ex’s, rats and apple watches


Last Saturday Sadie had her test to become a therapy dog and both she and Charlie passed with flying colors. I wasn’t worried, honestly – despite Sadie being my dog initially her and Charlie have a special bond – even the examiner said so.

I took both to drop them off for their test and headed over to catch both the soccer and UGA game at the local pub. After downing a Guinness and heading back I got a text from Charlie saying they were running late. I only received this after I’d gotten back since I was on my tablet and it signs off texts after a while. I was on my tablet because –

-my iPhone (7) was sitting next to my Apple watch (1st gen) updating. I’ll get more in to that in a bit.

So, once I got back I was sitting in the car with the windows down and these two ladies came out and asked if I was Lanie and I said, Yes. They said I could come inside and wait if I didn’t want to sit in the hot car and I said that’s ok I didn’t mind I was in the shade anyway. They went back inside and then some blonde woman came out and looked around then turned and looked right at me and went back inside. It took me a moment but I thought she looked just like someone I went out with years ago and once I noted that she had an Alabama t-shirt on I swore it was her.

Later, after driving home with Charlie reliving her and Sadie’s testing she related that there were other women in there doing scenarios of talking loud, yelling and slamming things around to see if they could get a reaction out of Sadie – this was part of the exam (which, she didn’t have any reaction at all).

What was the blonde woman’s name?

Uh, I can’t remember, um….

Was it Beverly?

Yes, that was her name! Wait! You know her?

I went out with her for, like a minute, a long time ago.

It just figures that I run in to yet another one of your ex-girlfriends.

(Our friend, Link always jokes that I’ve dated everyone in Atlanta and when I say, No, I don’t think Charlie believes me. I get that look. I told Link, Quit saying that. You’ll give the girl a complex.)

I always say, That was then, this is now, baby! to Charlie.

So, once home we were getting ready to go out for a celebratory beer when I checked my watch. It was still updating. At this point I was ready to throw the thing out the window. I specifically waited until the new version came out and the older ones went on sale because I wanted a stainless steel one and was not about to pay $500 for it. (this from someone who once paid the cost of a car WAY more for a Rolex which I sold to buy a motorcycle but that’s another story). It had spent ALL NIGHT updating and then most of the next day. I had to reboot both my phone and watch three times in order for the update to take. I was wondering if I’d gotten a bad watch. I unplugged it and went and set it on the box thinking I was going to take it back the next day. Later, I thought, I will try it one.more.time just to see if it will go and when I picked it up and, voila, it was updated. Yeah, it only took 2 days! These apple updates are getting somewhat short of ridiculous in my book.

The other night, Charlie and I were driving back from having dinner at the 57th Fighter Club. It was nice sitting out there watching the planes come in. It’s finally cooled off here and the club lit the fire pit while we were sitting on the patio. This was the first time we’d tried this place. We’re trying to break out of our regular scene and try new places.

On the way home Charlie said, it just figures I run in to yet another girlfriend of yours.

You haven’t met that many ex-girlfriends of mine.

Yes, I have.

Ok, so you met Bird, Lee and Beverly – that’s it.

No, I’ve met monkey lady, too. Remember when she brought her dog into the vet and I had to check her in?

Oh yeah, that’s right. How unfortunate.

So, why did you break up with them?


What’s wrong?

No, I mean because of rats.

What? Seriously?

Yeah, Beverly had these rats in her condo – she was also a hoarder, by-the-way. Her building super set all these live traps in there and only cleaned them out once a month. She asked me if I would come over and clean them out for her and I said no. She got really mad at me after that and I just blew her off and we stopped going out. We weren’t really hitting it anyway. She ended up getting married to a man after that so she was never really lesbian material.

What about monkey lady?

Oh, well one night I went over there  and we’d had a couple of bourbons and her friend, Lorraine called and said there was a stench so bad in her house that she needed us to come over and find the dead animal in her walls. We ran over there with a drill and jig saw. After drilling several holes in their newly painted stairwell wall we discovered after prying up a couple of stairs and looking down into the crawlspace that it was under there. I had to shimmy down there and get it out. After that, I got the rep of removing rats and there was another night monkey lady called me and asked me to go crawling around in her attic to find these rats that had been getting into her house and I refused. She got very angry and started yelling at me about it. So, like before I just blew her off after that. We weren’t hitting it either. I’d gotten tired of her yelling at me about rats.

That’s weird. Why do you get stuck killing rats – in your house and others peoples?

Yeah, remember Ellen? I had to go over there and kill a rat for her, too.

I remember that. I was afraid you’d get rabies.

And, right after that conversation in the car we got home and let the dogs out and was enjoying a whiskey when Sadie started looking at the grill.

What is it, Sadie?

Charlie went over and opened the lid and turned on one of the burners and just then…..

……you guessed it- a rat ran out. Sadie chased it around the side of the house and then suddenly it came running towards me. I jumped up as I saw a grey blur run by with Sadie in tow. Sadie never got it but she was looking for it the rest of the night. And, so was I.

I don’t know what it is about ex’s, rats and Apple watches-but it is what it is.




Unfriending part II

I realize that last post I didn’t even talk about myself unfriending but I did. I went through my list with a fine tooth comb and if they were on the “acquaintances” list then they got cut. There’s a few more that I would like to cut but I’m going to leave it for now.

I recently added a few people, too. The other night when we were out for the motorcycle meetup we saw some woman wondering around with a Harley Davidson beanie on and just assumed she was there to join the group. We waved her over and she [Katherine] laughed and said that, no, she wasn’t there for the group that she was meeting her realtor but she would join us until she got there. She sat down and later MaryAnn came wandering up and we said, Hey, what are you doing here?

“I’m here to hang out with Katherine after she talks to her realtor.”

So, it turns out that Katherine plays music with Yvonne. In fact, they have a show in December we’re going to.

Yesterday, I was on FB and messaged Yvonne. This was the first since I had accepted her friend request. I told her how it came about that we met both MaryAnn and Katherine and what a small world it was – especially since we used to hang out in an entirely different group. We talked about her breakup with [telephone talky] her ex and I’d said I didn’t know that I’d heard that from MaryAnn. I said, Such a small world looked like our old group kind of imploded. Then, I couldn’t help but ask.

“Hey, you and [CMW] seemed really tight back then. Do y’all keep up?”

“Nope, [CMW] is a bit crazy, sorry if you do still keep up with her she just weirded out on us. Actually, Susan and Jennifer but since we are close friends with them it spilled over to us somehow.”

I had heard from Alana that CMW had gone rogue on the group after Susan and Jen broke up. Why, I have no idea nor care.

“Nope, it ended badly with us and I don’t keep up with her at all. I tried to keep up with everyone else after but it seemed like no one would hang out after we broke up. I asked Jen and Susan, Lori and Lorrain and I know y’all (when you were with Jeanine) several times to no avail. It was a bit frustrating to be honest. But, you know things happen for a reason I guess.”

I just laid it out there how frustrated I was after that time. Practically all of CMW’s friends liked me but would never even consider hanging after the breakup despite her going off on everyone and only remaining friends with Lori – who, I always thought was fake as a Rolex from China. To be honest it was nice being able to say that to one of them after all these years. I think I was more hurt that no one would hang out after that then the breakup itself.

Yvonne replied, “Well that’s too bad, sorry I always pretty much let Jeanine handle the social calendar. I actually hibernated for a good 2 years, barely left the house really. Not a particularly good time. Things much better now though.”

“Well, I’m glad – all that seems behind us now. Maybe you can meet my wife someday soon when you come back to town and play.”

“I would love to meet her! We can get MaryAnn and Katharine and have drinks or something.”

What a weird full circle.

You can find me on twitter @Lanie_Belluz










exercise your right…….to unfriend

It’s national unfriend day on FB but churchy has already beat us to the punch -she unfriended both Charlie and I.

What’s ironic about all this is that just last weekend when Liz and Lina were here we were discussing her. I found it VERY STRANGE that churchy had only met them both briefly at dinner last New Year’s and had friended them both on FB. We had gone out to Brickstore pub before our party in Midtown and Ellen and churchy had joined us. When I asked Ellen about it she said, Oh they had that whole Methodist thing going on. Regardless, I thought religious denomination not enough to friend someone on FB. I had met several of Ellen’s friends at her get-togethers and most some I still haven’t friended even though I know them.

Do you think some people collect friends on FB like some compulsive hoarders keep old  magazines around?

I was like, What did we do? We have been nothing but nice to her and we weren’t even one of the single friends of Ellen’s that she always glared daggers at every time they were around like Cindy and Mary Ann.

FB provides all kinds of weird parallels, too. Ellen had met this woman, MaryAnn, through another musician friend that lives out near Portland, OR. This friend moved here recently and Ellen had been showing her around and helping get her settled in. We thought she was a possible love interest until we met MaryAnn’s [long distance] gf who lives in the other town of Portland, ME. (Unless I’ve gotten this all confused) ANYWAY, despite just moving here MaryAnn seems to know a lot of people -including a friend of one of my ex’s crazy monkey woman.

Shortly after friending MaryAnn on FB I got a friend request from a Yvonne. It had been so long that I had to go to her FB page and look at pics before I remembered who she was.  We had one friend in common, MaryAnn. I texted MaryAnn, How do you know this person? It was explained through various gf’s they had had, met out west and a typical lesbian incestuous circle. I asked her if she knew crazy monkey woman and she didn’t remember the name. I was relieved because I think if I saw CMW again I’d want to punch her in the nose or take a bag of rats over to her house, break in and let them loose. (if you’re curious about the rats you can go to my old blog and read about it here)

ANYWAY, Yvonne was friends with CMW. In fact, while CMW and I were dating I was highly jealous of Yvonne. She was this cool artist, musician type that CMW was always saying to me, She’s truly talented, Lanie, truly talented…..and, she’d do the verbal drift off after that like she was in deep thought. I was thinking that she was thinking about being between her legs is what I thought. They even went on trips together. CMW did a business trip (she was always finagling biz trips around crazy monkeys in other places – there were crazy monkeys everywhere – England, Texas, Chicago, you name it – there was a crazy monkey she had to go get sh*t and cum thrown on her study. So, CMW has to go to Texas to study some monkeys and asked Yvonne to go and photograph them. She even got her on the payroll and a ticket to go and after photography of said monkeys they went fishing together the rest of the week.

We caught so many great fish, Lanie. She’s truly talented…..[the drift]. By that time I was sure they were having an affair. I mean, wouldn’t you?

Yvonne happened to have a gf as well who obviously didn’t mind that she went off with women who always gushed over her talent. But, Yvonne’s gf was constantly glued to her phone. While I wasn’t even allowed to even look at my blackberry when I was in the presence of CMW Yvonne’s gf was constantly on hers. She would even leave the room and go talk while they were in the middle of hosting parties, dinner, playing cards, everything. Who she was talking to no one knew – she was a busy fundraiser working for a non-profit organization. I could not see the two of them together at.all. Again, why I was sure CMW and her were having an affair.

When I asked MaryAnn if they were still together she said no that they had broken up and Yvonne had moved to SC. I asked if she had known her ex that much and she said, Oh I see her from time to time at their gigs (a friend of MaryAnn’s (who, ironically we met at the last motorcycle meetup) plays music with the Yvonne) but she’s always on her phone so I hadn’t had the chance to talk with her. Some things never change.

So, after grilling MaryAnn about her, going to her site and even seeing that she didn’t have CMW on her FB I friended her. I at least have a little more of a friending pre-requisite than churchy.

How about you? Have you exercised your right to unfriend today? Or have you recently friended someone from your past?

You can find me on twitter @Lanie_Belluz

can’t buy me love

I spoke too soon.

Lee has been emailing me asking if we can get together for a movie and lunch. I said for her to let me know about lunch (may just bag that depending on my mood) and ignored the movie invite. I have no time for a movie this week. It’s been non-stop work. I am so looking forward to having a three-day weekend next weekend. She also texted me Tuesday about getting together with Garth for drinks to which I replied, “I can’t.” It’s not that I already had plans – I just didn’t want to have plans with her. I really had to stop myself from writing back “Why don’t you ask Bertha to go?” But, I’ve decided that I’m not playing that game with her.

Today I got an email from her titled: “Happy Turdsday, I mean Thursday.”

After I read that, I wondered if she was calling me a turd. Lee is like that – she comes off as an innocent but she’s really passive aggressive that way. I thought she was probably pissed that I didn’t go out with her to meet Garth and/or ignored the movie request and was inadvertently calling me a turd. In the body of the email it said, “Have fun at pool! Kick some @ss!” (to which, I ignored)

Another thing that bothers me is that Lee always puts exclamation marks at the end of every sentence she writes. Being a [struggling] author I was told that a book should only contain one exclamation mark and it better be important. (Meaning, don’t frickin’ do it.) I admit in my editing process I went back and removed so many exclamation marks that I never want to use that key again. (Except maybe to fill in on curse words like sh!t)

I think I need some more time before hanging out with Lee and being friends. She’s still p!ssing me off a little.

I do need to make more of an effort to get out and meet people. Tonight, I am hoping after pool to go out two-stepping. Sunday, I talked Bird into going to a women’s sports bar to watch the superbowl. I just hope I have energy to go after teaching in the rain all weekend. I think in a way I should be lucky that I’m single right now and not having the b.s. responsibility and weight of a relationship tying me down. However, it would be nice to go out more with people who weren’t total creeps. Bird brought up her friend again and wanted to know if I was remotely interested and if so she’d set it up.

“She’s loaded and has a fat cabin in the mountains.”

Right, and she smokes and I’m not remotely attracted to her. Who cares if she has some cabin up in the mountains or money? – my love cannot be bought.

“Uh, no. That’s ok.”

Although, some people [Charlie] think that I should settle I’m being too picky. Please forgive me if I don’t want to be with someone who could be bad for me or that I already know isn’t going to work. I have standards and I’m holding out.

I have the luxury to be picky, not to mention I want to be physically attracted to them.

Plus, so many of my friends [I think] have just settled. There are even some I feel have made some really poor decisions just to be with someone – who is either abusive, doesn’t have anything in common with them, are controlling or using them as an emotional crutch or for yes, money.

So, yeah – I guess Ms. Right is going to take a little longer to find, that’s all.


happily ever after

Yesterday, I went over to Birds house to pick up a VIP ticket she was selling for this event I decided to go to this weekend. I managed to talk Ellen in to going with me and felt I needed to get out and do something since last weekend I holed up.

Bird and I went out many years ago. In fact, she was the first person I dated after my 7-year relationship. We didn’t make it very long but it was a wild ride. It’s funny how despite the relationship never being very good and the break up being somewhat bad (we broke up during a Pensacola Pride Beach trip) we still speak and are on somewhat good terms. In fact, she lives right up the street from me now. It was hard to believe that there we were almost twelve years later sitting there talking. If I had to guess which ex that would be I would have never guessed her. We were on her back patio with sweating pumpkin beers while our dogs ripped and teared around the back yard chasing each other. Her dog is a perfect size for Sadie [right now] and can outrun her which is surprising for a three-year old.

She was telling me about a really bad car accident she was in about three years ago, breaking an enormous amount of bones in her body including all her ribs. During that time her father was undergoing chemotherapy, her brother was in the [same] hospital for liver failure from being addicted to meth.

I didn’t know about her accident but I had suspected as much about brother – it was apparent to me when we were dating that he was using despite Bird refusing to admit it at the time. In fact, he was really the reason we broke up in P’cola. She doesn’t remember it but I do as if it happened yesterday.

We had just gotten there and checked in to our room. There was a huge pool party going on at the time with a DJ. We put on our suits and went down to it and ran in to two of her friends who were there. I thought her friends were a blast and was enjoying hanging with them.

“Hey, I’m going to go find my brother.”

“Why? We just got here. I’m sure we’ll see him out and about.”

I had yet to meet him at the time but knew he was a partner in a law firm and was also gay.

“I’ll be back.”

Later, when I was on my second or third beer she came back.

“Hey, him and his bf are right over there at the other pool. I want you to meet him. Come on.” She said, dragging me over there. I was already angry with her because she had yet to hang out with me since we’d gotten there.

We approached a group of guys standing around watching the crowd. As we walked up they looked at us with disdain like, “Oh, Gawd here come the lesbians.” I felt immediately uncomfortable. There was a muscular blonde guy in the middle holding court who I made out to be Bird’s brother. As she introduced us he just gave me a glassy look and shook my hand not saying anything. His bf followed suit. Bird was trying to make small talk and all the boys were just looking at us like “Go away.”

“Hey, I’m going to go back and hang with your friends.”

“Oh, why? I want to hang out with my brother and his friends for awhile.”

“Well, you know where I’ll be.” I left. I didn’t want to be around the stuck-up gay guys anymore. We had just gotten there and I wanted to girl watch plus I couldn’t believe that she wanted to hang out with him over me and her friends.

Later, I ended up going back to her friend’s room to partake in some herbal essence. We had been out at the pool all day drinking and I needed to take a nap if we were going to go out that night. Bird found me crashed out in our room.

“Where have you been?” she said turning on the light.

“With your friends who you haven’t even visited with since you got here.”

“I was with my brother and his friends. Have you been smoking?”

“Yes, and I want to take a nap if we’re going out tonight. Why don’t you lay down with me?”

“I can’t believe you did that.”

I couldn’t believe she was judging me for herbal essence since she was an ex heroin addict and her brother was rolling his nuts off when we went over there and told her so.

“He does not do drugs.”

I laughed, “The hell he doesn’t he’s probably on x and whatever else. They were all high as a kite and he didn’t want his baby sister over there busting his roll.”

“You’re stoned.”

“Yes I am but at least I admit it. Unlike you not admitting your brother uses drugs.”[and is a d*ck]  

“Well, I’m gonna hang out with him tonight and if you don’t like it you can leave.”

“Fine. I’ll leave then.”

I packed up my sh*t and moved up the street into a condo with two other friends of mine and had a great time partying with them the rest of the weekend. It wasn’t until the end of the trip on Sunday that I saw her walking on the beach. She saw us in the tent we had set up and walked over. She handed me a beer and apologized.

“You were right – my brother blew me off the rest of the weekend. I don’t know where he is.”

“You have to stop worrying about him. He’s chosen his own path.” Drinking the beer.

“Come back to the room with me?”

I looked at my friends and shook my head. “No, it’s over, Bird. Plus, I know you slept with Sheri.”

She dropped her head then and I knew my hunch was correct.

“Go on back to your group, Bird. I will see you back in Atlanta, ok?”

After that I would see her from time to time out at the clubs (sometimes rolling, too). She had a new gf who (I suspected go her in to x) I couldn’t stand. I stayed far, far away from her. Later, I heard that she moved away to go to medical college. I thought she was out of my life until I ran into her a few years ago at my favorite pub around the corner with her new gf who was a very quiet doctor. I laughed to myself when I shook the doctor’s hand thinking “Lady, you don’t know what a firecracker you have on your hands.”

But, she must have because they are still together. Janice is very nice and laid back and seems to compliment Bird’s outgoing, excessively talkative nature. When she told me about her car accident and being near death in the ICU she also said that was where she met Janice. Janice had taken over and stayed with her almost constantly and when she got better they started to go out. I thought that was one of the most romantic stories I’d ever heard.

To think of all these things happening – her Dad going through chemo and having to take care of him. Her mother being ill as well and her brother being a meth addict (who is almost destitute) and her in an awful car accident almost dying and months of therapy and healing afterwards – at least she had that happy romantic encounter with Janice who nursed her back to health and is her partner now. She deserves that and I’m happy for her. I think this story has a happy ending or should I say, they lived happily ever after.

Maybe there is hope afterall.