the Ikea antelope

Last weekend Charlie and I bought a new bed at the pit of hell Ikea. First of all, one of the reasons I don’t like that place is because you have to follow the whole entire maize to get out of there. After a while it starts to feel like Hotel California and that you’ll never find the exit. Second, I had no idea you had to go collect all the stuff you want to buy and load it onto a cart. This includes furniture that weights twice your body weight, mattresses, dressers, chairs and antelopes – because, really who doesn’t want an antelope in their living room?

Fortunately, we got some help from one of the nice Ikea antelope helpers. As we maneuvered to the checkout counter with our 4 carts trying not to hit anyone or run them over with all our stuff I wondered how the hell we were going to get all of this into the truck. I just thought the mattress would go on top and the antelope would run along the side as long as we dangled one of those Swedish meatballs out the window (I mean, that’s why they sell those there, right?). Once we got checked out and maneuvered near the door Charlie went to retrieve the truck. After she backed up to the store another man appeared and assured us that we could get everything in – including said antelope. I think the antelope was relieved by this as it was very hot outside. In fact, he was already climbing in to ride shotgun and cranking up the air, his horns ripping into my roof upholstery as he sat down. The man took the mattress and folded it in half and threw it into the back. I climbed in and with my feet dangling out the back Charlie took off for home.
Well, once we got home the antelope didn’t want to have anything to do with us anymore. I think Bailey or Sadie called him a dildo head pissed him off so he took off down the road – kind of like that moose in Northern Exposure but not quite as impressive. So, Charlie and I were left to put the bed together with no help from him. I was hard pressed to get it done before the 3:00 game so I was all like, “This piece goes here. Here let me help you with that, hon. Want the drill? It will screw in faster with that.”
Screw faster, faster, fasteeeeeer…….
I was able to catch most of the game – probably the fastest I’ve ever put a bed together in my life. But, when the bed was together despite it SAYING we bought a QUEEN size it appeared to be just a double. Charlie and I squeezed in together that night her face in my armpit as I climbed in, “Move over will-ya?!”
“I can’t! I’m right on the edge!”
“Would you take your elbow out of my side?”
“That’s not my elbow it’s a hoof – that damn antelope came back.”

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