I’ve been in a very black mood all week is why I haven’t posted. Fifteen years ago yesterday my mother died of breast cancer. Normally, I just let that day in history go by without a thought, some years I don’t even remember it until it’s already gone by and I think, No wonder I felt weird that day.
This year for some reason I knew it was upon me the beginning of the week. I dreaded the day it fell on because it was a day of an important meeting at work and I couldn’t miss it staying home all day in bed with the dogs. I rode in that day because Charlie had the truck. I thought as soon as I got out of my meeting I would slip out and just disappear and not come back because I’m on vacation after that. Which, I did. I had three projects to report on and I was already successfully through two of them. One more and I would be good. This one was even ahead of schedule – which, I proudly stated………only to be shot down by environmental stating that they have not received one special study of the many requested. Great. Both the consultant and I left the meeting thinking, This can’t be. We’ve submitted these. Which, we did – but, they hadn’t been logged into the computer system so they didn’t show up. I went down to environmental and found some nerdy guy who is the NEPA analyst for this project in a cubicle with walls of plans and documents stacked to almost the ceiling. The @ss-kicking I was about to give him verbally stayed on my tongue. I felt sorry for him – this department is the overworked, underpaid of the governmental entity (that builds roads – if that doesn’t give you enough of a hint) that I work for. He’s the fourth NEPA guy they’ve hired since I started back in February. They leave because it’s so much work and they make $42k a year. For the education requirements of the job this is peanuts. I was told he got handed the file two months ago and hadn’t even had a chance to look at it. It’s not his fault but I’m going to blame his boss for it because he’s the one who called me out.
I grabbed my stuff and walked down to the deck to my bike. I suited up, started and left. I was ready to start the weekend and it felt good to be on the bike. When Charlie got home that night we went out to our favorite little Mexican restaurant hole in the wall and had beers and toasted my Mom. Ashley who works there and hadn’t seen us in months was like, Where have you been?
Later, when she had stepped away from the bar for a cigarette some guy who was working there stepped up and asked us to move down to accommodate the trivia DJ. Ok, why does the DJ get to take up half the bar when he could sit at a table? When we scooted down the guy asked us if he could get us something else picking up the margarita glasses that the previous owner had left that we had moved into their spot.
I glared at him because I was already irritated that we had to move down and those weren’t our glasses – if he had cleaned the bar like he should have instead of messing around he’d known that. This is just the kind of BS I couldn’t stand this week. I was like, Get out of my face and that’s not my empty margarita glass. Where’s Ashley? She knows!
Anyway, I digress – I think the reason I’ve been thinking about Mom all week is because Charlie and I are getting married in a few weeks in New York.
Oh, I know she probably wouldn’t be there if she were alive. That it would be some weird thing to her that we wouldn’t have discussed. Although, I don’t think I could have stood it 15 years later the – don’t talk about it. I think despite her wishes we would have talked about stuff whether she liked it or not.
She would have said, Don’t tell your father you’re getting married to a woman in New York.
I would have said, F!ck my father. I’m 47 years old and I will marry whomever the f!ck I please. I have a right to get married just like everyone else. I deserve for once to have a big deal made over me on my day.
She would have said, Don’t talk to your mother that way.
And, I would have replied, Well, don’t talk to your daughter that way. I can say whatever I please and if Dad can’t handle it then that’s HIS problem. Don’t tell me what to do.
Like anyone really cares because everyone who did is dead. And, that’s the truth. But, what if she were still alive and had changed and had wanted to be there with Charlie’s folks and brother and brother’s girlfriend that he’s been with 10 years longer than Charlie and I and still hasn’t married.
My stepmother and I talk more than my sister and I and she knew before her that Charlie and I were getting married. She told me that she would have to find a good time to break it to my father. Break it to him, can you believe that? Like I have cancer or something.
And, when she did break it to him he said he didn’t want to know anything about it. Please. Really? I don’t think it’s the fact that I’m a homosexual marrying a woman that’s got him it’s the fact that he thinks I’m doing something to draw attention to myself and away from him. Because no one in the family really paid any attention anyway after Mom died -and that’s the truth.
My stepmother did ask if I was inviting my sister to New York and I told her in so many words, H*ell no. Because like my father it would become her event and we would have had to do everything she thought we should do. We would have had eat everywhere that she thought we should – and that’s the truth, too. She sent me a card for my birthday last month and it had a check for $300 in it. I thought, Wow, that’s so nice she’s being very generous until I read her note saying it was for both me and Charlie’s birthdays and a wedding gift. I mean, never look a gift horse in the face but – is it unreasonable that I was a little insulted by this? That Charlie’s birthday isn’t until the end of November and that she could have waited and sent her a really nice card with a check for $100 in it (1/3 of the original check – 1/3 for my birthday, 1/3 for wedding gift and 1/3 for Charlie’s birthday) when the woman makes a 6-figure salary? (Please tell me if I’m being selfish and I will let it go)
I mean, I get it. My family isn’t going to send Charlie and I on a honeymoon cruise to Bermuda. (I’m sitting back having a laugh over that one and it feels good to giggle) They are not going to get us a $349 KitchenAid Artisan 5-qt. stand mixer in red. I get it!
But, you know – it’s nice to think about and fantasize a bit – and, that’s the truth.