I realized-it that Bertha was always going to be an abusive fixture in her life. The before-I realized-it that Lee was always going to have these other “crushes”. The before-I realized-it Lee was never going to really settle down but be on a constant state of flux between Atlanta and Savannah.

As I was driving in to work today I thought of Lee and wondered if today was her birthday. When I got to the office I pulled out my day timer and saw that it’s tomorrow. I also saw that I had written Savannah around that date. I shut the book and thought about running on Tybee Island when it was pouring rain and so cold. I thought about making her chocolate chip cookies in the toaster oven and putting a candle on top of it. I thought of us walking down River Street holding hands and splitting a corned beef sandwich at the Irish pub.

I thought of the $2 bill on the ceiling.

-Sigh – I don’t know what I miss more – Savannah or her and I just realized that I’m wearing a T-shirt from one of the Irish pubs down there today under my dress shirt. I feel like I’ve stepped into a time warp. [Maybe I’ve been watching too much Fringe.]

choosy douche bags

I’m feeling blah today as I often do after working all weekend. Honestly, if I didn’t need this part-time teaching gig to supplement my income I would have let it go years ago. In 2013 I will have been a motorcycle instructor for 10 years. Perhaps that’s a goal for this year is to find a way to make more $$ and retire my range cards on my 10 year anniversary.

On the brighter side of things I do have today off. I have felt like a lump and not really up for doing anything. I’ve been like that a lot lately. I did go out twice last week – once to join Bird at the dogpark and again for the charity event. I have no plans this week except pool on Thursday.

I’ve been really choosey with a lot of things lately. Women, activities, etc. Lately, I seem to attract the over 50 set, the want-to-take-care-of-me-like-they’re-my-moms. Forget it. My mother passed in my early 30’s and I’ve been taking care of myself just fine ever since. I don’t need another mother. Then, ones that are just really wishy-washy like Hannah. She texted me today when it’s 43 degrees outside and asked if I was off and if I wanted to go for a motorcycle ride. Which was absolutely the last thing I wanted to do after being outside in the cold all weekend teaching motorcycle training and riding demos. I replied: I am off but I don’t feel like riding.

She could have easily just texted back: Well, what do you feel like doing?

Several things had come to mind like, meeting for a cup of coffee, going to a movie, or even having lunch. But, no – I’ve started to notice if it isn’t something Hannah has set on doing then she doesn’t ask or when I ask she turns me down.

Then, there’s Cindi who I hadn’t spoken to since I saw her in the Christmas sweater and she wouldn’t tell me how old she was (probably because she was old enough to be my mother) I got a text from her on Saturday evening (after I had fallen into an exhausted sleep from teaching my horrible class all day) whining that she hadn’t heard from me and why that she just wanted to just be friends. (Right, I wasn’t getting the “just be friends” vibe from her) Ok then, correct me if I’m wrong but a real friend would have asked, “How are you? What have you been up to? How was your holiday? Care to join me sometime soon for a cup of coffee, dinner, etc.?” instead of sending me some whiny-ass text trying to make me feel bad for not keeping in touch. I mean, why is it so hard to not to be a douche bag?

Then, there’s a friend of Bird’s that I got introduced to yesterday when I went to her house to pick up Sadie. Her name was Jonie and she had pulled Bird into the house at some point while I was talking to Janice (yes, when Janice heard I was there she came right over from work. I’m still finding this so amusing since I like Janice, think she’s a great woman and enjoy her company despite having no designs to get back with Bird). Bird returned later to tell me that Jonie thought I was hot. Uh, well – while that was a boost to my ego I had no designs on going out with someone who was getting ready to start grad school in some med program, and an overweight, smoker. (Not to say there’s anything wrong with either since I’ve been there myself – but, just not for me.  Not who I’m looking for.)

My one date may be with someone I’ve been talking to on an online site for a while. But, who knows. I’m not holding my breath that she won’t turn out like all the others.

At least being single right gives me the opportunity to be choosey. I know what I want, the qualities I want in a partner and I’m going to hold out until I find her (–and, I may not even find her until the spring since a lot of the lesbians I know bed down for the winter with their girlfriends.) I’m not settling for douche bags – in lovers or friends.