Why is it that some nights I just have a hard time staying home? Last week I overbooked myself and had something going on almost every night. I looked back on Monday and thought, “Why do you do this to yourself?”
By Thursday I was thinking that I seriously wanted to skip pool and stay home that night. Sadie and I were on a long walk, it was nice outside, I’d ridden my motorcycle that day and I just wanted to stay in. I longed to watch Queer as Folk and read. But, I had made a commitment to play pool this season I had to go. (and, I can’t tell you how hard it is to be in that smoky bar after quitting). Fortunately, I played first that night and then took off. I think my team is mostly used to this by now but at least I’m showing up.
Then, I went into the weekend working. Not that it’s bad – I’m not complaining. I’m thankful for the work. (despite paying out the @ss taxes on my misc income this past year) And, ok I’m going to admit it – I broke lent after work on Sunday because I read that some denominations break Lent on Sundays. So, I had a couple of beers. (And, they were heavenly) I felt completely ok in doing so. However, tonight I wanted to do it again. I wanted to go out and have a couple of beers. I almost did, too. Especially when I started doing my taxes – and, for awhile I was about to slam the laptop shut and go get something stronger to drink because it wasn’t looking good. But, then I stuck with it through the deductions and ended up doing ok. I was relieved. Then, I wanted to have a drink because I was relieved.
A movie was playing on the dvd player in my office, Sadie was curled up on the futon and I had eaten a salad. I remembered my cords fitting better this morning when I put them on. I didn’t want to disrupt my sleeping dog to put her in her kennel if I went out nor make her go into the cold truck. She was asleep. I mustn’t disturb her. It was cozy in here. I could heat up a couple of hamburgers and eat them without the bun. Carb-free dinner. I’d be into those size 30’s in no time. I told myself all these things over and over again. So, I talked myself out of it. (Although, I am going to break Lent on Sundays –which, brings Lent to 40 days) But, regardless I’m sure there are going to be several nights like this (except Sundays).
I think what it comes down to is that I’m lonely. I guess that’s why I work so much. I figure if I’m not getting laid I might as well get paid. Hannah called on Friday but I didn’t answer and she didn’t leave a message. I didn’t call her back, either. I don’t feel like hanging with her. Then, of course, Lee wanted to get together but I certainly don’t want to hang with her. So, I’m being selective in who I hang out with these days. I’d rather be lonely then be around people I don’t want to be around. But, the thing is – no one is doing it for me these days. No one.
And, this whole Lent thing – well, it’s not helping my social life. I’m not saying that I want to meet a woman in a bar but the way things are going that may be the only place. I know – I’m sounding crazy. I keep thinking I’m going to meet this great woman in one of my motorcycle classes and we’re going to ride [bikes] together. I’ve been teaching for almost ten years and this has never happened. I know – there’s a first time for everything. There’s a woman who keeps trying to chat with me on a dating site but I need to subscribe in order to “unlock” my messages. But, I think if that was meant to be then she would have contacted me more when I was a subscriber. I told myself that if I didn’t meet and go out with anyone in a month from being on that site that I was canceling my membership – and, I did. So, I’m holding strong to my guns. The $$ it costs for that could be a good meal that I treated myself. It could be a couple of doggie daycare visits for Sadie. I don’t know – maybe when you get a dog it replaces having a girlfriend. I know – I’m sounding crazy again.
Sigh – anyway, I don’t have much hope……