check the box chex mix

You know, you don’t have to check all the boxes and jump through all the hoops to be a good girlfriend. I give you permission to skip one once in a while -and this box, I say skip.

We were referring to Stiletto going to her girlfriend’s family’s memorial service for her brother – who passed 10 years ago. Yes. They still mourn his death every year on the day he died. Apparently, it’s a week-long thing.

Yes, but I said I would go.

I know you did but you can take a pass on this. You’ve been out of town for almost two weeks and now you have to go to this thing.

I said I’d go so I pretty much have to. It’ll be ok. But, next time I’m skipping the box.

I really doubt that Stil – but, ok.

It was probably best that I had the excuse for class being the reason we couldn’t meet up for dinner next week. She’s seen this woman for 9 months and we have yet to meet her. We’ve tried to no avail. There was the time we invited them over for dinner and darts and well, the girlfriend is on dietary restriction and only eats chicken with no sauce on it whatsoever. Grilled veggies? Probably not because it has olive oil on it and don’t even mention bread because that’s on a different bread planet beyond Mars. Plus, the darts are a bad trigger for the girlfriend who is sober like Stiletto. So, no darts, chicken, veggies and bread. Nothing. So, just come over and sit here while we eat. It will be fun – not.

I told Stiletto the date for the music party and she looked at her calendar and said that she’d be there but the girlfriend probably not because she was doing a 100 mile cycling race that day and probably wouldn’t make it.

Oh, well she can’t be around alcohol anyway so I didn’t figure she’d come.

Oh, she can be around alcohol but I have her blocked out for the whole day for some race she’s doing.

Weird she can be around people drinking but God forbid someone throw something pointy at a round board on the wall.

Next, we had happy hour plans with Benji who almost stood us up because she was talking to Simba on the phone – the first all week, I might add. I think Simba knew she had plans with us and decided to make Benji really late. Of course, she could have said, hey. I have to go. But nooooooo. She has to let this woman control her.

We were on drink 3 by the time she walked across the street (Yes, bitch we chose this bar for you because it’s so close to your apartment). We should have left because it was even worse when she got there. She was going to meet up with her later and play darts at another bar up the street. (Yeah, again thanks for asking!) She had that stupid mooney look she did the other night when she finally texted her.

I reminded her of all the nasty one–word texts she received this past week. Charlie lectured her about deserving more. Finally, we slid off our stools and hugged her and left. She’s is going to do what she’s going to do. I’m not even going to ask her what happened the previous night because I know she probably went home with her. Everything’s good now. I don’t need you guys!

Meanwhile, we’re having dinner with one of our more stable friend-couple tonight. It’s easy-peasy. Don’t bring anything just come on over (and at an early time, too) and hang. So, we’re doing that. I probably won’t go to the lake tomorrow because it’s been extremely hot here. Last Sunday, I about fried myself on the lake so I need to wait until it cools off a bit to go back out. I don’t want it to be the last time this season, though. I think after the 24th here it’s supposed to drop below 90 degrees so I may go out next Sunday. That is, if I don’t have too much homework.

Ok, I’m off to get ready for class. Happy Saturday and I hope y’all have a great weekend!

Cheers!

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running of the feet – and mouth

I bit the bullet yesterday and signed up for the Atlanta Track club. There was a race I wanted to do this weekend that if I joined I could do for free if I was a member. I went to their website and there a bunch of races they sponsor that are free to members. Now that’s done I’m going to be really careful not to hurt myself.

Ok, I have to admit something and tell me if I’m being unreasonable here, I can take it. Earlier I mentioned we had some peeps at our superbowl party that hooked up and messed up our spare room. I’m still kind of pissed over that. I mean, here’s how it went down. One of the motorcycle gals – Leslie hooked up with one of the pool girls, Lisa. (I swear everyone with that name is TROUBLE) Well, Lisa got really drunk, like, slurring words drunk. Her had Leslie had been talking all night and told both Charlie and I – and whoever else who would listen that they were going to go out on a date after that night. They liked each other and blah, blah, blah. I mean, don’t hold back y’all, whatever. Anyway, towards the end of the night when people were leaving Leslie asked Lisa if she was ok to drive. I mean, come on – the girl could barely walk without hitting the wall and part of me was thinking – do you really want to go out with someone who gets drunk off their face the first night you meet them? Really?!

But, who are you to judge, Lanie. [Holding hands up]

So, Lisa says that she needs a bit to sober up before driving home. I had asked Leslie earlier if she was going to take Lisa home – meaning to her own house and she thought I meant driving her to outside the fruitloop where she lives and said, “She lives all the way up in Norcross. I’m not going to do that. I’m not that kind of girl.” [whatever that means]

Charlie and I suggested that they could stay a bit and even crash for a while if they needed to, there was a spare room etc. and we went to bed. We both had to get up and go to work the next day. So, I just figured that they would make out a bit and either crash or Lisa would go home with Leslie who lived just down the street. The next morning we get up and 1. All the lights are on in the house. 2. The spare room has everything ripped off the bed all the way down to the mattress.

Ok, in the spare room [that we just changed the sheets] we have a down mattress pad, fitted sheet, regular sheet and comforter – all that was stuffed into the washing machine along with a couple of towels. 3. There’s no way our washing machine could handle that large of a load and 4. What the hell?! Someone offers you a place to sober up for a while and you’re going to mess up their whole bedroom?! Not to mention 5. EWWWWWW!! F-ing GROSS!

SO – after discovering all this I really expected a text from Leslie saying, Hey sorry we messed up your room and all…..

Nothing.

I finally texted them both asking if they made it home ok and had the unfortunate reply back from Leslie, “Yes, all good. The bed covers need to be washed [Really? No shit!] didn’t want to leave them on the bed, put them into the washer. Lordy….”

Ok, waaaaaay even MORE information than I wanted to know. I didn’t answer.

So, later I get a “We’re going out on a date any ideas on a first date restaurant in Decatur?”

So, because you used my spare room for massive sex I’m suddenly the lesbian Dear Abby of dating advice, too?!

abby

I had to bite my finger practically OFF to keep from writing – McDonalds drive thru – have fun!

ronald-mcdonald-96

But, I gave the same advice I give everyone for a first date – go dutch. That way there are no expectations and you know it’s mutual and not someone just using you to get a free dinner. Which, honestly, I thought that about Lisa because she happened to mention several times in her drunkenness that she gets around and that she’s been dating A LOT since she broke up with her last GF. I know Leslie doesn’t get around much and Lisa is probably the first women she’s been on a date with in three years. Then-

“Is there anything I need to know, that you know about her, heads up on anything important?”

Well, just that she’s a drunk slut but – YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT!

But, I wasn’t getting involved in that.

“She says she’s a bad girl, that’s ok too. We’ll play 20 questions at dinner, see if she thinks I’m too crazy to date.”

Oh, yeah maybe you should bring a Scattergories game, too. Yeah, Leslie you so crazy that a wild night for you is probably fermenting your tequila while you watch American Idol. You’re out of your element, girl, and you’re about to have a rude awakening. I just hope it goes your way, girl, I do.

I said, “Only what you saw I mean she got pretty wasted I don’t really know that much about her so go with your gut.”

“Thanks, Lanie was thinking that would be a good idea. And, I know she drank quite a bit. I’m more reserved with alcohol these days, getting older, wiser. I will keep you posted.

Please don’t. I don’t care. I’m going to send you a dry cleaning bill.

I thought I was done with it after that. Then yesterday I get a text from Lisa asking if she can swing by sometime this weekend and pick up the dish that she left. I wanted to say, No, I’m keeping it for trade of my dry cleaning bill.

I said I’d put it in the carport and prayed neither of us would be home when she stopped by because I really don’t want to hear about the date.

Then she wrote, “You doing alright? I have a date with Leslie tomorrow night. 🙂 “

“Yes, she told me.”

Again, I don’t care and I don’t want to know really and I feel the walls closing in on me on this whole, Can I stop by and pick up my dish from the party? 1. I don’t like people just stopping by and arbitrarily wasting my time. If people are coming over I need to plan for it.  I’m really OCD when it comes to shit like that. I think I get that from my father who would get out his shotgun every time the cable man came to the farm to try and sell him service.

I also got this from Angela who is an ex motorcycle instructor that always likes to talk my head off about how she’s quitting teaching (yes, we’ve all been saying that for 5 years now) and how she has a new job and is working on herself (I’ve heard this as long as I’ve known her – almost 11 years.) And, there’s nothing she can say that won’t exhaust me because she is just one of those people that can open their mouth for five minutes and  exhaust me and now she wants to come over to my house and trap me for two hours saying all this all over again just to get her lame-ass bowl?

“Hey, I’ll drop it by tomorrow night.” With the dogs in the car and the – Oh, I have to go the dogs are getting antsy.

“Also, can I have your blog address? I’d like to read your blog.”

How does she know about my blog? Yeah, I blew that one off. She’s not reading my blog.

So, in all this – am I being unreasonable about the spare room? Would you be all like EWWW, EWWW, EWWW!? And, do you have friends who you can only take in small doses?

 

a blogging challenge accepted

Aussa Lorens has challenged me to write a female [lesbian] version of her post “10 signs you’re dating a man-child”.

[cracking fingers] I think I can do that. I’ve dated plenty of women-childs in my life. But, I’m going to mix it up a bit and talk about a few women-childs I’ve dated and their hang-ups.

1. Woman-child lived in the basement of her ex gf’s house.

This would be Lee. [for those of you that have read for a while you probably remember all this] Lee had a house in Savannah that any hoarder would admire. Every room and closet was full of junk she had stored there over the years. Despite knowing that she made more $$ than I per year (I had helped her get that job) and owning her house outright (her parents bought it for her) she claimed she was too broke to pay over $500 rent in the city, therefore, had no choice but to live in her ex’s basement.

2. Woman-child only ate chicken wings, Caesar salads and drank Bud Light.

This would be Beverly. Like Lee she was also a hoarder. I never saw the girl eat anything but wings or a Caesar salad. Salads for light days and wings for party days – like when the Braves played. She was obsessed with baseball and had to have wings and Bud light every time she watched a game. Beverly was younger than I and obviously had a high metabolism – but, I could see the writing on the wall. I saw myself in 10 years sitting on her dog hair infested couch watching baseball, her eating wings and weighing 300 pounds. Ironically, she married a man after we dated.

3. Woman-child works with monkeys in some scary lab, has monkey giz thrown on her all day but still refused to ever have a frank conversation about (why we only had vanilla) sex and only wanted vanilla sex.

Leesa – short for crazy monkey woman. When a woman only wants a hand-job I’m very suspicious. Hand jobs do not make for lasting relationships. Sex should be messy and great – not vanilla and hand-jobby.

4. Woman-child is in her mid-thirties and is not even out to her parents.

This would be Kim who also was bi-polar and self medicated with pot. I’m also suspicious of people who are completely on their own but still aren’t out to their parents. I mean, what are they afraid of? That mommy and daddy will cut them off? Football season really did it for me – not only did she have to go to every football game of her alma mater with her parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles this was the time she would become straight again and I would melt into the woodwork. This relationship didn’t last very long (through football season) and ended with a screaming match in a restaurant – she had skipped her meds that day and her bong was busted.

5. Woman-child’s idea of a date consisted of playing Guitar Hero – to Metallica’s greatest hits.

Lee again. She even bought another guitar so we could play together. I told her that if that was her way of being romantic that perhaps she should keep pursuing all those other women she kept texting and calling from the dating site the entire time we were dating.

6. Woman-child never cooked a meal in her life.

Melinda had no idea how to cook a meal, make coffee or take out the trash. I believe she just thought all this happened through osmosis. One day I came home from work and the vegetable steamer was on the table filled with candy. When I asked her about it she said she had found this wonderful candy dish under the cabinet and thought it would be nice on the coffee table. She is now married to a lawyer and I’m sure she knows how to cook now.

7. Woman-child lies and takes drugs but despite all that my family loved her.

Sally was a huge coke addict. I dated her for almost a year before I caught her in the bathroom at one of the parties we threw doing coke. She swore it was the first and only time she’d ever did it. Despite all that years after we stopped seeing each other my sister and mother would constantly ask about her until one day the conversation went like this: “What’s Sally up to?”

“I don’t know – probably doing coke and getting thrown in jail.”

8. Woman-child’s messed up friends

Kim had all these straight guy friends who she hung with who all wanted to F-her. They were all these Bubba-white, good-ol boys that I couldn’t stand. Conversations with them was like, “Buuuurp – do you think Auburn will win against UGA? Pass me another Natty-Light”

Leesa’s only friends were her ex gf and her gf. Everything we ever did was with them. I’d ask if she wanted to go out and grab some dinner and she’d say, “Wait – let me call Lori and Lorraina and see if they want to go.” We couldn’t’ do anything without them. When it came to hanging with my friends she would put herself in a corner and not speak to anyone.

“Dude, I don’t think your gf likes me.”

“Dude man, just give her time – she’s just getting to know you.”

“DUDE – you’ve been dating her two years.”

Wow, two years of handjobs……I have to leave this.

Lee had no friends except her ex who she lived with.

9. Woman-child was religious but yet thought she was going to Hell because she was a lesbian

This would be Rebecca. Both her parents were devote Methodists and every time she got a gf they would tell her she was going to hell and cut her off. Her mother even self-published a book about her own daughter being gay and how hard it was that she knew she was going to hell even though she would never discuss it with her.  

10. Woman-child’s weird relationship with her parents.

Lee again – I have so much material on her I could write a non-sex in the lesbian city book. Lee hadn’t spoken to her parents since she was three. (My psychologist friend had a hey-day analyzing this) I once visited Lee’s house in Savannah when her parents were there – nice people – very nice people but I witnessed Lee writing them notes back and forth and whispering to her mother when her father was in earshot. The whole dynamic was so weird.

Have you ever dated a man or woman-child? Did you ever ignore the warning signs only to kick yourself later?

 

 

 

sandal relief & pre-birthday

Wednesday evening I came home from work and was greeted at the door by the dogs. Normally, we have been keeping them relegated to only the livingroom and my back office. For some reason the doors had been left open and they had been freely roaming the house.

Uh oh.

There were black pieces of rubber on the floor. I took a picture of it and sent it to Charlie with a, “I’m not sure what this is but it doesn’t look good”, text.

Upon further investigation I discovered the top portion of her sandal. Even worse the same sandal had been replaced when Bailey had chewed the former pair. (There must be something about these particular pair of sandals that’s she finds delightfully edible). This and the rubber pieces appeared to be the only things left of the sandal.

Let me back up – this was the day of my last rant so you can imagine the type of day I was already having.

My phone rang, it was Charlie. When I picked up she was cursing then asked me where the leather piece was. I told her to let me look around and I would call her back. I did and no, no leather piece meaning that it was probably in her stomach. I was told to watch her closely to see if she passed it.

The dog seemed fine to me. Her and Sadie went outside and played. I fed them and she ate just as robustly as ever. Poor Charlie was almost in tears with worry when she came home.

“She’s going to be ok. Let’s go get some Mexican food.”

(She was fine but pooped out bits of leather for three days)

This kicked off our week of fun (the Mexican restaurant not the sandal poop). We were headed for a three day weekend to celebrate an early birthday for me. Charlie had a slew of plans and surprises for me (even after Tattoo’s rant to her on FB for giving it away). Thursday evening we went shooting with Paulette and TC and afterwards went dancing at Country bar.  TC was celebrating her new job and I was getting started early on the birthday celebration. We danced and let loose. I had never seen my friends so laid back.

Friday night both Charlie and I needed a rest and she was still worried about Bailey so we stayed in and grilled out.

Saturday was Lanie spa day. Charlie colored my hair, plucked my eyebrows and gave me a full body massage and sugar scrub. (I think I fell asleep a couple of times). After that we got up and went to the grocery store to get things for our picnic the next day.

We ended up at Frogs so we could use our free beer coupons we had gotten running the pride race and it so happened that our favorite bartender, Cie, was there. There were two women sitting at the bar waiting on blind dates that they’d met on an online dating site. They were kind of annoying but yet funny in a way – definitely entertaining nonetheless. Cie was asking them about how they met the guys who were supposedly showing up. One girl said she’d been talking to one of the guys on match dot com and that he said he’d bring a friend if she did so she had asked blonde woman to my right to come with her. 

“What time were they supposed to be here?” Cie.

“Two-o’clock.” Brunette who set the date up.

“Girl, that was two hours ago. They probably won’t come now.”

“No, I just texted him and he said he’d just gotten up and needed to get in the shower.”

“He just now got out of bed? I don’t think I’d say that to someone I hadn’t even met yet. In fact, I don’t think I’d be late. Never keep a woman waiting for anything.”

Charlie and I were nodding at this. The guy already sounded like a pig to me.  Cia poured us another beer and we settled in for the wait. Finally, two guys came in and sat down (not even noticing that Charlie and I had moved over quickly to allow them seats). They were both in cargo shorts and t-shirts. Very uneven since both the women were in dresses. One of the guys held up two fingers and said, “Two Bud Lights.” Not even asking the women if they cared for anything.

Cie went around the corner to get the Buds. Only Charlie could see her when she mouthed “Douchebags” with a Bud Light in each hand. We covered our mouths laughing silently. They guys sucked down their Buds in record time and they all got up and left. The minute the door shut behind them we started talking.

“I can’t believe they’re leaving with them. Wonder where they’re going?”

“Looks like they’re heading off to one of the other bars.”

“Nope they’re standing there on the corner. Wait there’s brunette guy with a bottle in his hand leaving.”

We saw him pull around with the car and everyone got in.

“I can’t believe they’re leaving with those guys. I mean, they don’t even know them and they’re getting into a car with them? They could be serial rapists.” Me

“Well, if they’re here next week I will be sure to fill you in. You’re coming back to see me Thursday night, right?”

“We’ll try!”

More birthday stuff to be continued.

 

Lanie: So, Janice was very wasted the other night. I didn’t think she’d make it up the stairs to her house. btw – thanks for the drinks!
Bird Oh dear.. That was my fault we went to a birthday party and they had these liquor drinks with vodka, champagne, OJ and orange fanta. They were in these huge mason jars and I don’t do liquor anymore so she was chugging away on them. I bought her 3! I had a couple beers and a glass if champagne. She didn’t seem that bad when i left and she went to work monday… But that doesn’t say much she went to work after having a cancerous tumor removed an hour beforehand. Did she put out? Lol! Or did you just kiss her?? Haha!
Lanie: Well, she went in for the kiss when I reached over to let her out of the truck but I didnt go for it bc she told me y’all were together. I didnt feel good about it so I said, “Nah”. I think she just did it bc she was so drunk anyway – she only has eyes for you. Anyway, it was just a friendship thing anyway. Just a getting to know ya thing. No worries.
Bird: Haha! No worries I figured ya’ll would probably kiss. It’s no biggie to me she’s a big girl and I don’t think kissing is a big cheat thing anyhow. I told her you were a good kisser anyway maybe she wanted to see what all the fuss was about lol!!
Lanie: lol – probably – guess she’ll just have to keep guessing
Bird:Hahaha! Maybe so!
Lanie: so, you are still seeing each other, right? trying to make it work and all that?
Bird : Sort of, like I said it’s all about her career. She wants me to move in and get more serious and I like my freedom so it’s a push pull. It will be nice to get away to chattanooga for my long weekend at Deanna’s party with just the girls no girlfriend.

So, what do you all think? Is kissing cheating? I think so – why I didn’t kiss her. Despite all that – weird relationship. Janice only has eyes for Bird and I think if someone else came along that Bird liked more she’d be gone. Let’s hope she doesn’t fall in love in Chattanooga.

worst date

Well, my date with the good doctor turned out to be one of the worst dates in history. (Probably a strong second to the date at the Moroccan restaurant with the crying girl who told me her entire family was dead while some woman danced with a sword on her stomach – yeah, that one. To this day I hate Moroccan restaurants.)

I got out of work around 4 yesterday – hours before I was supposed to meet Janice for our date. I ended up meeting Alana for a few drinks before picking up Sadie from doggie daycare and going home to shower and get ready for my date. As I’m getting out of the shower my phone dings indicating a text.

From Bird (who I’d not told I had a date with her ex gf. I was leaving it up to Janice to tell her – to which she did.) “Hey, took your date to a bday party and we drank a little bit and she wanted to come to [date restaurant/bar] a little early she’s gonna walk home but I’ll be there for a bit.”

Great.

So, Bird is joining us on our “date” and she’s gotten her nice and drunk for it.

I texted back: “Ok, I can drive her home later if she wants.”

I texted Janice next: “Do you want me to come down there now or wait until 7?”

From Janice: “Now is good. I’m already here outside.”

“Ok, I can be there in 15.”

“Cool”

“Is Bird gonna hit me when I get there?”

No answer. Great.

I walk up to the patio and pull up a chair. Bird and Janice are sitting there nursing beers. Janice slurs “How was yer class?”

“Fine. Great. How are you?”

“Good, good.”

Bird always filling in the conversation goes, “Janice went to a birthday party with me and we just got back. I know you two are wanting to visit so I’m just gonna finish this beer and go.”

I was trying to read any signs in her voice that she was angry with me but she seemed to be fine. In fact, she continued telling a story of arriving at the wrong birthday party and running into her brother’s boyfriend.

Janice touched my hand and said, “That’s a pretty ring. Where did you get it?”

“Oh, I think pride one year.”

Then we all had to take off our rings and show each other. Bird finally downed her beer and got up from the table. “I have to hit the room and then I’m gone. I told Janice here that you were a good kisser.”

I was a little floored by that. She was drunk but Bird will say anything. She left and I was looking for the server to order another beer. I started asking Janice questions about her sons, work anything I could think of to keep the conversation going and not seem so distracted – which, I was. All I kept thinking of was “What the h*ll is going on here?”

Bird came back to the table to say goodbye and I gave her a hug and she left. Just then the server brought over another round that Bird had sent over to the table before she left. I started to loosen up. I thought, maybe she wanted me to hook up with Janice and get her off the hook. She sent a round over. She told her I was a good kisser. I relaxed more. I ordered a burger because I was starving but couldn’t get Janice to eat anything.

“So, I was wondering if you were going to tell Bird about our date.”

“Oh, of course.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, I tell her everything.”

“It’s good that you can still be friends. I mean, Bird’s one of the only ex’s I’m friends with.”

“Oh, she’s not my ex. We’re together.”

I had just taken a bite of my burger and almost choked.

“Whaaaa?”

“Yeah, Bird and I are together.”

“You mean you just got back together.”

“No, we were never apart.”

I put my burger down and just sat there. I didn’t know what to say. I think I was trying to swallow the bite of food I’d taken.

“What?”

“Well, that’s not what I’ve heard.”

“What did you hear?”

“I’d heard you two had broken it off.” Several times from Bird – I wanted to add.

“No, we’re together.”

“Ok then.”

I wasn’t hungry anymore and I wanted to leave right then.

“Aren’t you going to eat?”

“I’m not hungry anymore.”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong is that I never would have asked you on a “date” [holding up my hands and making a quotation gesture] if I would have known you and Bird were still together. I’m sorry I just misconstrued everything.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you knew.”

“What I know is that all I’ve heard from Bird is that you want to get back together.”

“But, we are together.”

I could see that this was a mute argument that I no longer wanted to have anything else to do with. It was obvious that both her and Bird were on different pages.

“I have to go to the restroom. Excuse me.” I shoved away from the table and walked inside and flagged down the server.

I gave her my card and said, “Please close out my check and send a take-out box to my table.”

I went in the bathroom and leaned against the door. I was angry and upset at the same time.

F*ck her. I should just leave her @ss here. She can walk home. Does this place have a back door? I sighed. Pull yourself together, Lanie. Compose yourself. I walked out. Janice had boxed up my food for me.

“Do you want me to drive you home?”

“Yes, that would be great.”

“Ok, let’s go.”

She stood up and stumbled. “Here.” I put her arm in mine and walked her to my truck.

“It’s much easier walking this way.” She said holding on to me. She really was drunk.

We got to the truck and I unlocked the door, shoving stuff off the seat.

“Your truck is a mess.” She said gaily as she hopped in.

“Yes, it’s a mess.” I agreed. Goddess, just get me through this.

”You’re going to have to give me directions. I don’t remember where you live.”

She directed me and shortly I was turning into her driveway.

“Thanks.” She hugged me and gave  me a kiss on the cheek.

“You’re welcome. Do you want me to walk you to the door?”

“No, that’s ok.”

I was thankful because I really didn’t want to turn off the truck and get out. My chivalry was waning.

She reached for the door handle but it was locked. I reached across to unlock the door for her and that was when she went in for the kiss.

I turned my head and said, “No. It’s not happening.”

“No?”

I sat back and stared out the windshield.

“Nope.”

She got out of the truck and I watched her walk up the steps and go inside. I pulled away willing myself not to burn rubber backing out of her drive. It was an effort. Instead, I just turned up the radio.

2011 recap

Here it is:

January 2011: Lee and I just started seeing each other. While I was waffling on whether or not to get serious I jumped right in to it. Probably because the first of that month we had a big ice storm in Atlanta and Lee was stranded at my house for three days and then towards the end of the month we went to her house in Savannah together.

February: Lee went off to Florida to see if Muscle Head  so she could still see if she was “the one” despite the trip to Savannah and being iced in at my house. We had a temporary break up that month – which, in hindsight should have been a permanent one. (But, we’re not going to get into regrets of ’11.)

March: I joined a pool league, went to Arkansas for a week of training. Lee and I got back together and met her parents at her house in Savannah.

April: I went to Dallas for training and had a blast. Lee and I went to one of her snotty tennis friend Kari’s party after running in a race and going to the 420 fest.

May: My pool team blew the chance to go to Vegas to the Meercats after beating them in the first round, Lee and I shared a room in Pensacola Beach with Sheila and Rachael and Lee was still messing around texting Muscle Head and had snuck off to see her in a race.

June: I bought a new motorcycle (well, new to me), Lee moves back in with the ex, I friend of mine passed away and Sarah and I meet up for some Dixie Attitude.

July: All hell breaks loose with Lee when Muscle Head comes to town. We went to Savannah together for my birthday thinking maybe it would make or break the relationship and it –

August: -broke. Newly single I briefly met Teri and went on a couple of really bad dates.

September: Went to Key West with Ellen and met Susan, Charlie and Jennifer down there. That month was probably the highlight of my year. Also, that month I met Creed,  Lee and I attempted to be friends, went to a concert together which ended very badly and I was completely done with her after that and last but not least I got Sadie. (Gosh, that was a very big month – no wonder all the other ones pale in comparison)

October: I went to a writer’s conference and pitched my book to six agents. Five of which wanted partials. I spent the whole month revising the first three chapters, writing a synopsis and learning the joys of puppyhood – which, wasn’t as bad as I thought to be honest. I went to a beer fest with my ex Bird who had recently came back into my life and did one day of lame-o pride in Atlanta and Lee approached me and later that month started stalking me.

November: I submitted my partials to agents, got a rejection from one and still waiting for the others (I was told it takes 3 months to hear back). Seemed like I worked a bunch that month – maybe did three weekends of teaching in a row. There was a lot of drama with friends and lameness that month. The highlight was Susan coming in to town and staying a few days before heading off to Oklahoma. I house sat for Ellen over Thanksgiving and braced myself for December and Christmas.

December: Is a pretty light month. I met Hannah and Cindy although the jury’s still out that I will continue to hang with either of them. My sister came down for the holiday and I survived that. Now it’s December 28th. I have pool on Thursday and it’s a tie breaker for third place. Wish us luck in getting that third place slot because we will be going to tournament if we do. Friday I may go hang with Bird. She had a pretty crappy holiday and asked if I wanted to come hang with her and have a few beers and bring Sadie. Saturday I may just lay low and rest up for New Years – which, I haven’t decided on what I really want to do. I think I may do the early show at Edies’ and see different Hannah and then go bar hopping with Bird. I got invited to Alana’s New Years party (practically the only thing I get invited to by them) but it was very boring last year. Lots of old, married couples -same people, doing the same thing. So, I think I will skip it.

what this woman doesn’t want

I am the only one at work in my section today. I have to admit it’s quite nice not having people around. After being stuffed up in that lodge with my sister and everyone else in North Georgia it’s nice to finally be alone.

Last night after picking Sadie up from Ellen’s we went home and she curled up on the couch in my office. (I think that she thinks it’s her office now.) I put laundry in, took out a Cornish hen out of the freezer and made some sweet potato fries to munch on over a movie. My phone buzzed and it was Cindy wanting to know if I wanted to go to the Elk’s club to play pool.

“Is this for real?” I thought.

Yet another thing to remind me of her age – only old folks go to the Elk’s club. I turned the phone off after that. I mean, not only is the age a factor she talks a lot about her ex and their breakup, her cats dying (I mean, mine just died and hers died like about a month ago -plus, I don’t want to MF-ing keep revisiting it.) – stuff that I just don’t want to hear. Already I’m annoyed and bored.

Speaking of annoyingness, Hannah has been calling me lately for the only reason of going with her to look at motorcycles. Last week when I saw her calling I thought maybe she wanted to take the dogs for a walk and go grab a glass of wine. No, she wanted to know if I wanted to ride all the way up to Jasper with her to look at this motorcycle. I declined saying that I had a ton of stuff to do before leaving town. Really, I had time for a glass of wine as opposed to a 6 hour round trip to look at some motorcycle.

So, yesterday I had just dropped my sister off at the airport and was relishing stopping off for a beer in one of my favorite pubs in Little 5 points when my phone buzzed. It was Hannah. She had texted me earlier wishing me a Merry Christmas, etc. So, silly me thought the same as above. Get together, walk the dogs, go have a glass of wine and again, silly me answered the phone. Same thing – Hannah asking if I wanted to run over to Emory with her to look at a bike. I had just dislodged my sister from up my rear, driven all day from North Georgia to Atlanta, taken her to the airport and just gotten back into town, hadn’t even stepped foot in my house nor picked up my dog from Ellen’s. So, no – didn’t think I wanted to rush off and go look at a motorcycle with her.

Now I’m starting to think that’s the only reason she even contacted me in the first place. Aside from that one time we met for a glass of wine she basically hasn’t called or texted me unless it’s motorcycle related. I’m being used to help her buy a bike which seems like a pretty crummy way to get to know someone. I’ve decided that I’m not answering her calls or texts for awhile.

I swear why do some women have to be such douche-bags or so annoying? I seem to be a magnet these days. I guess I just let people feel like they can unload on me or use me. 

I think I’m off women for awhile.

Christmas survival

I don’t care how old I am I am never going to wear a Christmas sweater.

I finally made it through the holidays with my sister. She flew in on Thursday evening and we had a rushed sprint to make the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo movie showing that night. I must say that was the highlight of the holiday. Although, I didn’t find this Lizabeth Salandar quite as hot as the one in the Swedish version but there were quite a few more scenes of her roaring around on her motorcycle in this movie. Plus, she had a hotter bike in this one not the duel sport she rode in the earlier one.

My sister and I were ensconced in this resort in North Georgia that had a restaurant, golf course (even though neither of us play) and horseback riding (again, neither of us ride horses). It was supposed to be nice and relaxing which it was but after a few days I started to go stir crazy. Thankfully, there was a sports bar downstairs and lots of football on this past weekend. Every time I said I was going downstairs to catch the game I had to hear my sister grunt about how much she loathes football. I told her then it was a good thing I had somewhere to go to watch and didn’t have subject her to it in the room and also that some people felt the same way about home decorating (which, she seemed to talk about endlessly).

By the last evening I was almost pissing down my leg in relief that the Packers and Bears were playing and I had an excuse of somewhere to go. When I opened the door of our hotel room to go I tripped over a tricycle nearly falling on a 4 year old who had been playing in the hall with her mother and grandmother (why they thought it was cool to play right outside our door is beyond me) to which they asked if they were bothering me which I replied that no, I was going to the sports bar to watch the game but thought, “They could keep bothering my sister.”

Earlier that day we were sitting in the big lobby of the lodge by the fire on our laptops and reading and people were milling about in their Christmas sweaters, drinking spiced cider and waiting for their dinner reservation in the restaurant. We had made the mistake the day before of sitting right next to the Santa by the tree and everyone who came by wanted us to take their picture sitting on his lap. I mean, even elderly men and ladies wanted their pictures taken (WTF?) as well as every little girl and boy dressed in their Christmas finest. I almost felt like I should start asking for tips or “Ok, I’ll take it if you get me a beer up at the bar – 420 in the bottle, please.”

My sister said, “I’ll give you $20 to sit on his lap.” To which I replied, “No F-ing way.” And, I did abbreviate it not because there were enough children around to fill up a Toys-R-Us easily but I was getting started early on my New Years resolution to abbreviate my curse words from now on. (It’s still too much to ask at this point that I refrain from cursing all the way – I do play pool once a week.) I relented and fell in a pile of large teddy bears in front of the tree and let her take my picture.

While I was sitting at the bar watching the game I decided to cruise FB and saw a picture of Cindy, the woman I suspected was too old for me and my suspicions came true. There she was in a picture holding a baby who could have been her grandchild (no offence to you Carla, you don’t look old enough to have a grandchild or wear a Christmas sweater) but was her cousin in a sweater one of my grandmothers could have worn. I put the phone down and thought, “Yep, she’s too old for me.” Her texts went unanswered after that. I’m doing the fade – sad, but true. Which, brings me to the things I did right last year and the things I want to do right this year.

The things I did right:

  • Broke up with Lee
  • Met a bunch of great authors and pitched my book to agents
  • Got a trainer at the gym
  • Bought my Triumph (which, after seeing that movie I’m going to put bar end mirrors on and make look really retro)
  • Went to Key West
  • Started playing on a pool league (and, we will go to Vegas this year in tournament if I have to practice every Wednesday and I will go up in ranking, too)
  • Edited the F out of my book
  • Made new friends

And, the thing I want to do this year is be choosy on who I decide to date next. I mean, I could have been out on at least a dozen dates by now but with people I could take or leave. I am resolved to hold out for someone I am as attracted to as much as I was to Teri but someone who treats me 100 x’s better. I know she’s out there and I will find her. No compromising and no regrets.

2012 bring it!

slimy

Well, I think I’m done with the girls for a while. I need a break from the b.s.

I went out with Shari on Saturday and while she is a very nice woman, I’m just not in to her. It was kind of a debacle if you really want to know. After seeing Teri on Friday night it went back to the same as right after our Wednesday night date. No texting, no communication, nothing. I mean, before our date there were many texts – the girl would take study breaks and blow up my phone with texts. After Wednesday not as many and it dropped back to one-word answers or replies. Saturday night I had shot off a text to her of: “How’s your day?” an innocent enough question without any reply. I couldn’t understand why it was like this since the previous night we had held hands under the table and kissed. I shook my head and put my phone in my pocket and went into the restaurant to meet Shari.

The place was crowded, as I knew it would be. Even though she had recommended this seafood place saying it was her favorite she kept referring to “slimy seafood” when I asked her if she like oysters. All I could think about was what Teri had said about loving them. I could almost see her and I shoved up to the bar digging in to a dozen with hot sauce and horseradish. My earlier conversation with Edith consisted of this:

“Man, I’m going to order a dozen and slurp them right out of the shell in front of her.”

Dude. You don’t want to do that if you want to be kissed. I wouldn’t kiss someone who ate those in front of me – especially, thinking they were disgusting and slimy.”

“Maybe I don’t want to be kissed.”

“Isn’t there anything on the menu that you can get that is safe? Like fish tacos or something?”

I shrugged, “Ok, I like their catfish tacos so I could order them.”

“Good girl!”

As I was looking around for a place to sit Shari texted me saying she was there. I looked across the bar and she had taken the only available seat. I walked over and stood behind her until she looked around and saw me standing there and said, “Hi!” I stood there and talked to her while she sat. She wasn’t ordering a drink but I wanted one. I had put my name in for a table on the roof like she wanted and told her so. Just then the guy beside her paid his tab and got up and I slid onto the stool.

“We could eat here at the bar if you wanted.”

“Sure, I mean it doesn’t matter to me either way.” I said.

We ordered an appetizer of steamed shrimp and scallops. “You can eat the scallops since I think they’re slimy, too.”

I was already reaching my threshold for hearing that word but ordered a drink and let it go. I mean, what if I wanted some shrimp, too? Just as the appetizer was sat down on the bar in front of us my phone vibrated signaling that our table upstairs was ready.

“Hey, that table upstairs is ready. Do you want to go up there or stay here?”

“Oh, lets go up there. I really want to sit up there.”

So, I got up and went over to the hostess stand and said we’d be up as soon as we closed out our tab at the bar. I went back to the bar and signaled the bartender that we needed our tab.

“Do we need to close out with you before we go upstairs?” I asked her.

“Yes, you do.”

There was no offer to transfer our tab upstairs or to take our food up there. After paying for the apps and bar tab (I had offered since I had had a beer) I had to carry the food upstairs to our table myself. Since I had my hands full with my beer and our appetizer I didn’t get the silverware or napkins. Shari never got them, either. I hoped that there were some on the table. When we got there no one was there to seat us so I just grabbed the first available table with no silverware.

“Oh, that ceiling fan is blowing right on me and my hair is everywhere do you think we could sit somewhere else?” Suddenly, the evening was getting very stressful with the musical chairs and the fan. I signaled the server if we could move and she said, “No, I’m expecting a party of 25 here soon and this is the only available table.” I just looked at Shari like ‘what do you want to do?’

Shari asked the server if she could get up on a stool and turn the fan off. I could tell the server was getting impatient when she said, “Ok, but if I turn this one off then they all turn off.”

Since upstairs is considered sitting outside and it’s been in the upper 90’s in the city I really thought it was asking a lot of the other patrons there to not have any circulating air going just so Shari’s hair wouldn’t blow around a little but I didn’t say anything. The server compromised and got up on the stool and turned it down a notch in speed. I sighed with relief that we weren’t going to be sitting in a bog of heavy air during dinner. We hadn’t even touched our appetizer yet.

I opened up the parchment paper the seafood came in and popped a scallop in my mouth since we DIDN’T have any silverware and Shari went “Oooh, slimy.”

“Actually, they’re the same texture as the shrimp. They’re good!”

“It’s ok, I’m trying to watch my weight anyway. I lost over 100 pounds and am still trying to take off a few more pounds.”

It sounded like she was insecure about her weight. I thought she was attractive and who was I to tell if she needed to loose some more weight or not. I decided to compliment her to possibly make her feel more at ease. “Hey, you look great!”

“Thanks, but I used to weigh over 300 pounds. I had to have the skin cut off my arms after losing all that weight. The scars from my surgery are still healing that’s why I were long sleeves.”

‘This is a nightmare.’ I thought. I had suddenly lost my appetite. I covertly looked at my watch and sighed inwardly. We hadn’t even ordered our entrees’ and already I was ready to go. I changed the subject to hockey and other sports then when she mentioned the weight thing again I changed it to politics – which, I only talk about in last ditch efforts to change the subject. Honestly, I loathe talking about religion and politics but it was a desperate moment here. I felt sweat trickle down my back. ‘I have to get out of here.’ I thought. Our entrees’ finally came – her salad and me fish tacos. I still felt like I should have gone with my gut and ordered the oysters but couldn’t take another slimy comment.

“Can I get you desert or anything else?” the server asked.

As I was getting ready to say, “No, the check would be great.” Shari piped up and said, “Oh, the bread pudding would be great. Do you want to split it with me?”

The thought of some hot baked item steaming on a plate after I had been sitting there sweating all night from the sluggishly slow ceiling fan was the very last thing on earth I wanted but I shrugged and said, “Oh, well I don’t really do deserts but I will have a couple of bites. I’m really full though.”

“Ok, let’s get it.”

The server went off to put in the order and I sighed again inwardly and looked at my watch. This was going to take forever and what were all the ‘watching my weight’ comments if she was going to order desert? Desert arrived 20 minutes later, which she took two bites of and left laying on the table. I had debated on ordering another beer but decided not to. I resigned in the conversation of politics and weight loss like an inmate in a maximum-security prison I was just doing my time until I got out. When she excused herself to go to the ladies room I signaled for the check and immediately picked up my phone and replied to a few of my friends who had texted “How’s it going?” I texted back. “Desert done. I’m out.”

“Where did you park?” We had walked outside and were standing in front of the restaurant.

“Oh, over there.” I pointed in no particular direction. I didn’t want her walking me to my truck and putting the ball in her court to kiss me. I did not want to be kissed. I regrettably thought about those oysters again. Never again would I compromise something I really wanted just because of the possibility of getting a kiss – one that turned out that I didn’t want. “Here, let me walk you to your car.” I offered in hopes of putting the kissing/not kissing ball back into my court.

We walked further down the sidewalk and she pointed to her car across the street and said, “There’s my car.” I never looked that way so I still don’t know what she drove. “Well, I’d better get home and get on the treadmill. Got to work off these calories.”

“You’re going to work out at this hour?”

“Oh yeah. I keep weird hours and you know I’m still trying to drop a few pounds this week and it’s not over yet.”

“Ok, well have fun. Nice to meet you.”

“It was fun. Let’s do it again. Call me.”

‘Right, when slimy oysters fly’. I thought. “Ok, drive safe.” And I turned around and practically ran walked the opposite direction, which was the long way to my truck.

********************************************************************

Today, I got up and did some things around the house and then went out to get lunch. I checked in on FB and noticed 30 minutes later that Teri had checked in to another taco place up the street. I still hadn’t heard back from my text from the day before. Later, I texted her:

“Hey, what are you up to? Do you want to go for a ride?”

Her reply: “Hey…Believe it or not I’m studying. I’ll be available for fun activities after 9/7!

I put the phone down. I’m not so sure I’m going to be available then or anymore for her. I’m no dummy. I get the drift. She’s just not that in to me – despite the test. Things changed after Wednesday. I never should have ended up in bed with the girl. For once, I regret it. I regret even putting myself out there and opening myself up yet again for disappointment. I am so over everything. Lee, bad dates, being blown off by a girl that I was really excited about getting to know. I’m done for a while.