gone are the days

Why is it when I have a hangover  I’m awake at an ungodly hour? Everyone else is sleeping away their hangovers except me and the cat. The cat is bitching at me right now to be fed. I’m ignoring him. He can wait. I have important shit to write.

Last night, we all met up at the pub for Martha’s birthday. It was a surprise party that Dino had arranged. She called earlier in the week and ordered us to be there and asked if I would make sure Link knew about it. I was like, I’ll tell her but she can call or text that she’s coming herself. I’m not planning shit these days because between my two classes I don’t have time for anything but working on the assignments and trying to understand what the f*ck it is that I should be learning.

Of course, Mike and Celia were there. I had given myself a talk about not letting Mike get under my skin prior to getting there. Plus, Charlie’s ex gf was there because she’s met Martha all of two times and thinks they’re bosom buds. We knew J-mac was going to be there and just said, Oh well. I invited B Ferris because I knew that Martha would want her there and vice versa. Link had ridden over with us and Stiletto had shown up later to buffer join the party. Both Rooster and Shutter came as well.

So, when we walked up of course Celia was outside smoking with her and Mikes live-in Sarah (who is very strange) I really didn’t want to hug them because I didn’t want cigarette smoke on me but I did.  We went in and sat down – fortunately, there were a lot of seats to choose from so we ended up sitting at the opposite end of the table than J-mac. Mike just happened to be sitting in the middle and by the time Martha came in she took a seat at the end of the table as the head since it was her birthday leaving one chair beside Mike and a chair at the other end of the table next to me open. We were all sitting there talking and waiting for B Ferris and Christie to come before ordering food.

Dino came over to say that she was glad that I invited B Ferris as she said it wasn’t on her radar. It’s been almost a year to date since the whole nudity situation from Martha’s last birthday. I’m still not over it entirely. I still think, If you ever touch my wife again there WILL be consequences. 

Just then, B Ferris walks in and plops down in the chair beside me after hugging Charlie and I. That’s when Mike lost her shit.

YOU CAN’T SIT THERE BECAUSE CHRISTIE IS STILL COMING AND SHE’S VERY FAT AND WONT BE ABLE TO SIT IN BETWEEN ME AND [SHUTTER] HERE.

Every time Mike speaks its like a shout. Not sure if she needs to be fitted for hearing aids or what. And, how disrespectful to Christie talking about her weight like that at a full table of people. I’m sure if Christie would have known that she would have been mortified.

B Ferris just looked at her and went to get up and said, I don’t think so I want to sit here.

YOU CAN’T SIT THERE THAT’S CHRISTIE’S SEAT! YOU NEED TO COME SIT OVER HERE NOW.

I was getting pissed. I put my hand on B Ferris who was looking like she wanted to burst into tears and said, It’s ok stay here. 

B Ferris had just lost a beloved cat and was having a rough time so I’m sure Mike’s outburst caused even more distress. I was about to shout at Mike to cut her some slack she’d just lost a cat but I was afraid that would push Ferris over the brink and she’d leave and I wanted her to stay. Rooster and Shutter also chimed in that they could make room when Christie gets there no worries.

Mike then pointed at B Ferris and said, I’M NOT GOING TO FORGET THIS.

Like it was a threat or something. All I could think was WTH?! If she would have said that to me I would have been in her face so fast she wouldn’t have known what hit her.

B Ferris said, I think I need to go outside.

I knew if she went outside she’d start crying and then leave. I put my hand on her back and said, You’re fine, stay here.

I think Rooster and Shutter chimed in again that they’d make room and the subject was finally dropped and people were starting to look at Mike like she was the asshole that she is. Yeah, Link and Stiletto say it’s just because she’s from New York. I’m like I don’t care where you’re from -rude is rude. I get tired of every time we all get together either Mike is an ass or Dino has to get handsy or naked. People say, I don’t’ understand why you don’t ever want to do anything with them.

Really, people?

There are so many other friends who behave themselves and are a joy to be around why do I have to put up with that shit? Anyway, we all got through it but if I have to hang out with them in the future I’m going to start calling them out on their shit. If Mike starts talking rude to me or someone else I’m going say, Mike stop being rude and call her out. If Dino decides to grab my wife’s crotch like she did at Rooster and Shutters show that one time I’m going to immediately get in her face and say That’s not appropriate, keep your hands to yourself. Gone are the days of not saying anything. I mean, sheesh, am I being unreasonable here?

I have two more freaking days until vacation. WHOOP! I need it! I’ve been working on what seems like 100 labs to get ahead in school so I won’t have to be hitting the books while we’re gone. If I don’t talk to you before then I will see you on the flip-side. Cheers!

 

 

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Cruisin’

What does Melissa Etheridge think when she’s performing on an all-exclusive lesbian cruise? As women dance around in their bikini tops and cutoff jean shorts with their Bud Lights in cozies does she think, I’ve really made it, man!  If I die right now then my destiny will be fulfilled.

Do you think she thinks that?

There was a point where I thought it would be fun to go on one of those cruises. Melissa Etheridge, Sarah McLachlan and a few other notable mostly female artists play. I bet Sarah M is like, Yeah, pick me up in this port, I’ll play and be on to the next thing. I really doubt any of these artists stay around for the entire cruise.  I guess there would be some pros and cons to an all lesbian cruise. Let’s list them starting out with the pros first:

You wouldn’t have to worry about the opposite sex trying to pick up your wife

Lots of good music if you’re in to a mostly all women lineup

You have the biggest lesbian bar right there

You don’t have to take an Uber across town when you’re drunk

I’m sure there’s activities outside of Bud Light and music?

Maybe there’s food, too and shore activities.

 

Ok, the cons:

Even though you wouldn’t have to worry about the opposite sex trying to pick up your wife the same sex could be trying. I’m sure there’s quite a few single women on that cruise. It makes me wonder what the percentages are. I mean, does a single woman who lives in a po-dunky town that’s dated all of the fish in the small pond think, I’m gonna go on a Melissa Etheridge cruise and meet the woman of my life and get married.

Do you think they think that?

Then – they could possibly run out of Bud Light. I’m sure the company stock goes up during cruise times. Do they stop in different ports and load up on xtra Bud? Does Sarah M come on board with the Bud Light load in San Juan?

These are important questions, I know.

The cruise is for 8 days – that seems a bit long to be locked up on a boat with all lesbians. Plus, 8 days of Bud Light doesn’t seem appealing but – there’s always the shore excursions you can go on to get away – but I’m sure they cost $$.

Plus, your ex could be on board. (Mine is, actually – another reason I would never go on one of these – she’s always there – she’s the fish in the small pond scenario – really there to stalk Sonia Leigh – poor Sonia L – everywhere she goes there’s my ex stalking her. Oh well.)

Do you think there’s women who get on board and realize their ex is on the cruise, too, and they spend all their time trying to avoid or hide out from that person? Like this:

OMG there she is over by the stage left – when Halcyon comes on we are so outta here. Let’s go down and hide out in the casino.

I can’t believe you ever dated her – why is she here anyway. Hey did she ever pay you back the $20,000 she owes you?

No, and that’s probably how she could afford to go on this cruise and be with that ho-bag that’s all over her.

What, are you jealous?

Hell, no – we were never going to work.

Shit, I think she just looked right at me.

Nut-huh, she’s too busy licking that girl’s neck. Ew!

Don’t look now but here she comes!

I’m sure this happens on every cruise. I’m sure the people who work on that cruise need a year off in between cruises to recuperate from all the drama.

Do you think Sarah M and Melissa E meet up for drinks after and say, Did you see that one woman throw her Bud Light at the woman who threatened to jump off the ship if they didn’t get back together? I didn’t think we were going to make it this time, Melissa, I really didn’t.

I honestly don’t know why I keep doing this, Sarah. I keep hoping that I’ll meet the love of my life on one of these things but I’ve got a Chrome Plated Heart.

 

 

friday chex mix – and, another prayer

Friends and Working Out 

Last week, Charlie went to Florida to see the kids and I stayed home and maintained home life with the dogs. Unfortunately, while she was gone we did not have a working dryer. Since I was watching Link’s cats I hauled washed clothes over there to put in her dryer. Saturday, I went to Incubus with Emil and this new girl -I don’t know new girl enough to give her a name. Maybe Nicole – that sounds like a straight girl name, doesn’t it? So, the plan was Emil picking me up and almost killing us in a car accident on the way to pick up Maybe-Nicole to go have dinner prior to the show. I was initially a little skeptical of the evening because originally when we met Maybe-Nicole she didn’t make the best impression on me nor Charlie. I had already told Emil that if I felt like a 3rd wheel then I was outta there. Maybe-Nicole just broke up with her live-in boyfriend and was dipping her toe into the lake of lesbianism with Emil.

[I don’t know about you but is there a gong going on in your head saying DANGER, DANGER, DANGER?]

But, the evening went well – we- um – had some special brownies that kind of enhanced the show. Along with some whiskey that I had snuck in in a special compartment in my bag with pads and tampons thrown on top. All weekend I practiced guitar to no avail. Despite my fingers developing some great calluses on the tips I still suck at guitar. I really do. I will leave the performing to the pros. Emil was supposed to rehearse with me all weekend but she got caught up in this Maybe-Nicole girl. At one point during that evening we were talking about work and Maybe-Nicole trying to make a better impression and be nice asked me what I did. I explained pointing to the wires above that provide service to everything that was around us (so that should tell you I work in utilities and engineering) and Emil said, I don’t think I ever knew that about you. Here’s what I wanted to say, Because every damn time we’re together all you’re talking about is your ex is why. 

I did not say that, of course. But honestly some of our friends they’re either falling off the map because they met a girl or all they have to talk about is said girl. It’s gets so one-dimensional and boring after awhile. Seriously, can we contribute anything to the conversation aside from who you’re screwing, thinking about screwing or wanting to screw right now?? I’m tired of it. It makes me want to start another Meetup group – one of serious conversation or one that people get out and actually DO something other than talk about Tinder. It’s one of the things I really appreciate about some of our friends who do provide thought-provoking conversations that are not always about themselves. I need more of that to feed my brain.

I’ve been going to Orangetheory every night this week to make up for my eating and drinking debauchery of last week. I love it and the more I go the more I want to go. For some reason the subject of our friends and how no one in our group really works out came up last night. Charlie, being the lucky one in landscaping all day doesn’t have to pay for an elevated heart rate and lifts weedeaters and saws in place of dumbbells said, Sure we have friends who work out.

Who? Who do we know other than Todd and Christie who live in Dahlonega and cycle and run all the time do we know?

Neither of us could name anyone. It’s part of the social aspect of why I like group fitness is the outlet to talk to other people who are trying to get fit like myself. (Believe me, I’ve asked some of our friends to come with me to the gym and they look at me as if I’m asking them to join a cult or something. They sort of back away shaking their heads, trying not to trip and fall backwards.) It used to be competition when I was in bootcamp but not so much where I go now. Although, every time we have a rowing competition in the gym this one burly guy always wins it. But, then I think – maybe this is the only thing he wins ever – so then he deserves it. I think most of these people, myself included, could be across the street at the pizza place drinking beer and eating a pie with pesto crust and instead they’re in here sweating their bums off. Working hard. Yes, I’m bitter about the pesto crust as I row and look across the street at the pizza place. There should be a law against putting a Mellow Mushroom across the street from an Orangetheory – it should be a zoning law. Like not being aable to put Industrial next to Residential.

Parties

Charlie and I are getting ready for our music party the Friday after next and going to see our friends in Asheville. We’re still planning food and drink but think we have a handle on it. I know next week is going to be hectic preparing. There’s little things that tick me off about inviting people to parties – like, not RSVP-ing. EVER. Or, when you ask them to they put a comment like, Oh sorry I forgot about this and I made other plans. 

I know it’s a fact of every party thrown that there are always going to be people who never respond without some major arm twisting. Then, there are those who say, We don’t know yet? These are the people who still haven’t made up their mind if they’re going to go to work or not tomorrow. Everything is “We’ll see.” 

Ok, we’ll see if we invite you to the next party, how about that?

This weekend is anything goes – we don’t (at least I don’t think we do) have any plans to speak of but maybe it will be getting ready for the following weekend. Even without the “We’ll see’s” or “Maybe’s” we still have about 20 people confirmed.

Prayers 

In all the mix Link has to have a surgery tomorrow so please send positive thoughts and prayers or even energy today for our dear friend.

 

early friday chex mix

It’s a rainy evening here in Georgia.

Not that I’m complaining of the rain – never. We have grass seed in the back that needs to germinate and I desperately do not want a drought this summer. Yes, I’d take rain any day over a dusty summer. I do realize that we’re still in spring and not quite gotten to summer just yet. I am not rushing it, either. I enjoy these lush, spring days (now that I’ve gotten over the high pollen count with two sinus infections). Charlie is feeling a little under the weather today – something she ate last night, perhaps. It was date night tonight and we went to have pho and then straight home. She has fallen asleep in front of the TV watching some documentary about Africa.

Vacation, f*cking vacation.

I want to be on vacation, honestly. I want to see beaches and smell the salt in the air. We leave for Florida the end of next week and it cannot get here soon enough.

Happy hour.

It’s impossible to get everyone together anyhow for this. I feel like I constantly be the communicator, the planner, the organizer. Maybe one HH a month is enough. We got quite a few 3 people over last week for it but this week we have a bunch of maybes and rain. Maybe’s and rain = Meh, forget it.  Sometimes it would be nice to sit in a cozy Irish pub by a fire (Hey, Marley House) so if it’s raining tomorrow we go there – that is, if Charlie’s feeling better.

We have this friend.

Who I will name DD for Dreary Debbie? Debbie Downer is too common. Desperate Debbie? Yeah, more like that. The girl puts a whole new meaning into that word desperate. Deeeeesperado…….why don’t you come to your senses…….

-it’s like that, y’all. She’s been chasing a dream with two legs for seven-sevenfucking-YEARS to no avail who treats her like a laundry basket or one that holds magazines. Every once in a while you kick it when you’ve had a frustrating day – that kind of basket. So, when she’s Desperate Debbie basket she gets on Tinder.

No good can come from a DESPERATE women in her mid-40’s being on Tinder.

NO GOOD, PEOPLE. No good…..So, you can just imagine the types of people she’s talking to. The ones who ask for money after the 50th text, no snapchat-asses. These are probably men in their mid-50’s using their 20-something year old nieces pictures to elicit money and sex on the internet. We have lunch with Debbie sometimes on the weekends and she shows us dozens of pictures of ho’s women she’s talking to on the internet. Then she gets all depressed that she’s not meeting someone and in the same breath says she’s going to see the woman who treats her like a basket for dinner. We say, Why, why, why, Debbie? You’re going to be on Tinder when you’re FIDDY (50). You don’t want that to happen. You won’t able to swipe left or right because you’ll have arthritis by then from swiping so much. Stop being desperate, Debbie. Stop.

Even Benji had problems with Tinder. Her Tinder woman went cra-cra, said she didn’t want to see anyone and then dropped off the face of the earth (but, probably not off Tinder). They had planz, too. Like going out of town and to a (teeny-bopper 20ish) concert which didn’t happen. Benji was so depressed that she didn’t go – even after trying to talk her into going and giving the xtra ticket to some hot 20-something and having fun. She stayed at home and moped. I would have gone if I were her.

Work. PMP. What am I doing?

I don’t know. We had a “team” meeting on Tuesday and we were told that they found enough old geezers people to take an early retirement that they wouldn’t have to lay anyone off. This is a relief because I’m still trying to find a way to get a promotion to a different department and it’s proving to be equal to landing a federal job interview. That difficult. I know it’s only been a couple of weeks since I got certified but I hope this PMP thing holds more weight than it is holding so far. Part of me doesn’t know what to do with all this spare time I have now from not having to study. The other part is like, what’s next? The company has all these online training classes on Agile Scrum and if I take 22 of these things and take their test I get their company bronze certification in Agile Scrum (notice I said company – by no means is this the nationwide scrum master cert) so I’m doing it so I can add it to my company resume. I’m going to take six months and keep applying and if I don’t get any interviews then I’m going on to another certification – scrum master, Agile, or even Leed. Something.

So, that’s all I got. I hope you enjoyed the snippets of topics – we’ll call it an early Friday chex mix. Y’all have a great weekend! Cheers!

 

the wedding slinger

This was the sort of Monday that I wished to stay in bed and sleep in. We made it through the weekend of Dino and Martha’s wedding. We hugged so many necks I’m wanting to go home and o.d. on Emergen-C packs.

Friday evening was the bachelor/bachelorette part(ies). The later consisted of Hollis C. Literar driving all the girls up to this spa where they got naked and women scrubbed their bodies. In hearing Stiletto explain this is worthy of a SNL skit. Especially, the part where she’s talking about the spa for the –uh-groin area only. I was sitting there wondering if one would add in some spices like olive oil and basil if they knew they were going to get some action later.

I was to drop Charlie off at the pub to rendezvous with the girls and go on to have dinner with Drewberry and meet up with them later at the Claremont Lounge. When we got to the pub we decided to have a few beers before she left as the spa didn’t allow any alcohol – probably to keep everything hydrated you know what I mean? Cant’ have a dry hootchie or else there will be more treatment.

Once there, Stiletto came in from the back porch saying they were having a pre-rehearsal dinner and everyone was out there. We kind of wondered why we didn’t get invited as it would have been nice to meet Martha and Dino’s extended family and Creed who I haven’t seen in 5 years as well has Rhoda and her new gf. But, according to Stiletto it was only for the family and people in the wedding party. Ok. Looking back, I still would have been happier with a place of meeting where everyone could eat and linger instead of dividing up the heard between heifers and bulls and leaving. Creed came in and introduced us to her new gf. I never did see Rhoda until the next day at the wedding. So, as everyone was wrapping up and I made my escape.

Later, I Uber’d it down to the Lounge and when I got there I texted Charlie to see where they were. I guessed that all the “boys” were already in the club but I wanted to wait for the [newly scrubbed] girls. Hollis had to park about three blocks away as there was no parking anywhere close. Finally, we went inside but everyone got lost in the crowd. I managed to score Charlie and I some seats at the bar and we visited with Link and Stiletto from time to time but Martha and the group had gotten a table in the back where I guess it was more accessible for lap dances? I don’t know. The boys had only gone to one strip club prior to arriving and Mike had drank so much he was passed out in the limo. When we got there they were leaving to take the limo back and some of the heifer/bull people left with the limo. Charlie and I finally called it quits and walked outside to follow Hollis to the car to get her bag. Hollis disappeared for what seemed hours and we walked up these really steep stairs to get to the front. The minute I got to the top of the stairs I turned my ankle and went down. Charlie and this guy who was there grilling hot dogs [why that seemed like a reasonable thing at 2 a.m. in the morning] had to help me up. I skinned my shin and knee as well.

The next day, the dogs had to drag us out of bed to get us up. We had breakfast and took it easy until the wedding. There was to be cocktails at 4, the ceremony at 5 and festivities after. When we arrived, Rhoda was on the back deck playing guitar. Unlike her ex she’s a wonderful musician and I enjoyed hearing her. We mingled with Hollis and her gf, Sharon who we hadn’t seen in forever. We had just had a beer when everyone was directed to stand in the back garden area and await the ceremony to begin. Martha was escorted down by Hollis and Dino by [of course] Mike. Creed came out to do the ceremony. It was very surprisingly fast – no vows or anything. I remembered Charlie and me exchanging ours in Valbella in New York – in fact, it was attached to a really nice hotel with a library where we did our exchange.

After the ceremony, many people herded to the food line. I wasn’t about to stand in that line so Charlie and I grabbed more drinks and mingled some more. I was telling Rhoda about hearing that Lee threw Heidi out (which, is no surprise as I figured Bertha would have made her get her out of there eventually). Apparently, once Lee threw her out she later went to look for her and found Heidi passed out on a park bench (frothing at the mouth, even) and took a bunch of pictures and posted them on FB. Rhoda was livid that she never called an ambulance or anything just took pictures and walked away. I wasn’t surprised. I said all Lee ever thought about was herself. But, then Lee upped and moved out to Seattle to be with Heidi and moved into some trailer with her. Rhoda said they deserve each other and they do.

Rooster and Shutter’s band played after the ceremony. I had gone in to say hi to them when we got there. Link was walking around helping Stiletto (who was the volunteered music coordinator, makeup artist for the bride and her mother, caterer manager and bachelorette party planner). B. Ferris had shown up after the ceremony and she and Charlie had started managing the fire pit as it was freezing outside. I was talking to Hollis and them on the deck when we noticed flames coming up. Dino walked over and told them to cool it on the fire ring.

Later, there was a mass exodus to get at several of the cakes that were provided. Someone said that the kids started cutting the cake and eating it before the brides could get in there to do their slice and feed it to each other. Others said that people were ignoring the caterers serving the slices and were just cutting in a grabbing a bunch of pieces with their forks. I mean, it’s just cake, people. Charlie and I left shortly after that and went over to Brockett for dinner. I had the most amazing patty melt and I was happy.

I’m still tired from the weekend despite taking it easy yesterday. This week is Hell week at Orangetheory. If we make it there 5 out of 8 days to work out starting today thru Halloween we get this skull t-shirt. I’m going to try but I only hope I don’t end up getting a really bad cold after this week. I’m planning on drinking some smoothies and eating well this week so hopefully I’ll make it.

Next weekend, we’re doing the Halloween ride with the Hags like we did last year. Rooster has a whole new agenda of places we’re going. What are your plans for Halloween?  I will leave you with this appropriately named drink recipe:

The Wedding Slinger

  • 1.25 ounces of 77 Local Rye and Corn Whisky
  • .5 ounce of Carpano Antica Formula Sweet Vermouth
  • 2 dashes of orange bitters
  • Ginger Ale
  • Cocktail cherry

 

 

 

new mods

I finally got the fenders and tank back from the painter a few weeks ago. Saturday, Drewberry came over and put it together for me. I did a lot of holding of the tank and handing of beers while he worked. A few glitches were one of the screws broke off putting one of the tank badges back on and we had to use doubled sided tape to keep it on while I ordered another set of screws. Then, the gaskets on the fuel supply valve were cracked and leaking so he had to fashion a piece of rubber (from the existing tail light that we did not install) which seemed to plug up the leak but I still order another set of those, too.

The final modifications were the fender eliminator kit on the back (the back fender which is solid black is staying wrapped up until I decide if I ever want to put it back on again) that includes a new tail light. New café style seat, newly painted tank and front fender with a stripe down the middle. Here are some pics:

Last night, Charlie and I rode down to Victory sandwich bar and met up with Link. As we were pulling into the lot we almost ran over Sharon just getting off the train from work who ended up joining us. After a bite to eat and lively conversation about ex’s we went out to look at all the bikes that had parked since we sat down. We were standing outside looking at bikes and talking when a young woman came up and asked to join us. She pointed over to a BMW that was hers and we all chatted and joked around as we’re winking at Sharon going, Girl you should get her number!

She’s only 23!

So? 23 backwards is 32 your age – it’s meant to be!

We left leaving Sharon to get the girls phone number. It was a fun night and nice to ride again.

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ex’s, rats and apple watches

rat

Last Saturday Sadie had her test to become a therapy dog and both she and Charlie passed with flying colors. I wasn’t worried, honestly – despite Sadie being my dog initially her and Charlie have a special bond – even the examiner said so.

I took both to drop them off for their test and headed over to catch both the soccer and UGA game at the local pub. After downing a Guinness and heading back I got a text from Charlie saying they were running late. I only received this after I’d gotten back since I was on my tablet and it signs off texts after a while. I was on my tablet because –

-my iPhone (7) was sitting next to my Apple watch (1st gen) updating. I’ll get more in to that in a bit.

So, once I got back I was sitting in the car with the windows down and these two ladies came out and asked if I was Lanie and I said, Yes. They said I could come inside and wait if I didn’t want to sit in the hot car and I said that’s ok I didn’t mind I was in the shade anyway. They went back inside and then some blonde woman came out and looked around then turned and looked right at me and went back inside. It took me a moment but I thought she looked just like someone I went out with years ago and once I noted that she had an Alabama t-shirt on I swore it was her.

Later, after driving home with Charlie reliving her and Sadie’s testing she related that there were other women in there doing scenarios of talking loud, yelling and slamming things around to see if they could get a reaction out of Sadie – this was part of the exam (which, she didn’t have any reaction at all).

What was the blonde woman’s name?

Uh, I can’t remember, um….

Was it Beverly?

Yes, that was her name! Wait! You know her?

I went out with her for, like a minute, a long time ago.

It just figures that I run in to yet another one of your ex-girlfriends.

(Our friend, Link always jokes that I’ve dated everyone in Atlanta and when I say, No, I don’t think Charlie believes me. I get that look. I told Link, Quit saying that. You’ll give the girl a complex.)

I always say, That was then, this is now, baby! to Charlie.

So, once home we were getting ready to go out for a celebratory beer when I checked my watch. It was still updating. At this point I was ready to throw the thing out the window. I specifically waited until the new version came out and the older ones went on sale because I wanted a stainless steel one and was not about to pay $500 for it. (this from someone who once paid the cost of a car WAY more for a Rolex which I sold to buy a motorcycle but that’s another story). It had spent ALL NIGHT updating and then most of the next day. I had to reboot both my phone and watch three times in order for the update to take. I was wondering if I’d gotten a bad watch. I unplugged it and went and set it on the box thinking I was going to take it back the next day. Later, I thought, I will try it one.more.time just to see if it will go and when I picked it up and, voila, it was updated. Yeah, it only took 2 days! These apple updates are getting somewhat short of ridiculous in my book.

The other night, Charlie and I were driving back from having dinner at the 57th Fighter Club. It was nice sitting out there watching the planes come in. It’s finally cooled off here and the club lit the fire pit while we were sitting on the patio. This was the first time we’d tried this place. We’re trying to break out of our regular scene and try new places.

On the way home Charlie said, it just figures I run in to yet another girlfriend of yours.

You haven’t met that many ex-girlfriends of mine.

Yes, I have.

Ok, so you met Bird, Lee and Beverly – that’s it.

No, I’ve met monkey lady, too. Remember when she brought her dog into the vet and I had to check her in?

Oh yeah, that’s right. How unfortunate.

So, why did you break up with them?

Rats.

What’s wrong?

No, I mean because of rats.

What? Seriously?

Yeah, Beverly had these rats in her condo – she was also a hoarder, by-the-way. Her building super set all these live traps in there and only cleaned them out once a month. She asked me if I would come over and clean them out for her and I said no. She got really mad at me after that and I just blew her off and we stopped going out. We weren’t really hitting it anyway. She ended up getting married to a man after that so she was never really lesbian material.

What about monkey lady?

Oh, well one night I went over there  and we’d had a couple of bourbons and her friend, Lorraine called and said there was a stench so bad in her house that she needed us to come over and find the dead animal in her walls. We ran over there with a drill and jig saw. After drilling several holes in their newly painted stairwell wall we discovered after prying up a couple of stairs and looking down into the crawlspace that it was under there. I had to shimmy down there and get it out. After that, I got the rep of removing rats and there was another night monkey lady called me and asked me to go crawling around in her attic to find these rats that had been getting into her house and I refused. She got very angry and started yelling at me about it. So, like before I just blew her off after that. We weren’t hitting it either. I’d gotten tired of her yelling at me about rats.

That’s weird. Why do you get stuck killing rats – in your house and others peoples?

Yeah, remember Ellen? I had to go over there and kill a rat for her, too.

I remember that. I was afraid you’d get rabies.

And, right after that conversation in the car we got home and let the dogs out and was enjoying a whiskey when Sadie started looking at the grill.

What is it, Sadie?

Charlie went over and opened the lid and turned on one of the burners and just then…..

……you guessed it- a rat ran out. Sadie chased it around the side of the house and then suddenly it came running towards me. I jumped up as I saw a grey blur run by with Sadie in tow. Sadie never got it but she was looking for it the rest of the night. And, so was I.

I don’t know what it is about ex’s, rats and Apple watches-but it is what it is.

 

 

Soccer and Crystal 

I was about to tuck into a Wells Bombardier the other night and watch the soccer game at our favorite little Irish pub when Charlie said, We’d better get there early and get seats.

I was really hoping that we would catch at least the first 30 minutes of the game but agreed she’d had a point. We were going to see Crystal Bowersox at Edie’s Attic and it was bound to fill up. I looked up at the TV and USA was warming up and knew it would be another 30 minutes even before kickoff. I suggested that we finish off our beers and go. I was proud of Charlie for getting us concert tickets and planning a date night so I wasn’t going to ruin it by making us arrive late and have to stand all night.

We walked into the room and already people were sitting at the middle bar. There were several seats at the back bar but several of them had water glasses sitting in front of them like they were being saved. I started to go up and tap the lady sitting on the end and ask if they were taken when I realized she was…………

LEE!

I turned around and started the opposite direction when Charlie said, “Oh my God is that Lee and Heidi?”

“Why yes it is.”

Just then two seats appeared at the front bar and I asked the guy next to one of them if they were taken and he said, “They are now.”

Pulling out one of the stools so Charlie and I could wedge our way in.

I’m so glad we found a seats here.

I am too, and we have our backs to them now so we don’t have to look at them.

If you read this post you know that Lee basically went out to Seattle to bust up Rhoda and Heidi. Apparently, Heidi is shacking up with Lee who still lives in Bertha’s (her ex of 9 years) basement.

I looked at the clock on the wall – we still had an hour before any music was played. I signaled the server and ordered a pitcher. If we were in for the haul might as well focus on the liquid. I told Charlie I was going out on the back porch to see if the soccer game was on and go to the restroom. I went out back and no, the game wasn’t on –which was so LAME and then to the bathroom. I’m standing there waiting for someone to come out of one of the two stalls when one of the stall doors open almost hitting me and out walked Crystal Bowersox.

“Oh, sorry.”

“No problem.” Thinking, Crystal Bowersox can hit me with the bathroom door anytime.

I came back into the music room and settled down next to Charlie. It wouldn’t be long now. Finally, people started flooding in and taking the reserved seats and the place started to fill up. Eventually what seemed like an eternity Crystal took the stage to introduce one of the warmup performers.

“I want to bring to the stage a good friend of mine. This is a woman I discovered in Seattle walking by a café’ I heard this incredible voice…..”

I eyed the keyboard on the stage and my stomach dropped. Surely Crystal Bowersox wasn’t talking about Heidi and her pitiful little mewing she calls singing while she pounded the keyboard. Surely not. I’m going to fall.out. if she brings her up there. Maybe that’s why Heidi and Lee are here – Heidi is playing. Oh.My.God. If she brings her up on stage I’m going back to the Irish bar and watch soccer until she’s gone.

“……….please everyone welcome Whitney Monge.

IMG_3801 (Charlie and Whitney)

Relief flooded me.

“Oh, I knew she wasn’t good enough to be up there, Lanie.”

“You never know, Charlie. She’s fooled a lot of people.”

After many drinks, and listening to wonderful artists including Crystal Bowersox we left. We managed to get through the whole night without any communication or contact with Lee and Heidi and USA won without my visual help so it was a win-win situation.

IMG_3807 (Crystal takes to the stage)

where is the karma?

So, today I’m going to write about a friend of ours – Mary Ann. Charlie and I first met her at Ellen’s house when she was having a party. Mary Ann had just moved here from California at the time and had already made a slew of friends – ironically, ones that she knew while she was in Cali who had also moved here. I think I have mentioned that she’s friends with Katherine and Yvonne – who are now together and have a band.

At the time, Mary Ann had her –then – girlfriend here. In fact, at the party I mistook her for another friend of ours who had moved to Texas and wondered why she just looked at me and looked away like she didn’t know me – later, I found she didn’t because it wasn’t the ex-friend from Texas but Mary Ann’s girlfriend, Krystal.

Despite speaking with Krystal a bit that night I realize now that I have never liked anyone with that name. In fact, everyone with that name I have despised.

Krystal was working and living in Maine and had plans to quit her job and move to Georgia with Mary Ann. We have several friends who have coupled up this way – me and Charlie including. She moved here from Florida. Yvonne is moving here from SC and Ellen just had her new squeeze move here from Arkansas.

At Christmas Mary Ann proposed to Krystal and started house hunting. In January she flew up to Maine, picked Krystal up and they drove back to Georgia stopping along the way making it a vacation. When they got to Georgia they closed on a house [a very lovely one, I might add] and Krystal flew back to quit her job and start packing.

Or so we thought.

In murder mysteries this is the part where someone discovers a bloody knife in the cupboard.

As I told you before, I knew something was up at the Super Bowl party when Mary Ann said that Krystal was having a hard time quitting her job. Well, she didn’t afterall. She broke up with Mary Ann right before Valentine’s Day. Since then, Mary Ann has gone through the stage of grief of “What did I do wrong?” the self-blaming kind – much to all of our frustration.

You didn’t do anything, Krystal is just a bitch.

At the St. Paddy’s day party at Katherine’s I tried to talk to her about it. She was still in the what did I do mode. I said, You have to let this go. You may never know the reason.

Although, I suspected there was another chicken in the coop.

In the meantime, her very old dog – a two-time cancer survivor, I might add – hadn’t been doing well. In fact, he was taking a dive. Many times the past month we have had plans where she would say, Rudy’s not doing well and would stay home with him. We’ve all been on pins and needles about it – really. Poor girl going through a difficult breakup and her dog – only companion – not doing well.

What a fucking raw deal. It makes me want to go hug my Sadie-McTaddie-Fatty-McTattie and Bailey –Bait – well, you know.

Tuesday, we all had plans to go eat at the bar that has the burger specials when Mary Ann said Rudy wasn’t doing well. Then, Wednesday morning Ellen texted that he had passed. That night, she came out for one bowling game. She looked defeated. As she talked to us she raised her sweater and pulled her belt to another notch tighter – already pretty thin she was even more so now.

We need to get some food on those bones, girl.

She was showing Ellen something on her phone. When she went up to bowl later I asked her what that was about.

She’s getting messages from Krystal now about how sorry she is that Rudy isn’t doing well.

What? Has she told her that Rudy died?

Nope. She’s mad now.

Good, we’ve been waiting for this stage.

Saturday, we have plans to meet up at a motorcycle swap meet in North Georgia to look at bikes for Mary Ann. Katherine, Yvonne and I are riding up and meeting Mary Ann and Charlie. I hope she gets a bike and starts riding soon. She needs this. I just feel so terrible for her -just all these sucky things happening to such a good person. It just seems that nothing bad ever happens to the people who suck.

Where is the Karma in all this?

Next up – Lee the homewrecker. Stay tuned!

 

winter storm watch & two girls and a truck

It never fails every time you get a new car, motorcycle, boat, camper or some other outdoor vehicle the weather takes a turn for the worse. Monday, the sun peaked out just long enough to dry the pavement and I fired up Black Fury and took her on a maiden ride.

Sorry Charlie.

I did at least ride her over to Charlie’s work during her lunch hour so she was able to come out and see. Afterwards, I did my standard city loop and came home. Just in time for it to start raining again. The week has been abysmal since.

Today, my office closed at noon to prepare for a winter storm that is supposed to hit late afternoon. I know it has already hit certain northern areas of the city, but on our side of town it varies from rain to sleet. Since there was no accumulation just yet I ran out to get some beer supplies. This reminds me of the snowmageddon we had last year and how the new GEMA chief and the Governor are more on it this year than last. I mean, people were stranded for days last year just because some @sshole couldn’t call it a state of emergency. (In fact, the now demoted head of GEMA last year said on a news conference that between 2 and 3 it hadn’t gotten terrible on the roads. Hello? It has started snowing at 10:00 a.m. and they didn’t let us out of work until 1:00).

What I can’t understand is that it’s a state policy that after some time we are allowed to telework once a week. So – if we’re allowed to do this why not be allowed to do it when we have inclement weather? I mean, we had early release but they could have said, Everyone plan on teleworking tomorrow until we know what the hell the weather is doing. (I brought my laptop home but I don’t plan on doing any work if the office is closed)

Charlie is still at work at this moment but if I have to I’m going to go get her.  It’s almost March and I hope it goes by fast!

Last night, it was supposed to get bad but it didn’t. A bunch of us went out for ½ price burgers at this pub we frequent. Ellen and Stephanie were there, Mary Ann, Katherine (who played the other night), Liz, Charlie and I. The night before we had Ellen and Stephanie over for dinner. Stephanie was supposed to leave on Monday to go back to Arkansas but the weather has been so bad she has stayed, much to – um – Ellen’s enjoyment.

We had gotten onto a topic of everyone’s ex’s at the dinner table the other night and after Ellen explained that she helped an ex of mine move out of my house just to get her out of my life I went to say that if I had known this was something a friend has to do for a friend then I would have moved Louise out long ago. However, before I could get it all out Charlie clamped a hand over my mouth as asked if anyone needed anymore wine.

Last night, Stephanie leaned over and said, What was that thing you were going to say about Louise?

Puzzled I said, I don’t know let me think. OH, I was saying that if I would have known Ellen wanted me to move Louise [CLAMP] Charlie’s hand over my mouth – this time knocking over the rest of my beer onto the table.

I guess some things will remain left unsaid. Speaking of unsaid things…

….our friend, Mary Ann got dumped by her fiancé right after they bought a house they were going to live in together once the fiancé quit her job and moved here. At Super Bowl I knew something was up when I asked Mary Ann when she was coming (she had been here two weeks before to close on the house – there were pictures of them celebrating with drinks and personalized house keys on FB and everything) and she balked and said, Well, she was coming in June but it seems that it’s going to be August now.

Oh, still finishing paralegal school?

No, she’ll be done by then she’s just waiting for this lawyer to move into her office. She’s had this office all to herself until they hired another attorney that is going to move in there so I imagine once she’s slated to the basement she’ll be wanting to quit and move down here and find another job.

I didn’t say anything after that. I didn’t think waiting until you lost a work office to move in with your fiancé was a good enough reason not to already have your @ss down here. I mean, it sounded kind of lame to me.

Weeks later Charlie came home from the grocery store and said she ran into her and the fiancé had broken up with her.

I knew it!

The only reason she told Charlie was because she had accidentally gotten into Charlie’s line and before she knew it Charlie was going, Hey, how are you? Oh. You don’t look so good. What’s wrong?

You can’t get anything past Charlie. If something’s wrong she will get it out of you.

She reluctantly told her that her and the fiancé broke up (I’m not even going to give the bitch a name on my blog, either). I couldn’t believe it. I mean, I could but they just bought a house together (I mean, I think both of their names are on the deed). I’m like, Why buy a house if you know you’re going to break up?

Since then she hasn’t talked to anyone about it. It’s been all hush-hush. She didn’t even want Ellen to know (who we told anyway and then threatened her life not to tell her she knew) We took her some soup the other day and saw the house – it’s a great house, too. But, unlike the house she didn’t look good. Her eyes were puffy like she’d been crying all morning. She has a small very old dog that hasn’t been doing well, either, and she’s been worried about him. I hoped that her dog didn’t kick off while she was going through this, too. When we left I told Charlie that I was very worried about her. She was too.

But, at least she was at the show on Saturday (her and Katherine are pretty tight and I knew she would never miss something like that) and out last night eating burgers. She did seem much better – not like a mile better but at least her eyes weren’t all puffy like on Sunday. When we saw her on Saturday I said she could come over any time and that we probably had some old plates she could throw against the house. She thanked us but said she was dealing with it.

I guess I’m wondering when the angry part is going to happen but I still feel really bad for her. I guess all we can do is keep her in our thoughts. At least the bitch moved on before she moved in so Ellen and I didn’t have to go over there and move her out.