I usually never start out a post cursing but I will with this one.
It’s happened. One of my old friends I refer to as a Toad committed suicide last week. I believe she, Alex, tried to commit suicide back in 2011 when I wrote this post. I hadn’t heard from her since then. I read back on that post and it makes me sad and frustrated. I know I’ve written about this in the past – the four of us friends who all got the same tattoo (I’m not including K in this because he’s not part of the original four) and were very close and then we all had a fall out and never hardly spoke to each other since. The last time I spoke to Alex back in 2011 I did make an attempt to contact Dina and Stephanie to try to repair the four of ours friendship but I got much resistance. I was very bitter after that – I pretty much wanted to tell Stephanie and Dina to go f*ck themselves. I’ve come around since then and let bygones be bygones and have moved on. The only one I have on my FB page is Stephanie who used to date Alex. She was the one who got in contact with me through FB and told me. All because we have deleted each other’s numbers – which, is pretty pathetic because I’ve given her mine twice over the years – I can even read back on my messages and see. Not that this matters but Stephanie told me how it happened and that Rachael knew more of the details. I emailed Rachael and said how sorry I was and that I just heard. She emailed me this really terse reply back that I ended up deleting.
Why do people have to hold on to the same old grudges when it comes to losing someone? Can’t we all just let it go and remember the good times. Because they were good times whether anyone will admit it or not. That’s what Alex would have wanted.
I’m taking this a lot harder than I thought. I still flash back to a time where we were getting ready to go ride motorcycles. I was at her apartment on Buford Highway. I had ridden my bike over there to pick her up to go ride. She was getting ready and I don’t know how we got on this conversation but she told me that if she was going to kill herself that she would just do it and not tell anyone. I know I couldn’t have stopped it. She’s been lost for a very long time. It’s just one of those things that will probably always drive me a bit crazy, frustrate me and make me sad. She had so much going for her and she did everything she put her mind to. She could do anything and yet they found her on the floor two days after she died with a needle in her arm, instructions on her desk on how to do it.
Yes, when Alex put her mind to something you couldn’t stop her from doing it. RIP, Alex & beloved toad. You will be missed!