I think I mentioned in passing that Charlie quit cut back her hours at the veterinary clinic to focus on the landscaping company. She reduced her hours and gave stupid bitch boss a month notice to find someone else. Then, it seemed the minute she stepped away from the hell hole it the landscape clients started to flood in.

A few weeks back one of our clients made a recommendation of us on the neighborhood website and emails and calls flooded in even more. Last week, we had consultations every evening except Thursday because we were so tired we needed a night off from it. I handle contacting the clients, estimating the jobs and emailing the quotes and taking payments and Charlie does the heavy lifting of doing the maintenance work. Some days she has jobs lined up and doesn’t finish until after lunch. The large cleanup jobs we do together on Saturdays. We both enjoy doing it and I know Charlie likes being away from that bitch in charge of her own schedule.

And, it makes for good blog material.

So, last week this lady contacted me wanting a bunch of shit stuff done – cleanup, bed prep and enlargement, a landscape plan and, hell, let’s talk about making a bed in the front and trimming up all this other shit. I mean, she was all over the place. Potential customers like this tend to make me suspicious because they don’t have a clear focus of what they want and I think they just want to pick our brains and then not hire us.

She went on to say this was going to be a birthday gift for her WIFE and she wanted it to be a surprise but knew it couldn’t be because how would she explain why we were there doing work and so, yes, she had to tell her and get her involved in the consult…..


I reluctantly set up a consultation and told Charlie she needed to come with me. We had two other people lined up before her/them. So, we went to the two appointments before them when I called – let’s call her Jane – when I called JANE to tell her we were on our way over she quickly explained that she was on the way to [college] to pick up her wife and that they needed another 45 minutes before they were home. I told her to text me when she was close and hung up.

What’s going on?

They need more time because she’s going to pick up her academic wife who probably has a stick up her @ss that, no, I will not give an estimate for removing and wont’ be there until after 6.

[The reason I say academic like that is because I’ve done my time dating academics and 90% of the time they think they are better and smarter than everyone else. But, not ALL academics are like that -just the ones I’ve had limited sex with.]

Let’s go get a beer at pizza joint.

Should we really have beer on our breath meeting clients?

These are lesbians they’ll probably be drinking when we get there.

So, at pizza place I got a call from JANE that they were on their way and would be there in fifteen minutes. I told her we’re on our way, hung up and took my time on finishing my beer.

We pulled up and I already started assessing the place. Of course with Georgia everything grows like a jungle and I saw shrubs on both sides of the house that were overgrown and the lawn seriously needing cutting. Out came Jane sticking her hand out and introducing herself and then introducing Janet (I always change names on the blog but their names are similar in real life which makes it even more uncanny).

Janet was exactly what I summed up previously. She wore pinstriped pants with a white button down shirt un-tucked like she just came out of giving a three hour antitrust law lecture and was ready for a gin and tonic and why was she standing in this hot yard talking to these lesbians about her fucking beds when she really wanted a Cartier Tank watch for her birthday and not some rototilling……..

Jane went on like a runaway horse carriage of WHAT ALL they wanted in the front and then we walked to the back and even more information was poured out on bed prep, fertilizer, landscape plan, landscape plants –

That was when Janet interjected on being particular on the plants she wanted in her beds. Another alarm sounded off in my brain. Usually, when people say this they still don’t know exactly what it is they want and can never give examples, either, but any suggestion that is made is shot down. In short, they’re never happy with anything. All they know is the buzzwords like organic, compost, sustainable, natural, etc. which means to me – pulling weeds, spreading manure, bugs, sweating and stinky…..

Once we were done and back in the car Charlie asked, So, what do you think?

I think I’m going to price it very high……how much do Cartier watches cost?


Because that’s what I think JANET really wants for her birthday not some “bed preparation”. Holding up both hands and wiggling my fingers like quotes.

Lol, I hear ya but if they take us up on it that’s all on you “Miss Landscape Architect”. Fingers like quotes.

So, I sent out their quote and haven’t heard back. I know they’re on vacation and there’s a slim chance they come back and take us up on it.

Knowing my luck, they will.




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