'Normally I'd be optimistic that we could work out a little problem like this.'

‘Normally I’d be optimistic that we could work out a little problem like this.’

We have a mediocre like love/hate relationship with our neighbors. They first moved into the house next door last summer. I have lived on the street since 1997 and am among only a handful of others who have been there before or as long as I have. So, I count myself as a veteran of the street. I remember the next door neighbor being alive who was the original builder of all the houses on the street. I remember when he passed and then years later his wife passing. Her name was Mildred. I loved having her next door because she was almost deaf and never complained of my drumming and parties. In fact, the only thing she ever complained of was a Tulip Poplar on my property that shed leaves onto her property. The woman almost couldn’t stand to have one leaf in her yard. Eventually, I took the tree down because it wasn’t in the best of shape and leaning towards the house.

After Mildred passed friends of her family purchased the house. I first came across the new owner named Carl who would constantly introduce himself, “Carl and Amy here, nice to mee-cha!”

This would be the moment that I would look around for “Amy” never to be found. Carl did a bunch of work to the house – even later when I’d see him he’d say, “Hi, Carl and Amy here how-ya doing?” Again, no Amy anywhere and to this day I’ve never met her.

But no one moved in for quite some time. Then finally two older women moved in – (well, in fact I only SAW one but was informed by the other that the second did exist even though she was a hoarder and never left the house.) Apparently, Carl and his invisible wife, Amy, were getting a divorce and Amy was renting it to one live person and another invisible like herself.

This arrangement was fine until I was sitting in my carport one night talking to Charlie (this was before Charlie and I were together and she lived in Florida) when the one who I had met – the non-invisible one –  just came walking into the carport in her nightgown telling me to keep it down.

It was 8:30.

Ok, in the history of living on my street NO ONE had ever told me to keep it down. That lady was lucky I didn’t shoot her after walking up like that because she scared the crap out of me. After that, every time she saw me she made it a point to stop and talk to me. I’d be walking Sadie and she’d stop and talk. It got to a point that when I saw her coming I’d run and hide.

Finally, her and the hoarder moved out because Carl and Invisible-Amy’s divorce was final and she was moving in. So, we thought. The house sat empty again for months which suited me just fine. Then, Charlie moved in and then the current neighbors moved in. I came home one day and found Charlie standing in the back yard talking to some man who introduced himself as Tim. I would later meet his wife DeeDee. At first, it started out ok. There weren’t any incidents or complaints that I remember that first year. They would let out our dogs and then we’d let out theirs. We had even hired Tim to let them out during the day while we were at work and paid him. Then, Tim got a job and kind of left us in the lurch to find someone else so we decided to make due with blocking off rooms and hiding anything that could be chewed by Bailey. We were glad that Tim got a job because he was starting to come around more and more. He’d pop into the carport with a drink and talk about his penis sex which made me uncomfortable. I even got up and left at one point because I didn’t want to hear it. I even said something to his wife about it. Then, one morning last winter when Ellen and I were doing the Hot Chocolate Race I had gone out to ask her if she wanted any coffee before getting into her car and going and apparently Tim had heard me ask that and had called my cell phone number telling me to keep it down. Ok, by the time I had gotten the message we had already left that’s how quickly we were gone.

So, later Tim quit his job and decided to stay home all the time – and drink. Last week we had Michale, her gf and friend from Maine over to play music. We were literally in the back of the house in my office – right up against the neighbors on the opposite side of the house singing, playing drums and being rowdy until around 10:30 – we did this three nights in a row, in fact and those neighbors never said a word. (I think they probably felt guilty that I was up with every one of their kids when they were teething so this was my chance to keep them up). But, Thursday when we finished playing in my office we went out to the carport to sit and take a breather. The night was winding down but we got to laughing about something and suddenly both my phone and Charlie’s phones are going off from the neighbors – Tim and DeeDee. I let the message go to vm but listened to the message of Tim saying, “Hey, can you keep it down over there?” and a text saying, “Time to move the party inside…..please.”

We all shut up and started whispering and everyone left after that. What really p*ssed me off about that was BOTH of them were off the next day – DeeDee going to the mountains with a bunch of her girlfriends and Tim – well, just staying home and drinking. It was Charlie and I who had to get up early and drag into work. That morning going out the my truck I almost wanted to drag out my crash cymbol and start banging on it under their window.

That weekend with DeeDee out of town Tim didn’t have anything better to do than bug us. Even though we partied like rock starts again on Friday and Saturday playing music and drinking there were no more complaints from Tim -probably because he was bombed off his @ss. Then, Sunday I’m getting ready to go to the store when he calls my cell phone. Why he doesn’t text, I don’t know. I hate answering the phone to be honest. I only answer when it’s 100% convenient (which, is almost NEVER) or I WANT to talk to the person on the other end (which, I could list only 5 people not including TIM!). I let it go to vm and like Tim it was the standard, “Hey, Lanie – call me.”

Never saying what the f*ck he wants or what’s on fire – NO! Hey, call me. I never called him back. I texted Charlie, OMG WTF Tim just called me see what he wants. I’M DONE!!!

Apparently, he’d run out of vodka and wanted to borrow some of ours. We only had a teaspoon left in our bottle in the freezer so when I got home I had to ride with him to the liquor store and listen to him talk nothing. Once home he said, “Hey, I’ll just go make a drink and come by.”

Charlie and I internally cringed. We hadn’t had any time to ourselves the whole weekend and wanted some down time together but we were trapped. Fortunately, he’s usually only good for one drink before going home to drink more.

This week at work has been really busy. I’ve been killing myself getting ready for all these end of the month status meetings. Yesterday, I’m going into a meeting when my phone rings. I don’t recognize the number so I let it go to vm. Later, after my meeting I pick up the message, “Hey Lanie. It’s Tim, this is my cell phone. Give me a call.”

I went into a rage. WTF was that bastard calling me at work during the day for? What the hell is on fire that he thinks he needs to Eff-ing call me while I’m WORKING! I still had a ton of stuff to do before I left and got busy. I never called him back.

Later, at home Charlie and I were hanging out in the carport talking when suddenly DeeDee comes strolling up through the carport  – like the previous neighbor in her nightgown – scaring the crap out of us. We talked for a bit – I was hoping the topic of Tim calling would come up because all I really wanted to say was, “What the Eff is Tim doing calling me while I’m at work?” But, nothing was mentioned.

So, now I think we need to build a fence and tell the neighbors to please text us first before coming over. I mean, really – is that asking too much?


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