i want love but I’d settle for poison

Have you ever wanted to be with someone so bad that it hurt?

I have. Two people, in fact.

I was a bit emotional going in to the show last night.  Emily‘s band was playing. I had seen her play with my friend, Hannah a few weeks back. After that show she had hugged me and thanked me for coming. Yeah, I thought she was hot.

Tonight, [other] Hannah and I pulled up a barstool behind Emily and her folks before the show. Hannah  said “Hi” because she knows her. I introduced myself again and Emily said she remembered me from before. I replied that I had met her at Hannah’s show and that we were now FaceBook friends. She remembered.

“Oh yeah, I remember. I sometimes post on other peoples walls and even comment but sometimes I don’t remember everyone.”

Of course you don’t, you’re a rockstar, I thought.

“Well, of course you don’t you have, like, ten thousand friends on there.”, I said.

That was when she gripped my arm, looking me straight in the eyes and said, “But, I don’t want to forget the Lanie Belluz in my life.”

I didn’t know what to think after that. Is she that good with her fans that she flirts with everyone? I don’t know what to think anymore. One minute they’re sending you naked pics but are still with their gf and the next they’re a rockstar gripping your arm and looking into your eyes. F!ck.

The show was great. I can’t even tell you. There were times where my mind went elsewhere during the songs. To my grandparents house, sitting on the porch and listening to the crickets. There were times when the songs ended, it seemed too soon and that I felt I had been transformed somewhere else. Somewhere special.

I fell for her even more watching her play and listening to her music. I could never be with anyone as great as that, I thought.

After the show, Hannah and I went up to her table where she was signing CD’s. I asked her what she had – she was talking about having bootleg CD’s and I wanted one. I handed her a twenty but she didn’t have change so she gave it to me.

“I know where to find you.” She said.

Hannah and I left and walked around the corner to have another drink. It was good but the whole time all I thought about was the show. Emily. The CD she gave me sat on the bar and all I wanted to do was go back to my truck and play it. Sit and listen to her sing.

Hannah – “Where are you parked?”

“I’m in the deck.”

“Ok, I’ll leave you here – call me this weekend.”

“Ok” thinking, ‘You’re a wing woman nothing else’

I got in the car and shoved the CD into the player and her voice filled the car.

As I listened to her sing, I got a wild hair and thought I would go back to the bar she played at. Maybe she’s still be there. Maybe I could talk to her. Tell her her show was amazing. She was amazing.

I parked in the back lot and walked up. I went up the stairs and though the doors to the back patio and there she was. The stool next to her was even empty. I pulled up and sat down. She was facing a group of girls, with her back turned to me singing something. She turned, slightly acknowledging me, nodding and went across the bar and wrapped her arms around a beautiful woman and sang in her ear. Oblivious to anyone or anything but her.

I slid off the stool and walked out. As I walked to my truck a tear rolled down my cheek. Of course I could never be with anyone as great as that. What the hell was I even thinking? I’m so stupid. To think any of that.

I got in and shut the door, starting the car and heard the lyrics of one of her songs play:

I do what I have to for love to survive 
I get through the night 
Get through the night 

I would love you to death, be your last sin 
Then die at your neck for still taking you in 
So close to you now and the rush of your gin 
I want love but I settle for Poison 

I do what I have to for love to survive 
I get through the night 
Get through the night 

I want Love but I’d settle for Poison

I leaned my head against the steering wheel and cried.

[Update: I still sent of a FB message to Emily saying “You were amazing tonight.” I never got my chance to tell her that after the show. This morning when I woke up a had a message back from her: “Thank you love! Thank you!!” ]


2 thoughts on “i want love but I’d settle for poison

  1. I still do want someone that bad but unlike you I don’t have the guts to talk to him. I’m hoping I will grow the balls any day now. X


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