Aussa Lorens has challenged me to write a female [lesbian] version of her post “10 signs you’re dating a man-child”.
[cracking fingers] I think I can do that. I’ve dated plenty of women-childs in my life. But, I’m going to mix it up a bit and talk about a few women-childs I’ve dated and their hang-ups.
1. Woman-child lived in the basement of her ex gf’s house.
This would be Lee. [for those of you that have read for a while you probably remember all this] Lee had a house in Savannah that any hoarder would admire. Every room and closet was full of junk she had stored there over the years. Despite knowing that she made more $$ than I per year (I had helped her get that job) and owning her house outright (her parents bought it for her) she claimed she was too broke to pay over $500 rent in the city, therefore, had no choice but to live in her ex’s basement.
2. Woman-child only ate chicken wings, Caesar salads and drank Bud Light.
This would be Beverly. Like Lee she was also a hoarder. I never saw the girl eat anything but wings or a Caesar salad. Salads for light days and wings for party days – like when the Braves played. She was obsessed with baseball and had to have wings and Bud light every time she watched a game. Beverly was younger than I and obviously had a high metabolism – but, I could see the writing on the wall. I saw myself in 10 years sitting on her dog hair infested couch watching baseball, her eating wings and weighing 300 pounds. Ironically, she married a man after we dated.
3. Woman-child works with monkeys in some scary lab, has monkey giz thrown on her all day but still refused to ever have a frank conversation about (why we only had vanilla) sex and only wanted vanilla sex.
Leesa – short for crazy monkey woman. When a woman only wants a hand-job I’m very suspicious. Hand jobs do not make for lasting relationships. Sex should be messy and great – not vanilla and hand-jobby.
4. Woman-child is in her mid-thirties and is not even out to her parents.
This would be Kim who also was bi-polar and self medicated with pot. I’m also suspicious of people who are completely on their own but still aren’t out to their parents. I mean, what are they afraid of? That mommy and daddy will cut them off? Football season really did it for me – not only did she have to go to every football game of her alma mater with her parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles this was the time she would become straight again and I would melt into the woodwork. This relationship didn’t last very long (through football season) and ended with a screaming match in a restaurant – she had skipped her meds that day and her bong was busted.
5. Woman-child’s idea of a date consisted of playing Guitar Hero – to Metallica’s greatest hits.
Lee again. She even bought another guitar so we could play together. I told her that if that was her way of being romantic that perhaps she should keep pursuing all those other women she kept texting and calling from the dating site the entire time we were dating.
6. Woman-child never cooked a meal in her life.
Melinda had no idea how to cook a meal, make coffee or take out the trash. I believe she just thought all this happened through osmosis. One day I came home from work and the vegetable steamer was on the table filled with candy. When I asked her about it she said she had found this wonderful candy dish under the cabinet and thought it would be nice on the coffee table. She is now married to a lawyer and I’m sure she knows how to cook now.
7. Woman-child lies and takes drugs but despite all that my family loved her.
Sally was a huge coke addict. I dated her for almost a year before I caught her in the bathroom at one of the parties we threw doing coke. She swore it was the first and only time she’d ever did it. Despite all that years after we stopped seeing each other my sister and mother would constantly ask about her until one day the conversation went like this: “What’s Sally up to?”
“I don’t know – probably doing coke and getting thrown in jail.”
8. Woman-child’s messed up friends
Kim had all these straight guy friends who she hung with who all wanted to F-her. They were all these Bubba-white, good-ol boys that I couldn’t stand. Conversations with them was like, “Buuuurp – do you think Auburn will win against UGA? Pass me another Natty-Light”
Leesa’s only friends were her ex gf and her gf. Everything we ever did was with them. I’d ask if she wanted to go out and grab some dinner and she’d say, “Wait – let me call Lori and Lorraina and see if they want to go.” We couldn’t’ do anything without them. When it came to hanging with my friends she would put herself in a corner and not speak to anyone.
“Dude, I don’t think your gf likes me.”
“Dude man, just give her time – she’s just getting to know you.”
“DUDE – you’ve been dating her two years.”
Wow, two years of handjobs……I have to leave this.
Lee had no friends except her ex who she lived with.
9. Woman-child was religious but yet thought she was going to Hell because she was a lesbian
This would be Rebecca. Both her parents were devote Methodists and every time she got a gf they would tell her she was going to hell and cut her off. Her mother even self-published a book about her own daughter being gay and how hard it was that she knew she was going to hell even though she would never discuss it with her.
10. Woman-child’s weird relationship with her parents.
Lee again – I have so much material on her I could write a non-sex in the lesbian city book. Lee hadn’t spoken to her parents since she was three. (My psychologist friend had a hey-day analyzing this) I once visited Lee’s house in Savannah when her parents were there – nice people – very nice people but I witnessed Lee writing them notes back and forth and whispering to her mother when her father was in earshot. The whole dynamic was so weird.
Have you ever dated a man or woman-child? Did you ever ignore the warning signs only to kick yourself later?